


Wonderwall

by only_because3



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-01
Updated: 2013-02-01
Packaged: 2017-11-27 20:02:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 48,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/665899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/only_because3/pseuds/only_because3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Just because I got out of this rinky dink town doesn't mean my dreams magically came true."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I started waaaaaay back in season 1 which means it's pretty much entirely AU from 1x13 on. It's angsty as fuck but I hope you enjoy!

Her life sucked, it really did.

She worked all day at a small diner where she made minimum wage and was constantly hit on by the dirty truckers that stopped in. She would then take the bus back into town to her too small rundown apartment where Noah would be waiting with Caroline.

He would leave for his night shift while she bathed their daughter and put her into bed. The rest of Quinn's nights were spent looking over bills, writing checks that wouldn't clear, and then going to bed alone, sweating buckets in the July heat.

\--

She doesn't enjoy anything very much anymore. She has no time for herself and when she does its spent catching up on sleep.

She no longer sings or exercises or takes classes down at the community college nor does she believe in God. She just works and sleeps and tries not to think about how much better her life would have been had she not decided to keep her daughter.

This thought makes her feel guilty.

She loves her daughter more than anything else in this word. She loves hearing her talk about school and loves watching her face light up every time Quinn manages to save enough money to buy the girl a new Barbie.

Sometimes though, when Caroline pouts and cries and yells because she can't get new toys or clothes and says the she hates her, Quinn wishes she'd given her away.

At least they'd both have more than this.

\--

She and Noah Puckerman are not together.

They live together out of necessity and because it's better for their daughter.

They fuck each other because sometimes, it makes living this shitty mundane life worth it.

But no, they're most definitely not together.

\--

The diner is on the very outskirts of Lima. The only people who stop there are traveling out of town or just stopping to refuel.

Most days, its fat truckers with balding heads and sweat stained shirts, beards becoming littered with the bits of food she serves them.

Whenever she walks past on occupied booth, a greasy hand grabs her ass through her blue uniform.

When she first got this job she would turn on her heel and yell at the customer.

Now she just throws a fake smile over her shoulder and hopes for a decent tip.

\--

She shouldn't be in a place like this is what everyone who still cares tells her.

She's too pretty, too smart, too good for this shit hole.

She just shrugs because this is what helps keep a roof over her daughter's head.

\--

Noah collapses next to her on their full sized bed. She opens her eyes, squinting as the tinted morning light streams in through the window. "What day is it," she asks because now they always blend together.

"Saturday," he grumbles, his eyelids heavy and drooping shut.

It's his day off and her extra full day.

She cups the back of his neck and brings herself closer to him. She kisses his eyes, nose, cheeks, and then his lips. "I'm tired," he mutters and she drops her hand from his neck, moving it further south. She dips her hand beneath his boxers, taking him in her hand as she leaves a trail of opened mouth kisses from his lips to his ear.

"Please," she begs because yesterday was one of the days where she almost rode the bus out of town.

He's tired as hell but he pushes her onto her back anyway, his rough calloused hands spreading her thighs.

\--

His life is really shitty.

He spends most of his mornings getting his daughter ready for school and then drops her off. While she's at school he does everything he always thought women should do. He cleans and does the laundry and buys groceries. If it's summer, which it is currently, he cleans pools for people in town while Caroline is off at a free youth camp at the park on 5th.

Cougars like him less because he's older and tired looking now; rundown, just like their husbands.

Some of them find his tattered self appealing and he fucks them because Caroline needs a new bathing suit.

\--

He doesn't do much of anything for himself anymore. He doesn't play the guitar or try to find someone he actually plans on spending the rest of his life with. He just works night shifts and does shit around the house since Quinn gets more hours than he does. He sleeps when Caroline's at school and cooks dinner for her when she's done with her homework.

On his day off he really wants to sleep in as late as he can and then wake up and try to find some sports game to watch on their basic cable. But Quinn's day off is almost never his day off, so instead he's always up with Caroline. They watch Saturday morning cartoons and they go to the park even though he's still dog ass tired.

Life woulda been better if he'd just let Quinn give their daughter away.

\--

Him and Quinn, they're not together.

They live together because he wanted them to be a family and his mom wasn't going to let them live with her forever.

They moved into the apartment on Caroline's first birthday and Quinn spent the night crying because after a year, they'd done nothing.

They weren't anywhere near out of this fucking town, if anything, they were now officially stuck in it.

They share a bed because it was cheaper than buying two twins and shoving them into the small room.

They fuck each other because their lives suck enough, there's no point in going celibate too.

But no, they don't belong to one another or some shit like that.

\--

He works down at a shady wood factory. Its right by a freeway overpass and they only work at night. He's been told that if he sees anyone who looks like a cop to tell the manager right away.

One time, he found five pot plants in the shed that had the extra tools.

He was told to ignore the plants and slipped $500 to forget he saw them.

He bought Caroline new clothes (and this one doll she had been _begging_ for) and gave Quinn $100 to spend on herself.

She ended up getting her hair and nails done before showing him the red lace bra she'd bought to thank him.

Afterwards, Quinn felt guilty about spending the money when it could have gone towards their ever growing debt.

"We gotta be selfish sometimes," he told her and she rolled her eyes.

"Look where that got us last time," she whispered, eyes darting to their daughter who was animatedly watching TV.

\--

He looks at his daughter who has his brown hair and Quinn's hazel eyes. She screams that she hates him sometimes when she gets mad.

He has to force himself to not scream back that he hates her too.

\--

He really doesn't hate his girls. He just hates what they've all become.

Fucking Lima Losers.

He already knows Caroline won't get out of here. If Quinn couldn't then what hope did anyone else have?

\--

She kinda loves her life.

She's not quite on Broadway yet but she's on stages and singing and acting and _God,_ this is almost everything she's ever wanted.

It bugs her that despite being so close, she feels so shitty.

She lives alone in a city filled with millions of people.

Her apartment has an _amazing_ view but she'd never know it considering she works her ass off to pay the rent on the place and all her extra time is spent on stage.

She sleeps alone every single night because, really, when the hell was she going to find time to meet someone, let alone establish a relationship.

Like she said before, she kinda loves her life.

She just wishes she weren't so lonely.

\--

She heads back to Lima because she needs to visit her dads and she was just rejected from the third Broadway play she's auditioned for.

She's driving from the airport and once she sees the city limits sign her stomach growls loudly.

She decides to pull into the seedy truck stop diner for a quick piece of something to tide her over until she gets to her dads'.

She tries not to wrinkle her nose visibly at the horrid smell she's met with when she walks into the diner.

She tries not to recoil when she realizes that the cracked vinyl seat she sits on at the bar is sticky.

She tries not to spit out the sip of water she just consumed when Quinn Fabray asks her what she'd like.


	2. Chapter 2

"Quinn?" The blonde looks up from her tattered notepad, her eyebrow already arched in suspicion. She stares at Rachel for a moment before her eyebrow arches even more.

"What're you doing back here," she asks, absently running her hands over her half apron to smooth it out.

"Visiting my dads…" She trails off and Quinn nods absently. She glances over at the booth in the corner of the cramped restaurant and frowns quickly before placing a fake smile on her face.

"I'll be back in a sec to get your order," the taller girl says as she walks out from around the counter. Rachel watches the way Quinn lets her hips swing side to side a bit over dramatically as she walks up to a trucker that's old enough to be Quinn's father. She smiles down at the man, touches his shoulder lightly and asks if he needs anything else.

"Just a topping off for my coffee," he tells her as she slips the check onto the table. She pours the black liquid in to the white cup and makes a point of smiling a little wider before she turns away. There's an audible smack and Quinn's face contorts in anger before producing a small smile and she glances over her shoulder at the man. She goes back to swaying her hips distinctively and takes her place behind the counter.

"Why…" Rachel begins, looking down at her menu nervously, "did you let him do that?"

This is not the Quinn Fabray from high school who valued herself.

"The more I play along, the bigger the tip I get," she mutters despondently as she pushes back a strand of her long blonde hair. "Figure out what you want yet?" The brunette sits there still taken back by what just happened and Quinn rolls her eyes. "I know it's not as glamorous as New York, but when you're stuck in Lima, this is what people do to pay the bills."

"New York isn't so glamorous," Rachel answers, eyes scanning the menu one last time. "Biscuits and gravy with an orange juice."

"Bullshit," Quinn calls while she scribbles down her order. Rachel notices that there is no longer a cross hanging from Quinn's neck. "I'll be right back with your juice."

When her food gets delivered ten minutes later and there's a lull in the traffic at the restaurant, Quinn slides into a booth behind the brunette. She kicks off her hideous tennis shoes and pulls her tips out of the front of her apron.

She counts the money as Rachel slides into the booth with her food. "New York really isn't what everyone thinks it is."

Quinn doesn't even glance up from the crumbled bills and change in front of her. "Really now? And you haven't become the Broadway star you've always wanted to be?" She says it with such sarcasm that when Rachel tells her that she's been rejected 3 times, she loses count of how much she's accumulated in tips.

"Just because I got out of this rinky dink town doesn't mean my dreams magically came true."

Quinn looks at her wearily before looking back down at the money on the table. "So, are you actually here because you're visiting your dads or are you running away?" She glances up at the brunette who starts chewing faster, her face already showing signs of protest. "Don't try and tell me you aren't trying to run away even a little bit. _Nobody_ comes back to Lima unless it's a holiday and I doubt you'd make the trip for the 4th."

Rachel swallows her food but now remains silent.

Maybe she was running away. Although why the hell she ran back to Lima is beyond the both of them. "Do yourself a favor and leave. Being stuck in a shitty New York life is much better than being stuck here."

"And how would you know that," Rachel challenges as Quinn slides all the money back into her apron.

"I work _here_. I live in a shitty apartment and have to take the bus to get to work. My daughter bitches because I can't get her stuff that she wants and half the time Noah and I look at each other, we're blaming each other for us getting stuck in this _fucking_ city. We barely have enough money to get by and we spend almost every waking moment working. There is no way that New York can be worse than this." She puts her tennis shoes back on before pulling an elastic band off her wrist, grabbing her hair and throwing it into a messy bun.

"It sucks that you haven't made it yet but you should be thanking your lucky stars that you made it out of here."

\--

Late that night, Noah walks into the diner with Caroline walking beside him. She still has four more hours on her shift and he has to be to work in 20 minutes (he was supposed to have tonight off but they're paying him over time and they really need the money). "She eat," Quinn asks as she walks past them, expertly holding a large tray of food stacked high.

"Yeah," Noah grumbles, hoisting Caroline up on to a seat at the bar. Quinn's already laid out some crayons and a coloring book for her daughter who's too awake for this time of night. "Remember, I need you to come get me at 6."

Quinn's smiling at these two gross looking men, her blonde hair spilling over her shoulders in a way that makes her look like the girl she used to be in high school. When she walks away from the table, the smile from her face drops and she runs a tired hand through her hair.

She's back to looking like the rundown young mother she's looked like for the past 5 years.

"I'll get you at 6. Have I ever forgotten?" The two adults bend down and kiss each of Caroline's cheeks at the same time, a toothless grin appearing on the girl's face.

"See you later babe," he says to his daughter before dashing out the door to catch the bus.

"You look tired Momma," the little girl says as she picks a red crayon out of the tub in front of her.

The silver bell dings behind her blue uniform and she sighs. "I'm _always_ tired sweetheart."

\--

When Rachel Berry collapses on the bed of her childhood home, she can't stop her mind from racing.

After a long day of bonding and talking with her dads, she'd come to a crossroad of sorts.

They suggested she take some time off from the stage and see if there was something else that made her happy. "We know you're good sweetheart, there's no doubt about that. It's just maybe you're supposed to be doing something else."

She rolls over and digs her face into her pillow. She never made a plan B.

She was going for broke and that's exactly what was happening. Her bills were slowly becoming overwhelming and the part time job she had wasn't enough to keep making ends meet unless she switched to full time. But that meant giving up plays completely…

She was never like this. She was Rachel fucking Berry. She made it out of Lima. She got into a prestigious college. She was talented as hell (in Ohio).

New York was a bigger pond. And yeah she was super talented, but there always seemed to be someone else who was a little bit better than her.

Maybe she should give it up? But that sort of felt like she was throwing away apart of her…

She lets out an aggravated sigh before grabbing her car keys off the dresser.

\--

She doesn't know why she decides to go back.

(That's a lie. Truth is, she can't stop thinking about Quinn anymore than she can't stop thinking about what to do with her life.)

Still, Rachel Berry finds herself walking into the horrible little diner just off the highway.

She finds Quinn serving another round of truckers, going table to table and asking if they need anything else.

Each time she walks away, there's a slap or a grab of her ass and each time she acts like it doesn't bother her.

A new man comes in behind Rachel and beelines to the seat next to a little girl.

He's about to sit down when Quinn shoots him a death glare (Rachel thinks she might even hear a growl) and tells him through gritted teeth to sit at least two seats away from her daughter.

"What are you doing back here," Quinn echoes and it takes Rachel a minute to realize that the angry mother is talking to her.

She shrugs, walking to the seat that the man had previously tried to take. She stares at Quinn for approval.

The nod is barely visible but Rachel sees it and slips on to the chair.

"Hiya," Caroline says excitedly, a yawn following her greeting. "Want to color?"

Quinn slides a menu in front of Rachel. "What did I tell you about talking to strangers," she asks tiredly, words coming with a bit of a bite.

The younger girl mutters a sorry as Quinn waves her hand in the air. "Baby, this is Rachel Berry. She used to go to school with your dad and me. Rachel, this is Caroline."

"You went to school with my momma?" Rachel nods, a soft smile on her face.

"I knew your parents when you were still in your mom's belly." The girl continues to color a page from a princess coloring book, humming to herself as she does so. "Do you like to sing?"

Caroline shrugs. "I like to sometimes but I always get told to be quiet. Momma and Daddy don't like singing."

"Your parents don't sing to you?"

"Know what you want," Quinn asks as she walks back to the duo, looking skeptically between the two brunettes.

"A pancake and a side of fries."

"Momma, I want to go home. I'm tired," Caroline whines again for the fourth time this past hour.

Quinn ignores her. "To drink?"

"Water's fine."

" _Momma_ , I said I want to go home."

Quinn lets out a frustrated sigh. "I'm working. You can try and sleep right here but we can't leave for another hour."

Caroline juts out her bottom lip. "But it's too noisy here…"

"I don't know what else to tell you then." Quinn grabs another tray of food and starts to walk to the booth near the door.

"This isn't fair," Caroline pouts, tiny voice slowly getting louder. "None of my friends have to go to their momma's works!"

Quinn smiles at her customers and doesn't look at her daughter until she hears her feet hit the dirty linoleum. "I'm bored and tired and I want to go home!"

The girl stomps her foot and Quinn calmly says, "Caroline, lower your voice and sit back down."

"I want to go home **now**!"

Rachel wishes she wasn't watching this.

Quinn smiles at the truckers again while Caroline continues to chant that she wants to go home. As soon as Quinn turns to leave the table, her eyebrows furrow together and Rachel notices the dark look in her eyes from high school.

Quinn marches over to her daughter and wraps an arm around her waist. She holds her daughter close to her body as she spanks the girl three times on her bottom before putting her back into her seat.

"You are _five_ years old Caroline Puckerman! Stop acting like a selfish brat," Quinn spits out, voice just loud enough for them to hear.

The pint-sized brunette starts crying silently and sits on her hands.

"Can you watch her for a sec?" Rachel takes her eyes off the counter and looks at the disheveled blonde in front of her. She nods slowly and Quinn disappears into the kitchen.

\--

Quinn leans against the dirty brick wall behind the restaurant. She breathes in deep (trying not to gag at the garbage and piss smell she inhales) and laces her fingers in her hair, pulling on her blonde strands roughly.

She hit her too hard, she knows she did.

She just wanted her to be quiet. To just stop pouting and listen to her for once this week.

But Caroline never listens to her, not when she's serious. She's not as close to her as Noah is and she figures this'll lead to a long-term resentment and rebellion aimed to solely hurt Quinn.

She glances at the watch on her wrist (it's then that she realizes she's crying) and fixes herself up. She wipes her cheeks and runs her hands through her hair before going back inside.

\--

This is most definitely not the Quinn Fabray she knew from high school. This was not the girl she caught singing to her belly in the choir room nor was this the girl who had apologized for tormenting various members of the student body.

This was a girl who she thought only existed in Lifetime movies; a sad broken girl whose become jaded by the world.

The only thing missing was a drug habit.

Quinn walks back in, eyes red and face a little flushed. She quickly makes her rounds, dropping of checks and topping off cups of coffee.

She slides Rachel's food in front of her before walking around the counter and sitting next to her daughter. "C'mere," she says softly, patting her lap. Caroline crawls to her mother, wrapping her small arms around her neck, digging her face into the crook of her neck. "I'm so sorry baby… I love you, you know that right?" She feels a nod against her and she lets out a breathy sigh. "You need to be a little more patient okay? And if you're more patient then I'll be more patient."

"Okay Momma," Caroline whispers into her skin.

Rachel notices that despite her brown hair, Caroline's all Quinn.

"I love you." Caroline sits up and tells her mother the same thing before she leaves a kiss on her mom's lips.

\--

Rachel walks out with the two girls in Noah Puckerman's life.

Quinn puts the small girl into the back seat of her beat up car. "I bet you think I'm a shitty mom," Quinn says as she shuts the car door.

Rachel shrugs. "I never had a mom nor am I one."

Quinn leans against the cool metal and stares at the ground. "I know that I'm doing everything that I can…" Rachel tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and looks at the other girl cautiously. "But I really wish I would've given her away… Had the life that you have, given her a shot at getting out of here someday."

Rachel shakes her head. "Quinn, I have _no one_ in New York. I made no friends in the time I've been there. All I do is work and act and try to make it in a city where I'm just one of millions. In New York, I'm nothing special. I know that my life is nothing like yours and that I got out, but I'm nothing to be jealous of."

They stand in silence for a while until Quinn glances back at her now sleeping daughter. "I should go…"

Rachel nods, clearing her throat as she fishes her keys out of her pocket.

She's halfway to her car when Quinn calls her. "Hey Rach." She turns to find the blonde hovering in front of the driver's seat. "You are special. Maybe not out there, but you were the shit when you were here." There's a small smile on her face (a real one Rachel thinks) and Quinn gets into her car before she can respond.

\--

Quinn drums her fingers on the steering wheel and watches Puck talk to some coworker through the windshield. He glances over at the car and grabs something from the guy before jogging over, kicking up dirt with his feet.

Other workers at the plant walk to their various cars, one stopping next to their beat up Toyota. "You're pretty enough to rape," he says with a creepy toothless smile and Quinn narrows her eyes.

"You're inbred enough to die," she responds, eyes narrowed as she hears the passenger door open.

"Fuck off Jim," Noah spits as he slams the door shut behind him. Quinn pulls out fast and starts off down the narrow empty road.

He lights the two cigarettes he bummed off Doug and passes one to Quinn. She inhales deeply, eyes closing as the smoke fills her lungs. " _God_ I needed this," she says, blowing the smoke out the window.

This is not something they do often. They refuse to spend the money on something that isn't but could easily become a habit.

But sometimes fucking each other isn't enough and so he'll bum some cigarettes off his coworkers and they'll smoke them when Caroline isn't around.

It takes the edge off as long as the stick is lit.

"Caroline started screaming an hour before I got off work, making this big scene and wouldn't shut up when I asked her to and then started crying when I spanked her and to top it all off, _Rachel Berry_ was there…" She inhales again as Noah blows out.

"Berry's back?" Quinn nods, taking one hand off the wheel and grabbing the cigarette between her fingers. "What the fuck was she doing _there_?"

"Beats me. She says she's back in Lima to visit her dads." He rolls his eyes and takes one last drag before tossing the cigarette out the window. "I told her she needs to get back out as fast as she can."

"Shouldn't her dads be visiting her? Seeing her on stage or some shit?"

A small smile cracks on to her face as she finishes off her own cigarette. "She's only been in like, off, off Broadway stuff. She's been rejected from the big plays a lot I guess." He runs a hand over his shaved head and Quinn glances over at him. "I don't think she's gonna leave." He raises an eyebrow and she shrugs.

She just has a feeling that this wasn't going to be the last time she saw Rachel Berry.

Quinn parks the car on the side of the street and the two walk up the almost broken steps to their apartment just as the sun starts to appear over the horizon.

In the short time Quinn was gone Caroline crawled into the middle of their bed. "Just leave her," Noah mutters and they crawl into bed on either side of their baby girl.

\--

Quinn wakes up to hazel eyes staring back at her. Hands are smoothing out her blonde bed hair while impatient feet lightly kick the tops of her thighs. "How long have you been awake," Quinn whispers. The little girl shrugs the best she can and Quinn peers over her small body at Noah who's still passed out.

"Come on. Let's go into the living room so we don't wake Daddy." Quinn gets up and picks up Caroline before quietly padding into the small living room.

"What're we gonna do tonight," Caroline asks as Quinn sets her down and turns on the TV. The young mother scrunches up her face and the little girl giggles softly. "It's the 4th of July Momma! What're we gonna do?"

"I don't know baby," Quinn mutters as she walks into the kitchen. She grabs the milk out of the fridge but then notices it expired the day before.

She pours it down the sink as Noah plops down on the couch, "We need more milk," she announces, walking back into the living room to see Caroline curled up on Noah's lap.

"I think we need more bread and lunch meat too. I didn't go to the store yesterday since I thought it was my day off."

Quinn nods and says she might as well go now before it gets too hot as she disappears into the bedroom.

Noah leans into the doorway, watching as Quinn strips off her pajamas. "I'll go."

"You should go back to sleep."

"Quinn, I'll go." She curls a finger at him and he walks closer.

"Do we have enough money to buy fireworks? Or are we gonna have to do what we did last year?"

Last year she distracted the middle-aged man working the booth while he stole sparklers and a cheap assortment box.

"I'll figure it out," he says, rubbing the back of his neck.

\--

He watches the fireworks booth as he puts the groceries into the car.

This time, an old woman is working the booth.

He waits until there is a lull in the crowd before he goes over.

"Noah?" He's about to grab a box of sparklers when she notices him.

"God damn it Berry," he says, turning around to face her.

"Nice to see you too," she says sarcastically, looking at all the boxes of fireworks. "What are you guys doing tonight?"

He shrugs. If he can't get fireworks, Caroline will probably spend the whole night pouting in her room.

"You should come by my dads'. The whole block gets together to light the fireworks and barbeque." He looks at her suspiciously while she asks for the largest box on the shelf and a pack of sparklers.

"I know that the prospect of hanging out with me and my parents seems like your worst nightmare but I promise Caroline will have fun and I've mellowed considerably since I left." She hands the elderly woman a hundred in exchange for the boxes of explosives before she turns to face him, holding out the sparklers.

"We don't need your charity." She rolls her eyes and tucks them underneath his arm.

"You remember where the house is don't you?"

\--

"I ran into Berry," is the first thing out of his mouth when he gets back to the apartment.

"Is she stalking us," Quinn asks as she moves around him in the small kitchen, putting all the food away.

He laughs and hands Caroline the box of sparklers so she'll stop tugging on his shirt. "She invited us to her block party…"

"Why the hell would she do that?" He shrugs, glancing through the doorway to make sure Caroline wasn't ripping apart the fireworks.

They look at each other for a moment, waiting for the other to speak first. "You think we should go," he says and she pushes her long hair back.

"You think that we don't belong there."

"We're trash."

"I used to be above them."

He laughs in his throat. "Until you wrapped your hands around my dick and that shiny little crown fell off your head."

She rolls her eyes. "You're a pig."

"You know it's the truth."

\--

They look nothing like the worn down people she's seen these past two days.

They're smiling (it's forced, but its an effort) and all three are dress nicely but casually (Noah's wearing jeans and a T-shirt while Quinn and Caroline wear blue dressed, both with a single braid like Quinn always styled her hair in high school).

Caroline sees her first. She waves and the little girl smiles, tugging on her parents' hands in Rachel's direction.

Quinn wishes that Rachel didn't look as good as she did in high school. Quinn has a harsh stretch mark going from her belly button down on her stomach that after five years isn't completely flat. Her hips are a little wider, breasts a little bigger and while her legs were still nice but less toned, they didn't even come close to Rachel's.

Hers were long, tan, and perfect.

And of course, Rachel was still small all the way around and her hair was still full and luscious (Quinn's had thinned out a little after she had Caroline).

Quinn always knew that she was beautiful. But Rachel? Had her personality not been so overwhelmingly annoying, she would have been the one to get all the boys in high school.

"Hey, I'm glad you guys came," Rachel says as she walks up to them.

"Thanks for inviting us," Quinn answers using the polite tone of voice she used every time she was at one of her parents' functions. Caroline runs off to a group of kids around her age on what Quinn assumes is the Berry household. "Thanks for the sparklers too. You didn't have to do that."

Quinn didn't like handouts any more than Noah did, but after being homeless and passed around during her pregnancy, she knew that sometimes handouts _needed_ to be taken.

"It was no problem." Rachel tucks a few loose strands of her brown hair behind her ears.

This was awkward.

The trio stood in silence as the people around them talked about everything and anything.

"I told you we shouldn't have come," Noah says suddenly and Quinn hits him in the chest.

"Noah, fuck." The etiquette she learned in order to become a proper lady has obviously gone out the window.

"What? It's the truth. We haven't spoken to Rachel since she left and before that, you two were what? Acquaintances?"

"We talked." Rachel's eyes are on him.

"Yeah, in between us making out the week we dated." Quinn wrinkles her nose (she may not be with Noah but she could do without the reminder of past high school hook ups).

"Don't try to act all macho just because Quinn's here. We talked after that."

He never likes to admit it but they did. She talked about Finn, he talked about Quinn, and then of course there were the times where they talked about nothing of importance at all.

"Yeah well, a lot has happened since then."

"I think we just found something to talk about then."

\--

It's hard watching Quinn speak.

She looks so much like the well to do daughter of a perfect family (like she could so easily fall back into that roll) that hearing the story of how far she's fallen into what she describes as a serial killer's purgatory makes a lump form in her own throat.

It's easier when Noah talks because he never had higher hopes. He was condemned to this city the day his dad got out.

She thinks it also helps that he seems more focused on her outstretched legs than the story.

Rachel's story isn't as sad. Quinn still feels a little jealous because Rachel had the chance to go to school (even if she did drop out) and actually interact with people outside of work (even if they were just cast members during rehearsals).

Noah feels a little bad for the brunette (he'll never admit that out loud though) because as annoying as she used to be, it seems unfair how alone and secluded she's become in a big city.

\--

Caroline won't leave Rachel alone.

She heard the brunette singing to herself when she was getting a plate of food and has been attached to her ever since.

"If she's bothering you," Quinn started but Rachel shook her head and told her that the girl wasn't bothering her at all.

And so they've been sitting on the curb in front of the Berry house for the past half an hour, Caroline in Rachel's lap (staring wide-eyed and ooo-ing at the fireworks) and Quinn leaning on Noah, head resting on his shoulder while their fingers laced together.

(Rachel wasn't sure what that meant; they made it clear that they weren't together.)

Mr. and Mr. Berry were chatting with the two parents and Noah left most of the answering up to Quinn (she was better with words anyway).

They offer her a job down at John Berry's law firm as a paralegal which confuses him because don't you have to go to school for that? (This is why he lets Quinn talk).

He grabs Quinn's wrist to check the time and curses under his breath. "We gotta go. I have to get to work."

Rachel offers to drive Quinn and Caroline home after the fireworks are over.

None of them realize that this is the beginning of an end.

\--

Quinn helps the Berrys clean up while Caroline marvels at the grand piano in the family room.

Quinn tells Rachel that Mr. Berry shouldn't have brought up the job because she can't stop thinking about it now, which is ridiculous since he was obviously just being nice.

Rachel tells her that he was serious about the offer. "Good things can still happen to you Quinn."

Rachel teaches Caroline how to play Mary Had A Little Lamb on the piano while Quinn talks to Mr. Berry about the job in his office.

Quinn can't stop smiling when she sees the two brunettes side by side on the piano bench (she wishes that Caroline had this life).

Rachel tells Quinn that she enjoyed hanging out today even if it was fairly awkward at first.

Quinn hugs Rachel because this was the first time in a _long_ time that she actually enjoyed herself (and forgot for a split second how shitty her life was) despite the fact that she was hanging out with Rachel Berry (a girl she used to hate).

Rachel hugs Quinn back (for now, this will go on the list as one of the weirdest things she's ever done) and says that they should hang out again.

Quinn agrees (though she knows they won't because most days Quinn's a depressed angry bitch and today was taken straight from a Twilight Zone episode) before picking up Caroline and walking upstairs.

\--

When Quinn's getting ready for work the next morning, Mr. Berry calls and asks if she could start working today.

(She feels like she's still in The Twilight Zone or quite possibly still asleep.)

When Mr. Berry assures her that she'd be great for the job and was legitimately offering it to her, she somehow stutters out that she has to give the diner some notice and has to get to work.

"Who was that," Noah asks through a yawn and she really hates that a smile is forming on her face.

\--

Later that night, Quinn comes home without her uniform,

She brings back dinner and a new movie for Caroline to watch.

Noah starts throwing questions at her fast, following her into the small bedroom, shutting the door behind him. "We're coming up short already this month and you bring back take out from _Chilis?"_

Quinn throws her arms around his neck and tells him in between kisses that instead of getting $7 an hour, she'll now be getting 12 plus benefits.

Their pants are on the floor before she can even blink.

This is the beginning of something far more complicated and twisted, but neither one knew that quite yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't judge too harshly on the whole paralegal thing. I'm rolling with what I've been able to find from google


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I notice that sometimes I stay very 'hands off' like I did in the first chapter, but then there are scenes where I feel like I MUST describe everything which isn't the vibe I was trying to go for. But I hope it doesn't bother you guys. I've also noticed that sometimes I slip and call Noah Puck, which I'm trying not to do but it's hard when he is known as Puck. If I've missed any of those, I apologize

At first, Quinn freaks out after her first week of work.

She stays late because of all the cases they have (who knew Lima was in such a need for lawyers) and she's still learning the ropes while she does all this paper work.

She tells Noah that she thinks she should've stayed working at the diner. That was something she knew how to do; she knew how to function there.

He tells her to quit her bitching and remember that she used to work just as long before except this time at the end of the month, they can afford to buy stuff for themselves.

\--

The next week, Quinn freaks out less but still stays high strung.

Noah asks Rachel to watch Caroline one night when Quinn gets off work early.

They fuck for hours and suddenly Quinn's nothing but relaxed when she comes home from work the next day.

\--

They're in the kitchen when she finally asks her. Quinn is checking on the potatoes she's frying while Rachel sits on the counter watching. "When did you take off your cross?"

Quinn glances at her with a sad smile before turning over a clump of potatoes, the frying pan letting out a harsh sizzle as the hot bottom meets fresh skin. "The night we moved in here."

"Why?"

Quinn covers the pan and crosses her arms over her stomach as she faces Rachel. "Because the plan was that we wouldn't be any further stuck in Lima after a year. That after a year we'd have learned the ropes a little bit and that we'd finish high school while saving to get the fuck out of here." Rachel imagines this is also around the time Quinn took up cursing.

"But after a year Noah's mom told us to get out. All that _praying_ and _hoping_ I did landed us here. In a shitty apartment in the scary part of town with the two of us working jobs that leave us dog ass tired… All I wanted was out. I stopped praying that my family would realize how stupid they'd been and let me be their daughter again. I stopped praying that I'd be accepted into a college and that I'd get enough financial aid to go. I stopped praying for _everything_ else. I just wanted us to get out. That's all I wanted and that's all I _needed_."

The only sound in the kitchen is the sizzling from the frying pan and the two girls stare at each other until Quinn breaks it, turning to the potatoes. "Instead of getting out I got stuck. So I took off the cross and threw it in the trash."

\--

Rachel wonders one night when she's at the Puckerman/Fabray apartment (she's become a regular fixture there the past few weeks) if this is what high school was supposed to be like.

Hanging out with friends on a Saturday night, laughing and watching TV and just all around having fun.

She sort of wishes that this could've happened when they were in high school, instead of all the shit that went on between them.

\--

After hanging out with Quinn and Noah more, she decides she doesn't want to go back to New York. Not when she has so much here.

\--

"I'm going to stay here for a while." She tells him first.

They're sitting in her in the parking lot of his work at 6 in the morning (Quinn's home with a sick Caroline). He smiles at her (that real smile that makes his eyes change this pretty brown color) and tells her that he's glad she'll be sticking around.

When she drops him off he hugs her (this isn't something that's new to either of them anymore) and kisses her cheek (this is new) before telling her thanks.

\--

When she tells Quinn, she has a mother's reaction mixed with her own cynical views. "Rachel why on earth would you want to stay here? You live in New York! It's a beautiful city and has so many stages just waiting for you to sing on them."

Rachel reminds her how lonely she is there and how many times she's been rejected.

"That's no reason to stop trying," Quinn retorts and Rachel smiles.

"I'm not stopping. I'm just going to get on stage here first. I'm the shit here remember?" Now it's Quinn who smiles.

"I still think you're better than this place."

"We're all better than this place."

\--

To pull her weight around the house she starts giving piano lessons to a few kids (Caroline included, but of course, she teaches her for free) and helps out at her dad's law firm along side Quinn.

\--

It isn't until two (blissful) months later that Rachel and Noah realize how bad of an idea all this was (Quinn taking the job and Rachel deciding to stay).

Rachel realizes it when she finds herself staring at Quinn's lips.

She should be busy typing up her half of the case notes, but instead she's staring over the top of the laptop, watching the way Quinn bites her bottom lip nervously when she gets to something she doesn't quite understand and the way she smacks her lips (rubs them together slowly, spreading out the colored gloss) when she reapplies her lip gloss after lunch. Rachel notices how prominent her Cupid's bow is and how full her lips are.

\--

Noah doesn't realize it's a bad idea when he wakes up one morning after having a very lucid dream of Quinn and Rachel touching each other in the very bed he was laying in.

He does however realize how bad an idea this whole thing is when he wakes up one morning after having a very lucid dream about his hands running up and down Rachel's naked body while she bounces on top of him.

After that day, he starts looking at Rachel more. He watches the way she still moves timidly around their apartment (like one day they'll remember they can't stand her and toss her to the curb) and watches how big her smile gets when she sits down with Caroline at the piano in her dads' house.

He notices things he doesn't like to admit, like how her choice of clothing reflects what kind of mood she's in (he's noticed that Quinn's the same way).

If she's wearing shorts and a T-shirt then she's feeling upbeat and active (the last time she wore an outfit like this she had taken Caroline to park and zoo for the entire day), where as with Quinn, a T-shirt and shorts means she's feeling lazy. If she's wearing a dress, she'll probably be in a bad mood (she only wears dresses when her parents ask her to and it's only when they're all going to some sort of function). When Quinn wears dresses, she's in the best mood of her life because they make her feel beautiful and carefree.

He knows that if Rachel wears argyle that she's very likely to annoy the shit out of him and that if Quinn wears a tank top she'll yell at anyone for almost anything.

The skirts though? He can't figure out what they mean for either girl. This could be because he's too distracted by all the leg but he's not sure.

Anyway, there's an exception to every rule and today is one of those days.

Quinn's lounging around the apartment in shorts and a tank top, Caroline curled into her side. The two lay content on the couch watching Finding Nemo for the second time.

When he accidentally asks during her and Caroline's favorite part if she could lower it down, she smiles and tells him of course.

Had this been a normal tank top day, she would've let out a frustrated groan and bitched for five minutes about how he _knew_ this was the best part of the movie yet he spoke anyway.

Rachel shows up on this abnormal tank top day wearing a dress, a smile on her face.

He goes back to bed before the day can get any weirder.

\--

When he wakes up later that evening, he decides that he loves the abnormal days.

The three girls lay on the small couch, end credits of some movie scrolling across the TV screen. It's like a chain of sleep; Caroline's brown head rests on Rachel's hip while Rachel's head rests on Quinn's ribs. Quinn's head rests on her own arm, her other alternating between the two brunettes, her fingers threading through their dark locks.

Her eyes are droopy and there's a small-slated smile on her face. "I was gonna make dinner before you got up but," she says softly and he shrugs his shoulders.

Waking up to _this_ was way better than waking up to food.

She strokes Caroline's hair one more time before slipping out of her position on the couch. She eases Rachel's head down and her smiles widens as she sees the full picture of the girls.

Caroline repositions, arms wrapping around Rachel's waist a little tighter. Quinn drops a kiss on her forehead, smoothing out her unruly curls while Noah notices Rachel's face contort in confusion. She reaches out and grabs Quinn's arm, tugging on it softly.

The blonde pulls off her hand, brings it up her mouth and kisses her knuckles softly before putting it down on the couch. She pushes Rachel's hair out of her face and then turns to face him. "Let's make dinner."

They go into the kitchen and work together side by side. He cuts up the chicken and dips it into the egg batter and then into the flour. She stands in front of their shitty electric stove, watching the chicken crisp and turn a golden brown while she stirs the mashed potatoes on the other burner.

Today feels like one of those days; those random days where nothing significant happens but thirty years down the line, you still remember it like it was yesterday.

He feels like none of them have enough of these days.

He washes his hands but doesn't dry them. Instead, he uses his wet hands to grab the hem of the tank top that hangs low on her chest. She wrinkles her nose as his wet hands dampen her shirt where it hangs over her hips but smiles anyway, powdery hands wrapping around his neck.

"Today's been a good day," he mutters in between kisses and god, it's been so long since he's felt her smile against his lips.

"Want to make it a great day?"

She turns off the stove and follows him into their bedroom.

\--

This is not the first time they've had sex with Caroline asleep in the living room.

This was, however, the first time they've had sex with Rachel in the apartment.

It disgusts her because she doesn't find it disgusting.

Instead of being weirded out, she feels aroused (a warm wet developing between her legs) and (she likes denying this particular feeling because it makes her feel dirtier than the previously mentioned one) jealous; Not jealous because she wishes she could just have _someone_ like that in her life, but because she wants to be in there with _both_ of them.

\--

She knows that the most she'll probably ever get is Noah and she's okay with that (because when he hugs her, he does it like he'll never see her again and when she starts singing he'll stop what he's doing for a moment, look at her and smile this smile that she hasn't seen him give anyone else).

She knows that if she does ever get with him again it won't be until Quinn's out of the picture because, whether they admit it or not, they were very much together.

And, as much as she'd like to be selfish, she can't do that to Quinn. Not again, not now.

Because now, even more is at risk. Quinn's whole life would be on the line, Caroline still included, but this time Rachel's friendship with the blonde is added in the wager.

Rachel likes her too much to fuck all that up for only half of what she wants.

\--

She _knows_ she'll never have Quinn. She may not believe in God anymore but this is one of the things that even the non-religious types condemn people for and Quinn would never do that herself again.

Still, there are times when she thinks that Quinn realizes what's going on but doesn't care.

Like when they laid in Rachel's bed while Noah was at work and her dads took Caroline to a play.

They laid side by side watching Waterloo Bridge and halfway through the movie, Quinn moved the large bowl of popcorn so that she could scoot closer to Rachel and rest her head on the brunette's shoulder like she'd done so many times with Noah.

(When the movie got to the climatic part, Quinn clutched Rachel's hand and dug her face further into her neck, hot breath dancing on tan skin.)

Or there was when she was trying to get Caroline to apologize to Quinn after the small girl called her stupid for thinking that Belle was the prettiest princess.

(Both brunettes had been outraged; clearly Ariel was the prettiest (according to Caroline) while Rachel preferred Aurora.)

"Everyone thinks their favorite princess is the prettiest, that's no reason to call someone stupid," Rachel said, looking in between the two. "You should apologize."

"You're not apologizing," Caroline retorted and Quinn couldn't help but let out a giggle (it was moments like these where it was painfully obvious the girl was Noah's).

Rachel rolled her eyes and turned to face her friend. "Quinn, I'm very sorry I wrinkled my nose when you said that you thought Belle was the prettiest princess." She leans over and leaves a quick kiss on her smooth cheek.

(Rachel never believed in her entire life that she'd say or do either of those things.)

A smile had appeared on Quinn's face and Rachel could've sworn that she saw that look in her eyes that she always got with Noah.

"Now you should apologize." Caroline did as she was told, mimicking Rachel's actions.

"I just don't understand why she's your favorite Momma."

Quinn smiled and pulled the girl into her lap, kissing the top of her head. "She's the only brunette."

Her eyes stayed locked with Rachel's.

\--

Every other day Noah took Caroline over to Rachel's for piano lessons.

For a while, Noah just dropped her off and went back home to sleep.

But lately he's been dreaming of Rachel almost every night, so today he stays.

He sits on the edge of the couch and watches his little girl do everything just as Rachel does.

When Rachel rolls her wrists to loosen them up, Caroline does the same.

When Rachel smiles down at her, Caroline smiles back up.

When Rachel plays three notes, Caroline plays the same three notes in a lower key.

When Caroline looks over at him and smiles widely, Rachel does the same.

\--

After one of the many piano lessons, Brandon Berry comes home from work early. He offers to take Caroline out for ice cream (Noah still finds it a little weird how the elder Berrys sort of adopted his daughter but it was about time she got some grandparents that liked her).

This leaves him and Rachel alone.

It shouldn't be awkward but somehow it is, so Rachel busies herself by cleaning up the sheet music spread out on the piano.

She asks after a few minutes of silence because it's something she's been wondering ever since her first day back in Lima. "Why'd you two stop?"

"Stop what," he asks from his spot on the couch, eyes looking at nothing but her.

"Singing, playing the guitar…" She won't look at him because she's already starting to get that feeling in the pit of her stomach (the feeling that she's over stepping these carefully drawn boundaries around the people she knows so little about now). "Why'd you guys abandon music?"

She glances at him as she tucks the sheet music into the piano bench before looking back down at the task at hand.

He lets a breath and runs a hand over his stubbly head, leaning further into the brown couch. "I think it stopped right around the time Quinn stopped believing in God."

She leans against the piano, the edge digging into her back. She looks up at him, looks him in the eyes because this needs her full attention. "When we moved into the apartment, we had to work _all_ the fucking time and by the time Caroline started singing along to stuff we were just so fucking tired of everything. She'd want to sing when Quinn came home from work and all Quinn would want to do was put her to bed because she just got done working 12 hours. And she'd sing ridiculously loud in the morning while I was still trying to sleep. So we finally told her to stop." He shrugs his shoulders. "Same reason as everything else."

She's in a skirt. He doesn't know what to expect from her when she uncrosses her legs and stands straight up. "I feel like you use that apartment as an excuse sometimes," she says tentatively, arms crossed over her chest. "You guys may have been put into a shitty situation but you didn't have to let it break you."

He scoffs, a sour smile creeping on to his face. "Didn't you let New York break you? Isn't that why you're here?"

"I came here before it could break me completely. I didn't lose myself just because not everything was going as I planned. I still sing and play music even though I've been rejected from Broadway and off Broadway plays. You and Quinn let every little bad thing swallow you whole."

"Oh, poor little Rachel didn't get into a couple of god damn plays," he taunts, pushing himself off the couch. He walks over to her, eyes locking with hers (she's determined to not look down and cower as much as she'd liked to). "Poor little Rachel was all alone in the city she _chose_ to go to." He's reminding her all too much of the Noah Puckerman who used the throw slushies at her. "You think that your normal life in New York can even remotely compare to what Quinn and I have gone through?"

"You act like you're the only two who have ever been in this situation," she says quietly, only now looking down as he moves even closer to her (there's a new feeling creeping into her stomach, a feeling that's telling her to reach out and touch him). "Plenty of people who find themselves in a situation like yours still do something that makes them happy. Especially when it's as simple as singing."

She can see his fists clench as she keeps her gaze down. "I… I wasn't trying to upset you," she says softly, closing her eyes as she does so. "It's just hard for me to comprehend everything that you two have gone through because I know that you're both better than that… stronger than that."

He unclenches his fists and when she looks up at him, her eyes are glazed over with tears. She smiles smally and says with a forced laugh, "Plus you know how I get when it comes to music."

He smiles too, officially feeling like shit for getting up in her face. "I'm sorry." He shakes his head because he doesn't want her to apologize (she doesn't have to, has no reason to). He pushes back a few strands of her brown hair just as her own hand raises to do it.

"You do that a lot."

She shrugs. "Nervous habit."

"You're nervous a lot then?" She shrugs again, tossing her head to the side. "Why?"

She lets out a breath before leaning back against the piano. "All of this is new for me. Actually having friends that care."

His eyes follow her hands down to where she plays with the hem of her skirt.

He thinks that maybe skirts mean she's unsettled (like she's on the outside looking in) and nervous.

This would explain why she wore skirts all the goddamn time in high school.

"We like you Rachel. You have no reason to be nervous."

"I know," she whispers but he feels like she still doesn't believe him quite yet. So he does the one thing he can think of to get it through her head (and the one thing he's wanted to do since she told him she was staying).

He steps forward and kisses her, hands resting on the black piano on either side of her.

His lips are chapped but soft against hers and she knows that this is wrong. This can ruin his family that for so long was barely hanging by a thread and ruin the first real friendships she's ever had.

But when her hands rest on his arms as he leans in closer, pushing her further into the piano and her leg lifts against the outside of his, inching her short skirt even higher, it all feels right.

She feels like she's finally found some place she belongs.

So she runs her tongue along his bottom lip and pulls him even closer, until she feels crushed between him and the piano.

His hand is lightly running over her cotton panties when they hear the front door open.

\--

Rachel cancels Caroline's next two lessons and doesn't go over to the apartment for almost two weeks.

One night, Quinn comes home with her dad. She knocks lightly on Rachel's door before walking in. "Hey," she says quietly, shutting the door behind her.

She glances away from the TV to look at Quinn before looking away quickly. "Hey."

The blonde stands awkwardly by the door, hands clasped together and resting against her body. "How are you?"

Rachel does her best to smile. "Good." Quinn bites her bottom lip (in that way that makes Rachel go crazy) and walks over to the bed, sitting down on the edge. Rachel looks at her but now Quinn's the one who's avoiding eyes.

She almost refocuses on the movie completely when she hears Quinn's heels drop to the floor and feels her scoot on to the bed next to her. "Are you mad at us?" Rachel flips on to her back so she can see Quinn again.

She shakes her head. "I'm not mad."

Quinn grabs Rachel's hand and laces her fingers together with hers. "If Noah said anything you can tell me. I know he can be an ass sometimes and say stuff he doesn't really mean." She really wishes she could smile at this.

"Noah didn't say anything."

"Are you sure? 'Cause you haven't been around lately. Caroline's starting to think she did something wrong."

Rachel looks down at their hands and squeezes Quinn's smaller hand softly. "Can we just watch tv?" She glances at the clock behind Rachel. It's getting late and she should be getting home soon so Noah can leave for work, but she has a half an hour to spare so she looks back at the brunette and nods.

"Of course," she answers with a small smile, resting further into the bed. She pulls her hair out of the bun it'd been in all day (Rachel tries not to notice how fucking gorgeous Quinn's hair is when it falls down around her shoulders) and then pulls the shorter girl closer, wrapping her arm around her shoulders.

"You know you can tell me everything right," she says once they're settled, Rachel's head resting on the space between her shoulder and her chest. The hand that had previously been laced with Rachel's now resides in her dark brown hair, Quinn's fingertips massaging the scalp in a way that feels so good Rachel has to close her eyes.

"I know…"

She can't tell her this.

\--

Quinn doesn't know what happened, Rachel's pretty sure she doesn't have a clue, but she knows that something did happen.

She stops leaving Rachel alone with Noah.

She waits for a long time before she leaves Rachel alone with Caroline.

She knows that she shouldn't because it breaks best friend rules, but she asks John if Rachel's acting weird at home.

"Sort of. There's a bit less pep in her step," he answers before shrugging slightly. "Brandon and I just think it's because it's finally hitting her that she's left New York."

Quinn nods and agrees even though she knows that that's not it.

She's worried that Rachel's realized that she and Noah are not the people she should be associating with; that they're the horrible people they've been for the past five years and too pathetic to hang out with.

But then Rachel smiles at her and she thinks that she's being paranoid. Maybe she is just upset about leaving New York.

The mother in her knows that this is a cop out.

\--

Somehow she's let today slip through the cracks and Noah has to take Caroline over to Rachel's for practice.

She tells him not to stay.

He does anyway.

He stays out of the room though, instead busies himself outside, fixing the bottom step of the patio.

When the lesson is over he tells Caroline to go wait in the car and Rachel almost closes the door on his face before he can say anything. "I'm sorry okay?" She stops and looks up at him. "I shouldn't have done… any of that."

She nods and lets out a breath. "I didn't exactly stop you."

"You did the opposite," he mutters under his breath and when he looks back up her eyes have narrowed. "Can we just stop being weird around each other? I miss hanging out with you… with all three of you girls."

She smiles. "We'll see."

\--

That Saturday, she goes over to the apartment. Quinn opens the door (looking way past tired), still in her work clothes. She smiles when she sees the girl at the door.

They eat pizza and curl up on to the couch, all _four_ of them, Caroline dictating the movie choices. He has his arm around her, his other hand resting on Quinn's thigh while his daughter sits in his lap. She should feel uncomfortable but she doesn't, and instead mimics Quinn by leaning into Noah even further.

\--

This time, Quinn's okay with him taking Caroline over to Rachel's.

This time, Rachel has a hard time focusing on the notes (she's too busy trying to observe Noah through her peripheral vision). She tells Caroline that she thinks they should just finish this piece next time because she isn't feeling well.

Noah sends the girl to the car again at Rachel's request. He makes sure she gets into the car before looking back at Rachel.

She motions for him to come inside just enough so that no one can see what she's about to do. "I shouldn't want to do this but I do and I think that's why I don't know how to process any of this," she rambles and he raises an eyebrow.

She wraps her hand around the back of his neck, pulling his face down and leaving three soft chaste kisses on his lips.

Then she pushes him away before he can even comprehend what's going on.

\--

The next day she goes into the office with her dad and Quinn smiles at her from across their desks.

It makes her feel guilty again.

\--

They're having their girl time again while Noah's at work. Caroline's already asleep and they sit side by side on the couch, Quinn's legs resting in her lap.

"I have to tell you something." Quinn looks up, the left over looks of her last laugh still on her face.

"What is it?"

She takes a deep breath. "I've kissed Noah."

She expected an 'Oh' at most (one that mirrored the one Quinn had given her when she told her about Tay-Sachs in high school) or possibly (most likely) a glare.

Instead, Quinn smiles softly (she tries not to make it look as sad as she is). "I know…"

Rachel arches an eyebrow and the blonde shrugs simply. "He's started singing again… in the shower. And he tastes different."

She looks down at Quinn's legs in her lap and inhales sharply.

(She's even more unsure of what all this means. He kisses her and then kisses _her_.)

"I know it's not all the time but I can tell when he does because he tastes like oranges." She shrugs simply. "I'm not upset about it."

Rachel should call bullshit.

\--

Brandon Berry likes Disney movies. He thinks that Caroline gives him the perfect excuse to see Rapunzel in theaters without looking like a creeper (plus he knows that she'll enjoy it too). So, after one of her lessons, he takes her to the movies.

He seems to have a habit of leaving Rachel and Noah completely alone when he shouldn't.

She starts out strong. They watch TV in the living room. He tries to kiss her but she gets up before he can, jogging up the stairs to get a movie.

He follows her and before she even realizes what's going on, her shirt's on the floor and her hand is down his pants.

\--

She turns the knob in the shower all the way to the left before she steps out of her shorts and underwear. She pulls back the shower curtain (the very bottom of the liner is covered in mildew and mold) and steps into the porcelain tub.

The water stings it's so hot and it turns her tanned skin red.

She grabs her body wash and pours an obscene amount into her hand before scrubbing her body.

She scrubs her legs first, starting at her ankle and trailing up just the way his lips did to the top of her thighs. She scrubs her arms, specifically her wrists (she tries to stop herself from remembering the feeling of his hand holding her wrists together above her head while he searched her body) before moving to her torso.

She scrubs and scratches her neck and collarbone (there's a dark bruise already forming there).

When she gets to her breasts (there's more bruising there too) she starts crying, letting out chocked sobs as she continues down her stomach. The steam and her tears force her to shut her eyes as she scrubs the inside of her thighs and finally when her hands move _there_ she hears a knock on the door.

"Rach," he says when she doesn't answer and she closes her eyes tight when she steps back under the burning water. He twists the gold knob, a brush of cool air slipping into the large bathroom. "We didn't do anything wrong."

She laughs bitterly (she never used to sound bitter). "You're with Quinn."

"Quinn and I are _not_ together. We've both told you that before."

She sticks her head out from behind the shower curtain, hands clutching the plastic barrier. "You can't possibly be so far into your denial that you actually believe that," Rachel spits as Puck stands there wide-eyed. "The way you two act around each other, like the way you smile when she curses and the way she hits you when you do something she doesn't like, so you kiss her to make her smile. And the way you guys are with Caroline. You two act like a mom and dad, not a mother and a father. All of these things are flashing neon signs that mean you two like each other. You _are_ together… You're both just too afraid to admit it."

"So where does this leave you in this situation," he asks and her head disappears behind the floral shower curtain.

She hears his belt hit the floor with a thud and suddenly cold air wafts into the shower.

She turns to look at him, her body hot and cold at the same time. "It leaves me alone, _again_."

He cups her wet cheeks and slams his lips against hers roughly. She stumbles backwards from the force, hand stretching out on the white tile wall in search of something that'll keep her from slipping.

His arm wraps around her small waist, pulling her up and closer to him.

His tongue slips into her mouth and somehow her legs find their way around his hips.

Wasn't she just trying to scrub away this mistake?

"I swear to whatever fucking God is out there that I won't let you be alone _ever_ again," he says, pulling away from her lips and staring into her dark eyes to punctuate just how much he means what he's saying.

She's not even sure she nods before he enters her.


	4. Chapter 4

Her dad catches on the fourth time Rachel asks him to take Caroline out of the house. "What are you doing with him Rachel?"

She narrows her eyes. "I'm offended by what you're insinuating. _We_ are not doing _anything_. Is it too much to ask to spend some time with my friend without his daughter there?"

He tosses the newspaper down on the counter, mug in his hand. "What's that on your neck?"

He takes a sip of coffee as he watches his only daughter pull her brown hair over her shoulder. "I thought Quinn was your friend?"

Rachel turns away in a huff, stomping up the stairs like a sixteen-year-old girl.

\--

Quinn's taken the day off (she needs to get Caroline new school clothes since a recent growth spurt has made everything too short on the girl). She invites Rachel and she goes because everything has to seem normal (as if she isn't fucking Noah on almost a regular basis now).

Rachel looks at Quinn cautiously when she speaks. She wonders if she's noticed how often he tastes like oranges now.

The young mother somehow convinces Rachel to try on a bunch of summer dresses that are on mark down while she helps Caroline with the numerous uniforms. "I don't like dresses Quinn," she whines but then the other girl smiles at her in that way that makes her melt a little on the inside and so she shuts the dressing room door.

She can hear Quinn fussing with Caroline across the way ("Baby, it is _not_ that difficult to put on a skort," Quinn lectures) as she slips out of her jeans and shirt.

Bruises and scratches stand out on her tan skin and she really hopes Quinn doesn't want to see her in any of the dresses (nothing will cover up what she's carefully hidden on her collarbone).

It doesn't surprise her that just after she finishes putting on the first dress, Quinn knocks excitedly on the door. "Are you in one yet? Let me see!"

This dress isn't her. It's too floral, too bright, too cheery (something she's distanced herself from). The V-neck shows off edges of his markings and it's just long enough to cover the light scratches on her thigh.

Quinn jiggles the door handle and Rachel focuses on it through the mirror's reflection. "Dresses really aren't my thing Quinn. I'm sure these would look _so_ much better on you."

"Rach, open the door. Let me see. I'm sure you look beautiful." She considers pulling another dress out of the stack (one that would cover more of her) and putting it on while Quinn checks on her little girl. But Quinn is back as quick as she left and jiggling the handle again.

She unlocks the door but doesn't turn to face her friend. Instead, she closes her eyes and takes in a deep breath, waiting for Quinn to freak the fuck out.

"I think the cut is perfect on you." Her face scrunches up, eyebrow arching when she opens her eyes. "But the fabric does seem a bit too… wispy for you."

Quinn turns her head for a second (instructs Caroline to not leave her dressing room and to try on the blue jumper) before slipping inside the small room with Rachel. Quinn places her hands on Rachel's waist, sliding down the chiffon skirt and bunching the fabric together in the back, forming the dress to the brunette's body. "And if the skirt wasn't so full." She watches as Quinn's eyes trail up her body, hazel orbs barely focusing on the dark bruise on the swell of her breast.

Quinn sighs softly and drops the dress, her right hand rising to Rachel's chest. She outlines the mark with the tip of her fingernail. Rachel closes her eyes when the girl behind her traces it for a second time, the pad of her finger now brushing her skin, her own breathing becoming shallow.

"He does love to leave his mark," she mutters, hand and body suddenly leaving the small room. "Caroline, how does the jumper fit?"

\--

Most nights (for the past five years anyway) Quinn has been so overwhelmed and tired from her day that sleep comes to her instantly.

Now though? Yeah she's still tired from work, her feet still ache, Caroline's still a challenge, and all she wants to do is close her eyes…

But she can't. She woke up at 4 to use the bathroom and hasn't fallen back asleep. She listens to the couple upstairs (they're new and in college from what she's heard), the unbearably thin floors allowing her to hear every little thing that goes on.

She hears a door open and close. She hears a _loud_ thud (she's not even sure what that was but it seemed to happen on a nightly basis). She hears talking and giggling and then it gets quiet for a second.

For exactly one second, it is completely quiet around her.

But the moment is gone as quick as it came and she hears someone on the street honk their car horn repeatedly. She hears the bed upstairs squeak steadily (if the honking would stop she'd probably hear the moans coming from upstairs too).

She sighs and rolls on to her side, eyes glancing at the glowing red numbers on the alarm clock. She has to be up in two hours; is there any point in trying to go back to sleep now?

She sits up, moving her pillow so her back can rest on the plain white wall behind her. That was one of the things Rachel had commented on the first time she'd come over. "Your walls are so bare," she said almost sadly.

She likes Rachel, she knows that. She was the only real friend Quinn ever had (Brittany and Santana didn't count). But the whole mess with Noah… she wasn't sure what that was just yet.

For so long Noah had been just hers. Granted most of their time together had been rough (understatement) and they hadn't really been "together" in any sense of that secondary meaning.

And truth be told, she wasn't really upset about seeing those marks on Rachel (she hadn't been upset about the scratch marks she'd found on Noah's back either).

But there is something in the pit of her stomach that doesn't make her feel comfortable about what was happening. No matter how many times she tells herself that she's happy for Noah (because despite his shitty work schedule Rachel was still able to make him start signing again) and that she's happy for Rachel (because now she wasn't so lonely), that feeling wouldn't leave her alone. It sits in her stomach, growing and festering until it makes her want to throw up.

She knows what the feeling is but she'd not ready to admit it to herself just yet.

She hears the front door open and close quietly, followed by heavy footsteps that head to her shut bedroom door. She smiles softly at Noah's tired face. "What're you doing up," he asks, kicking off his work boots.

"Couldn't sleep," she mumbles as she watches him strip down to his boxers. He slides down next to her, arm wrapping around her waist to bring her closer.

She doesn't want to be the girl that asks or acts like this.

But she takes a deep breath anyway as she curls into him. "Do I make you happy?"

She watches his face intently, notices how his eyebrows move together but eyes stay closed. "Of course."

"Because you know you don't have to stay here right? I don't want you here if you feel like this is the only way you won't turn into your dad." He opens his eyes now.

"Quinn, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"We just sort of fell into what we've done these past few years. If you want to leave, you can. I don't want to hold you back anymore or prevent you from going further with Rachel."

His eyes widen and he tightens his grip around her waist. "I'm not stupid Noah. I can taste her on you, I've seen the marks on both of your bodies, and I've seen the way you two look at each other."

She doesn't know why tears are forming in her eyes (she honestly doesn't feel like she should be so upset about this) but she feels better when he kisses her forehead. "If I didn't want to be here, I would've left already."

"But Rachel was never a factor before…"

He unwraps his arm from around her and lifts his hand to push back her messy blonde hair. "I don't know what's going on with her… I don't know what the fuck is going on with anything."

"What do you mean?" She tangles her smooth pale legs with his as he just stares back at her.

"I love you but I like her too." She nods.

(She's not shocked by his confession on either part; they've both been silent truths for a long time now.)

(She thinks for a moment how fucked up her life has always been. The whole concept of love seems so ridiculous; her _loving_ parents disowned her, she lied and manipulated Finn (a boy she loved), she's thought of leaving the daughter she loves, and she loves a man who likes someone else.

She has a hard time grasping love stories nowadays. Especially when she has such an unconventional one herself.)

"Maybe we're just victims of circumstance," she whispers and he raises an eyebrow. "Maybe you don't love me, maybe you just think you do and Rachel's helping you see that you don't want me."

"Quinn, I _love_ you," he restates and she smiles a little, still not convinced.

Sometimes she thinks too much, so he attacks her lips and pushes his knee up higher until it garners a throaty moan that barely escapes her soft lips.

She misses the taste of oranges.

\--

The next time he tastes like oranges (she's surprised that the now familiar taste doesn't reappear until a few days after their conversation), she kisses him greedily and roughly until their lips are swollen and the taste is gone.

\--

Rachel's pulling away. She still comes over, still gives Caroline her lessons, and still brings Quinn lunch when she goes into work too. But she rarely meets her eyes, walks on eggshells around her, and talks in short clipped sentences (like if she lets herself talk anymore, everything will just spill out).

This is why after work, Quinn ambushes her. She shows up on the Berry doorstep with Caroline on her hip (she's getting too tall to keep carrying her like that) and a bag full of takeout in her hands.

"Hey," she says brightly, hoisting Caroline a little higher. "I brought your favorite Chinese takeout. You up for a girls' night?" She wants to say no (because she hasn't changed the sheets since Noah left earlier) but she hates that she's pulling away from Quinn.

She hesitates and the blonde's shoulders slump, smile dropping a little. "Rachel, I don't care what you do with him okay? I mean I care but…" She closes her eyes for a second before taking a deep breath. "Can we just watch a movie, eat, and not think about him right now?"

\--

She hadn't realized how much she missed Quinn until the three of them are on her bed while watching Grease.

Quinn's resting her head on her shoulder while her hands run through her daughter's dark curls, slowly bringing her hair back in order in to braid it. She's humming softly to the music and she has this smile on her face that hasn't left since Rachel breathed out "Okay" on the porch.

Half way through the movie, Brandon Berry pops his head into Rachel's room and Caroline excitedly sits up. "Can we get ice cream," she asks and Quinn lightly taps her braided head.

"Use your manners," she scolds and the girl rolls her eyes once she turns away from her mother.

"Can we please go get ice cream," she asks and the elder Berry nods.

"Of course sweetheart," he says brightly, holding his hand out for the girl to grab. "This way you girls can talk." He looks at Rachel poignantly before disappearing down the hall with the youngest Puckerman.

"Your dad knows about him," Quinn mumbles and Rachel nods. "Well, I guess it's good that he cares about me."

"Quinn, this whole thing with Noah is… if it bothers you, I'll stop."

"I already told you, it doesn't bother me," she says softly, her smile changing a little.

"How can it not!? I'm sleeping with the guy you've been with for the past five years! This is the _second_ time I've done this to you!"

Quinn perks up. "You slept with Finn when we were dating?"

Rachel shakes her head. "No but I pursued him. This is the second time I've gone after they boys you're with. What the hell does that say about me?"

She shrugs. "Maybe you want in my pants." It slips easily from her lips and they both go wide-eyed for a moment before Quinn giggles slightly. "It just means we have good taste in guys. This doesn't make you a horrible person nor does it make me like you any less."

"But you're with him! People don't do this and when they do, nobody should be _okay_ with it. You should want to scratch my eyes out."

"I'm not saying it isn't a weird situation because it is. I don't know why I'm okay with what's going on but I am. At the end of the day, I still have Noah and I still have you." She shrugs softly and smiles. "I just want us to stop being weird. I miss talking to you. Like actually talking."

"I miss you too." Quinn's smile gets a little wider (transforming into the smile that reaches her eyes). She wraps her arms around the brunette and kisses her cheek as Caroline pounces back into the room, bowl of ice cream in her hand.

"Everything good," Brandon asks from the doorway, large bowl of rocky road in his hand.

Quinn nods and pulls Caroline closer, stealing the spoon from her daughter's bowl and taking a bite.

"Everything's fine Daddy," Rachel reiterates, taking the ceramic bowl from him with a smile.

\--

She decides to surprise Noah one day during her lunch break. (She feels the need to hold on to him tighter now because even though he tells her he loves her often, she knows it's still very possible for him to pick Rachel over her. She is _not_ ready for that yet.)

The house is quiet and she slips off her heels by the front door. She tiptoes towards the bedroom, her blonde hair swishing from side to side against her back until it falls still just as she grips the brass doorknob.

She pushes the door open, expecting to find Noah asleep but instead finds Rachel rolling off him. She stands stunned, hand dropping the purse she forgot she was holding. It takes them both a moment to realize she's there (Noah pulls off the worn condom and tosses it into the trash on his side of the bed while Rachel runs a hand through her now knotted brown hair, her chest rising and falling as she tries to regain a normal breathing pattern) but then everything goes oh so very still.

This whole situation has suddenly gotten more real and she doesn't even know how to respond to this. It was easier to address when it wasn't staring her in the face.

She opens her mouth to say something (she's not even sure she can form words right now) just as Rachel realizes she's naked. She leans forward, groping for the blanket that Quinn sleeps beneath and slides it over her.

(It really shouldn't have taken her that long to cover up but there was a thrill that pooled inside her belly when she noticed Quinn's eyes scanning her entire body.)

Quinn blinks rapidly before settling her gaze on Noah. She doesn't know what to say and he shrugs.

He really doesn't think words fit this situation; no words in this entire language can make this less awkward or right.

So she shuts her mouth, picks up her purse and shuts the door.

\--

They hear the front door open and close a few seconds later and Rachel lets out the breath she didn't realize she was holding. "This fucks everything up," he says, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.

"Ya think," she mutters sarcastically, curling her legs up to her chest underneath the black blanket. She watches as he slips back into his boxers, his head hung and muttering something underneath his breath. She raises an eyebrow when he finally looks back at her, his hand rubbing the back of his neck tiredly.

"She looked at you," he says simply and it only makes her eyebrow arch further. "She didn't look at me, she stared at you."

"So? I was kind of naked, it's hard not to stare."

He shakes his head. "That's not what I mean. Did you honestly not see the way she looked at you? Like _you're_ the one who let her down?"

She wraps her arms around her legs tighter. "I _did_ let her down. I'm supposed to be her friend and instead I'm fucking you."

He lets out a tired sigh and sits back down on the bed. "You don't get it."

"What are you talking about?"

He leans against the wall behind him and she finds herself leaning into him, her previous position falling to the wayside in favor of his warm body. "Does it bother you that I still have sex with her?" She recoils a bit but his arm wraps around her and pulls her back. "Does it bother you that we come home and live our family life and I kiss her and tell her I love her?"

She tries to push him away this time because it _does_ bother her but not for the reason he thinks. "I don't understand what any of this has to do with what you were saying about Quinn," she mutters, tangled arms pushing him away.

"Just answer me." He lets go over and she curls back up into a ball. She doesn't want to have this conversation. Not with him, not out loud, not outside of her head where it makes perfect sense and remains a perfect secret. She shakes her head and he grabs her hand. "It bothers you because you want her."

Her eyes go wide but she keeps looking forward and he feels her tense in his hand. "That's what it is isn't it? You'd rather have her than me but you think you can't."

"I don't want to talk about this," she says quietly, her voice low and deliberate.

"She looked at you like you were the one who was cheating on her." She slowly turns to look at him and he shrugs as he rolls his eyes. "I know she loves me, but I think she might love you too. Which makes this situation even more fucked up than it already is because you don't want me."

She shakes her head. "That's not true Noah. I wouldn't be with you if I didn't want you." She scoots back towards him carefully, like she doesn't want to but needs to. "I love the way _you_ hug me, and the way _you_ make me smile and I love the way _you_ are with Caroline," she says, snaking an arm around his waist. "I went into this thing with you wanting you. But I want her too. Because I love the way _she_ bites her lip when _she_ 's unsure of something and the way _she_ hugs me and the way _she_ is with Caroline. I just don't know what all this means." Its quiet for a second and she lets her head rest on his shoulder. "People aren't supposed to like more than one person."

"Who says?"

"Society jackass."

He smiles. "You're starting to insult me like Quinn."

She pauses a moment, pushes back her brown hair before asking, "Do you really think she likes me back?" She glances up at him and his eyes look like he's somewhere far off and it worries her. But then he looks at her, and nods slowly.

"I just think she's not ready to admit it to herself yet. She's just as confused as we both are."

\--

She disappeared into the bedroom after dinner, leaving him and Caroline alone at the small table. He glances over at his daughter who smiles and keeps talking about her day in school and how she misses coloring all the time like she did in kindergarten. He's glad she's still oblivious to everything around her.

(He'll be even more thankful for this fact in a few months but he doesn't know that yet.)

He cleans up the table and the kitchen, sending Caroline into the living room to watch TV until Quinn is ready to bathe her. He walks into the bedroom right before he's about to leave for work but stops when he finds Quinn staring at the bed, a clean sheet in her hand. "Q?" She looks up at him, almost surprised that he is there, and he sees that her eyes are glazed over with tears. "What's wrong?"

He steps forward and she closes her eyes, her face crumpling as she tightens her grip on the thin white sheet in her hands. "I don't want to change the sheets." It comes out chocked and muffled because she's trying with all her might not to cry.

He doesn't get it, not at first because she just keeps repeating that she doesn't want to change the sheets, but then it hits him. So he walks up to her silently and pulls her close, one arm wrapping around her waist and the other going up to keep her head against the crook of his neck as she starts to let the tears fall. He runs his hand over her hair as her tears start to soak through his shirt and tells her its _okay_.

"Don't tell me that," she spits, pushing him away harder than she should. "It's _not okay_. I should want to _burn_ these sheets!"

He's not sure she'll ever accept this.

She covers her face with her hands before looking at him again, closing the gap she created. "I'm sorry. Go to work." He nods and he kisses her and she _hates_ that she loves the taste of oranges.

\--

"Momma?" Caroline looks up at her, face sort of scrunched up as Quinn massages the shampoo into her hair.

"Hm?"

"Who's God?" Her hands still, white soapy foam covering hiding her hands in brown hair.

"Why do you ask?"

"We have to say his name every morning when we say the pledge. Allie thought it was weird that I didn't know who he was…" Quinn grabs the cup from the edge of the tub, scooping up water and instructing her daughter to lean her head back as she let the water fall on the mass of hair.

"Not everyone thinks God exists sweetheart," Quinn says finally, pouring more water over the brown curls until they fall straight under the force and are clear of bubbles.

"Do you?"

She bites her lips. "Not anymore."

Caroline frowns though she's not sure why. "Why not? Was he mean to you?"

Quinn smiles softly. "It's hard to explain." She watches as her daughter crosses her arms over her chest, face hardening into a glare. "Some people believe that God is who created everything. He's what created this earth and us and he's the one who decides when you die if you get to go to heaven. He's supposed to be watching over you, protecting you, and guiding us through life."

Caroline nods but then her face contorts again. "So why don't you believe in him?"

"I think he stopped watching over me." She watches her daughter's curious look turn into a frown as she massages the conditioner into her hair. "But that doesn't mean he's stopped watching you. If you want to believe in him you can."

She nods again and then changes the subject back to the boy who tired to make her trade her sandwich for his celery sticks.

\--

She thinks that this might be why she loved going to church so much, why she believed in the whole concept so much.

She stands on the steps of the cathedral downtown, the giant gothic one that rang its bells every hour on the dot. She used to go here every Easter, every Christmas, every Sunday without fail. She went even if she was sick and she sometimes went without her parents or her sister, just to sit and look and take everything in.

She used to have so much hope.

She straightens her skirt and slowly walks up the steps and past the large wooden doors that remained open and inviting until dark. Her eyes look at everything: the stained glass windows depicting the saints, the rows and _rows_ of pews, the baptismal tub, the confessional boxes lining the walls, the huge organ by the alter, and the candles flickering on the opposite wall. She feels herself missing this place just a little bit.

She takes long strides over to the candles, lighting a few (one for herself and the other for Caroline) before making a quick sign of the cross. She turns back and looks at the long rows of pews, noticing a few people sitting in them, all looking forward at the cross where Jesus laid trapped.

Her family used to sit in the second row. Looking at it now makes her sick; she doesn't belong up there.

She takes a seat on the end of the pew closest to the door. She can feel the cool wind slip in from outside and she silently pulls down the knee rest. She takes a deep breath and puts her purse down behind her, unbuttoning her red coat. She puts her hands together so that her fingertips reach her nose, her head cast down. Her hair falls like a curtain around her and she closes her eyes tight.

She's so lost. She doesn't know what any of the thoughts in her head mean. She knows that if she still put all of herself into this faith, she would be telling herself that what she felt and thought was impure and sinful. Only the tainted would think that, the ones who don't love God.

He can't love her back because of her thoughts. She's betraying what she grew up to believe and betraying him by liking _her_.

She knows that she should feel guilty about this, that she should feel like it's wrong. But she doesn't. It makes her happy when Rachel smiles at her or when she hugs her. She loves how great she is with her daughter and how happy she makes Noah.

_Noah…_

She loves Noah too. She can't even describe it anymore. These past five years were probably the worst of her life and he stayed. He came home every morning no matter what, he held her when she broke down sobbing on a weekly basis, and he kissed her to the point where she could forget everything else. (It scares the shit out of her that she thinks that kissing Rachel could make her feel the same way.)

And she doesn't want to lose him. She _can't_ lose him. She's not even sure she knows how to function without him anymore. But if Rachel wants him (instead of her) then she thinks she might be okay losing him. Because Rachel needs someone who will take care of her and Noah is the right kind of guy to do it.

"This doesn't make sense," she whispers, just loud enough for herself and God to hear. "It's not right religiously or socially. I shouldn't want this and I feel so bad that I do…" She trails off and squeezes her eyes a little tighter as a few tears manage to escape. "But please help me. I don't know what to do or where to go. You shouldn't help me but I need it. I understand why you 'left' me before now. You gave me Noah when I needed someone the most. You gave me something tangible. So _please_ give me something tangible again. I need a sign that will let me know this is okay or if I'm insane. Because I feel so crazy about this. It's _not_ right. But my heart seems to be betraying my mind because I keep kissing him and looking at her and wanting so badly to have both of them." She breathes out, opening her eyes and looking up at the cross that hangs above the alter. "I will accept hell with open arms if you just help me this one last time."

She does the sign of the cross, mutters an amen, before sitting back on the pew. She pushes up the knee rest, wipes her wet cheeks and walks out of the church with her head held high.

\--

There is no sign when she gets home. She's greeted like usual, by Noah and Caroline, her daughter finishing up her homework while Noah cooks dinner.

She knows that this stuff isn't instant. So she smiles and pulls her daughter into her lap as she checks her spelling words.

\--

There is no sign a week later. Rachel just smiles at her from across the desk.

She thinks the sign comes when Rachel's foot glides halfway up her calf but then she looks up from her notes, mutters a sorry and goes back to highlighting a passage.

This wasn't the sign. But these things take time and she knows that she has to wait her turn.

\--

There is no sign a month later. She's starting to get discouraged but then remembers she hasn't really put much effort into showing that she wants his help. So every night after she puts Caroline to bed, she says a prayer, thanking God for her day and her family (she includes Rachel in this, though she's not sure if this'll help or hurt her case).

\--

Halloween comes and Rachel spends most of the money she has saved up on a costume for Caroline. "Rachel, this was _totally_ unnecessary."

The brunette shakes her head. "I wanted to do it. Besides, I think you're going to die when you see her in it." She disappears back into the bathroom where her little girl stays hidden. Quinn slumps down next to Noah on the couch and he smiles at her like he knows something she doesn't.

It makes her feel uneasy.

But then Rachel walks out of the bathroom, body carefully hiding the girl who walks behind her. "Close your eyes Quinn."

She frowns. "Why doesn't he have to?"

"He's already seen it. This is a surprise for _you_." She rolls her eyes but closes them anyway and doesn't open them until she feels a gloved hand pat her arm.

There Caroline was, wearing a golden yellow dress with matching gloves, her long brown hair pulled back into a half ponytail. "You're Belle," she exclaims, wrapping her arms around her baby girl and bringing her into her lap.

"Do you like it Momma?" Her smile is so big and she looks so adorable with her red lips and yellow dress that Quinn can't even find the words.

"I _love_ it baby. And I love you! You look so adorable."

There are a lot of things Quinn hopes Caroline doesn't remember. She hopes she doesn't remember some of the fights she's gotten into with Noah or the time they played hide and seek and Quinn slipped out of the apartment because she just needed sometime alone or the time that Noah let it slip and screamed that he hated her. She also hope she doesn't remember the sorry excuses for birthdays and Christmases/ Hanukahs or the fact that this is only the second time she's ever dressed up for Halloween.

But Quinn _really_ hopes she remembers this. Because everything about this moment is kind of perfect.

Noah dances with her until it gets dark, spins her faster and faster so that the yellow dress billows out. She and Rachel work in the kitchen, making dinner and smiling at each other. Quinn hugs Rachel and thanks her and kisses her cheek. "Why are you thanking me," Rachel asks with a laugh, pulling away only slightly so that she can look into hazel eyes.

"Because you do things like this… things that will have me smiling for the rest of the week." Her smile gets a little wider (as if it were possible) and Rachel just hugs her tighter.

She's not sure if this is the sign or not.

She keeps praying anyway.

\--

Quinn unlocks the door of her apartment, cursing the rickety steps she just climbed. "Noah I know you're busy during the day but do you think you could fix a few of those steps," she says as she opens the door, kicking her heels off and dropping her purse. "I just almost fell twice." She turns the corner into the kitchen and is surprised when she finds Rachel at the stove, stirring a pot of sauce. "Hey."

The brunette looks over her shoulders and smiles. "Noah went out to go get a cake mix."

She scrunches up her eyebrows in confusion. "Why?" She notices Rachel stop moving for a second before stirring once more and setting the wooden spoon down. She turns around with her arms on her hips and her head tilted.

"Did you forget about your birthday?"

"No I didn't forget my birthday. It's only the 12th."

Rachel rolls her eyes but keeps smiling. "Check the date on my phone," she says, turning around to look at the bread baking in the oven.

When she turns back around, her phone is in Quinn's hand, the blonde's face fallen. "It is the 13th. I feel like I've wasted most of my birthday."

Rachel shakes her head. "We're having dinner and cake. Caroline made you something in school today and there's presents."

"Presents?" She's gotten used to getting nothing more than a day off for her birthday.

"Of course there's presents. Who doesn't get presents on their birthday?" She's really glad Rachel wasn't here when birthdays were nothing special.

\--

Caroline's asleep and Noah's left for work by the time Rachel decides to give Quinn her present. They sit on opposite ends of the couch, their legs spread out and resting against the others'. She looks content in her spot on the couch, placing her plate and fork on the coffee table next to the presents given to her by Noah, Caroline, and the Berrys. She glances over Rachel and smiles when she sees her looking back. "Are you ready for my present?"

"I thought you were lumped in with your dads?" Rachel shakes her head and leans down to fish the box out of her purse. She hands the box over to her friend and bites her lip nervously.

"I hope you like it." She tears back the pink wrapping paper with Happy Birthday exclaimed in equally bright colors printed on it and then uses her nail to slice the tape holding the small black box closed. She pulls off the lid and then takes out the layer of cotton and then she sees it. A silver cross staring back at her, a small diamond nestled into the circle of eternity. She stares down at it, completely taken back. (She didn't expect this, at _all_ ). "I know it's a bit different than the one you used to wear and a bit bigger but I hope it's alright."

She finally takes her eyes off the necklace and looks up at Rachel. "Why…" She has to look back down at the cross because she feels like this is it.

"Noah said that he caught you praying a few times." She smiles softly. "I think it's good that you've found religion again Quinn. That used to be so much of who you were…" She thinks she sounds a little sad when she says the last bit because she know what this means (Quinn isn't choosing her). "The guy at the store said he could put a stone in it and I figured you'd like having Caroline's birthstone in it." She shrugs a little and watches as Quinn sits up straight, hands carefully pulling the necklace out of the box.

She lets it hang from her fingers and twirl in the air, her eyes focused on it. Her eyes start to well up with tears (she hates that she's gotten so emotional) and then looks at Rachel who still looks cautious.

This is her sign.

"I… I don't even know how to explain how much I love this Rachel," she says softly, and she scoots closer to the brunette, turning in the process. She holds the necklace out expectantly and Rachel happily secures it around her neck.

Quinn turns around and hugs Rachel like she's done so many times before and the shorter girl lets out a sigh.

She pulls back a little and bites her lip nervously. Rachel's eyes dart between her lips and Quinn's hazel eyes because she feels like there's something new there.

And then it happens. Quinn slowly leans in and presses her lips against Rachel's. It's soft and it lingers and when Quinn pulls away, she looks at Rachel carefully.

She feels Quinn smile when she kisses her again.

\--

When Noah kisses Rachel when she comes over the next afternoon, he pulls away with a grin. "You kissed her."

Rachel smiles and then kisses him again.

\--

Girl's nights become more frequent. Noah goes off to work and Caroline goes to sleep and they usually end up on the bed she dirtied earlier that afternoon with him.

Quinn straddles her hips and kisses her hard, biting at her bottom lip as Rachel's hands slide underneath the hem of her shirt, thumbs rubbing into her skin.

She loves kissing Rachel. She loves the taste of her and how soft and full her lips are compared to Noah's.

\--

It's on Thanksgiving that it becomes more than just making out in her bed. On Thanksgiving, after dinner at the Berry household, Caroline goes to a movie with Rachel's dads while Noah goes to work. They lay in Rachel's bed and suddenly just kissing her isn't enough. She wants more, needs more and so she pulls at the hem of Rachel's sweater, tugging at it lightly.

It's gone soon after that, just like her own top and their pants, and every other piece of clothing that could separate them.

Then she feels Rachel kiss her way down her body, tongue darting out when she reaches her breasts, until finally she's _there_ and doing all these things with her fingers and her mouth and Quinn can't believe she ever thought that this was wrong.

Being with Rachel Berry, especially like this, is perhaps one of the best feelings in the world.

\--

Rachel finds it a little amusing that Quinn thinks Noah is oblivious to it. Or maybe she doesn't actually think that, maybe that's just what she wants to think.

Still, Quinn won't let her kiss her in front of him, won't let her touch her if he's in the same house.

It's okay with her though because Noah seems okay with how the situation is. "It'd be a hell of a lot easier and faster if we just stopped acting like we're not all fucking each other," he says one day when he's getting dressed, Rachel laying in the bed she's become a fixture in.

"Quinn would freak out if that happened," she answers, looking around the room for her shirt she wore today. (She can't find it but finds the shirt she lost last night with the blonde so she throws that one on instead.)

He nods because it's the truth. He's amazed Quinn has even allowed herself to be with Rachel. "It'd be pretty fucking hot though."

She rolls her eyes. "You're a pig."

He smiles. "You know it's the truth." (She can't stop the smile that forms on her face.)

\--

One night, they fall asleep before Rachel can go home.

Noah comes back from work, walks quietly into the small room he shares with Quinn and smiles when he sees the extra body in the bed. He takes off his work boots and Quinn rolls over, eyes straining in the darkness. "Noah?"

"Hey babe." He sees her glance nervously at Rachel, whose arm is draped over the blonde's waist, keeping her close to her. "It's _okay_." He watches at she looks at Rachel again before looking back at him and pulling back the blanket, waiting for him to get in.

"This whole situation is weird," she whispers once he slides in next to her, her forehead resting against his.

"It's a good weird though isn't it?" She doesn't answer him but she smiles and he drops a kiss on her lips. "This can be our perfect situation okay? Don't think about what any of this means outside of this room because it doesn't matter right now."

He wants everything to stay like this forever (he knows it'll crash and burn somehow).

She nods and kisses him again, hands moving to touch his arms and chest. She feels Rachel move behind her, the girl's arm tightening around her waist before she feels the mattress move even more. She feels lips against her shoulder blade and she smiles against Noah.

He pulls away and leans over her, his hand now tangling in brown hair as he kisses Rachel.

Quinn looks up at the scene above her and the only thing she can think of is how these two beautiful people are hers and no one else's. She feels the warm wet develop between her legs just as they pull away, both of them smiling as Rachel leans down and kisses her.

For the first time in a long time, Quinn blushes during sex.

This perhaps the crudest thing she's ever seen (ever done) as she watches Rachel slide down on to Noah as she herself has a thigh on either side of his face, her body leaning forward so she can capture Rachel's lips.

She thinks that after they're done and all three lying back down in the bed that's too small to hold two of them (let alone all three), arms wrapped one another, and that this is perfect. This was a perfect situation and she falls asleep watching Noah's tried face, Rachel's face pressed against her back.

\--

It's perfect. Every waking moment. They kiss and have sex and it's not weird. Nothing changes but it _all_ changes and for once, Rachel thinks that change is good.

They have a date night every Friday (her dads think that they're just hanging out and need some time away from Caroline but it's _so_ much more than that) and to the outside world they look like best friends but it's better than that.

When they all hang out before Noah goes off to work and Caroline falls asleep, she feels like she finally has a family. And even though she can't kiss either of them when she'd like to (it was clear that this was something Caroline did not see, though the rule applied to when they were in public sometimes) it still feels perfect.

\--

Until one day it's not perfect anymore.

She slides out of her bed and walks into her bathroom. It's late and she's tired but this has been raking her mind all day (she couldn't concentrate at work for the life of her). Her feet are cold against the tile as she reads over the instructions before opening up the package.

She pees, waits three minutes, and then looks at herself in the mirror. She looks scared and sad and upset and this is going to ruin _everything._

She looks down at the stick and throws up when she sees the word pregnant.


	5. Chapter 5

After the new year comes, her parents tell her that she needs to start looking for some place to live. "You're kicking me out," she asks, looking in between her fathers from across the dining room table.

"It's not that," Brandon Berry begins, reaching forward to try and grab her hand.

She pulls away from him for the first time in her life.

"Why?"

"We just think if you planned on staying here permanently you should have a place of your own. That way you can come and go as you please," John Berry says carefully. "You're 21, Rachel. You should want to be out and on your own, without me and your father watching over you."

She's quiet, looking down at her hands in her lap before pushing back her chair and standing up. "I'll be in my room until they get here."

"How is it that she became more of a teenager now? We had an adult when she was 16," John complains once they hear her bedroom door open and shut.

"It's _Noah_ ," Brandon accuses as they both stand, carefully making their way back into the kitchen.

John rolls his eyes. "Noah is a good boy."

"He isn't Rachel's to have," he yells, throwing his hands in the air. "I know that we can't control Rachel or stop her from making bad choices but I can not watch her ruin that family anymore."

John smiles sadly, pulling his husband close. "I know. And she'll realize that moving out will be what's best."

\--

When Quinn gently knocks on her door, she's just finishing brushing her teeth. "Rachel?"

She doesn't let her come in until she's back on her bed. "Your dads said you were upset."

She lets out sort of a chocked laugh and nods. "They're kicking me out." Quinn's eyes go wide and Rachel pulls her down on the bed. "It's not an 'I have to get out now', but I have to start looking."

"That might be nice… Having a place of your own." She laces their fingers together and Rachel thinks of telling her then. But she's smiling and now she's kissing her and Quinn is so happy nowadays so she keeps her mouth shut. "I'd offer to have you move in with us but you know how hard it is cramming someone else in there."

Rachel gives a small smile and a nod. She doesn't think she could move in there if she wanted to. "Can we have a mini date night after dinner? I just need you guys right now."

Quinn runs her hand through Rachel's hair, allowing her nails to scratch at her scalp. "Of course."

\--

Quinn kisses her daughter's face a million times until the girl starts laughing. "You always have fun with them baby. Tonight won't be any different. Plus you have new toys to play with while we're out."

Caroline still giggles in her lap. "But it's Sunday dinner, Momma. We're supposed to be with family."

"We are with family. We'll be back soon, I promise." Caroline hops off her lap and attaches herself to Noah's leg when he walks into the family room.

She watches Noah pick up his daughter from her spot on the couch, watching how his smile changes and whispers something in her ear. Caroline immediately nods her head and kisses Noah's cheek before he puts her down. "How do you do that," Quinn asks, leaning into him when he sits down next to her. He attempts to shrug and she sighs. "She just likes you more."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is. You spend more time with her than I do. I suppose it's only natural." He opens his mouth to respond but then Rachel walks in and Quinn gets up immediately to hug their girlfriend; their focus has to be on her now.

\--

When they get into Rachel's car (Noah behind the wheel), she announces that she doesn't want to talk about it; she just wants a fun carefree date night (she knows they won't have many more of these).

So they go see a movie (Noah splurges for popcorn because the girls love the movie theater butter) and he keeps his hands on the girls' thighs the entire time. Quinn seems focused on the movie (and the popcorn she's inhaling) but Rachel moves restlessly so he lets his hand move underneath her skirt.

She shoots him a glare and tries to push his hand away. "It'll relax you," he whispers in her ear. She doubts it will but she lets his hand sneak back between her legs.

She feels like throwing up again, the smell of the movie theater popcorn making her stomach flip. She shuts her eyes in order to block everything out in order to focus on her body: the way Noah's hand rubs her through her underwear, the way her whole body feels like its sagging from exhaustion and pleasure and the way she tries to steady her breathing (taking shallow inhales because her heart is speeding up and the popcorn smell seems to be enveloping her).

Before she can stop it, she lets a small moan escape her lips (Maybe Noah was right; this was letting her relax a little). Quinn looks over and smiles, leaning to leave a kiss on Noah's cheek. "Let's go home."

\--

They wait by the bookstore exit while Noah brings the car closer, arms linked. Quinn looks down at Rachel, worry veiled by a small smile on her face. "You alright?" Rachel nods against the blonde's shoulder. "Are you sure? Because you don't seem like it."

She moves, wrapping her arms around Quinn's waist, bodies flush together as she looks up at her girlfriend. "I just want to stop thinking so much."

"You're Rachel Berry, I don't think you can do that," she answers with a smile. "Talk to me. What's going on?" She starts rubbing circles on her back and Rachel wishes she could say it.

(She doesn't think she could if she wants to.)

She rises on her tiptoes and kisses Quinn in order to get her to stop talking. She's hesitant (they need to talk about whatever's going on because Rachel's starting to really worry her) but then kisses back, tongue skating across Rachel's bottom lip.

The buttery taste hits her as soon as she lets Quinn's tongue slip inside and she pushes her away instantly. "What the hell?" Quinn looks at her confused as she takes deep breath, willing herself to not throw up.

"Sorry," she mutters as she digs through her purse, pulling out a tin of Altoids. She pops two into her mouth, sucking viciously on the mints. "You taste like popcorn."

"I'm sorry? You normally like the popcorn…" She raises an eyebrow as Rachel looks past her.

"Tonight it's upsetting my stomach," she says with a shrug, grabbing Quinn's hand and dragging her outside.

This is her first clue.

\--

Later, when they're home (Caroline is passed out in her bed) and they're all stripped of their clothes in the tiny little bedroom, Rachel squeezes her eyes shut when Noah takes her nipple into his mouth.

Quinn notices the tears that escape from behind her eyelids but doesn't say anything, just pushes her lips against Rachel's.

This is the second.

\--

Quinn looks across her desk to see Rachel scrunching her nose up as she looks at the Chinese her dad got them for lunch. "Something wrong with your cho mein?" Rachel glances at her with a small forced smile.

This is the third and final clue.

"No but there is with these apartment prices." She smiles a little wider and Quinn looks at the newspaper that lays in front of her girlfriend, two ads circled in red sharpie. She arches an eyebrow just barely before taking a bite of fried rice.

\--

Noah watches Quinn as she fixes herself a plate of leftovers. "What's wrong with you?" She looks over her shoulder at him, blonde hair framing her face as she shakes her head.

"Nothing's wrong." He gets up from his place at the table, crossing the threshold into the kitchen, and placing his hands on her hips.

"Bullshit," he whispers in her ear and she shivers lightly. She closes her eyes for a moment before opening them and looking at the velveeta they ate last night.

"I think something's wrong with Rachel." His fingers dig into her hips through her pencil skirt and watches as she spoons some of the shells on her plate back into the bowl. "She's not acting like herself."

"What do you mean?" She turns in his arms, bringing her long hair over her shoulder so it doesn't get into the food behind her. She looks into his dark eyes and knows she can't tell him this, not yet.

So she shakes her head lightly, toothless smile appearing on her face. "It's probably nothing. She just seems like she's been getting sick. It's probably just me."

He smiles back (even though he knows that's her fake smile) and leaves a kiss on her temple. "It's just the mama bear in you. You're like that with Caroline." She nods and kisses him, exhaling loudly when he goes back into the dining room.

\--

It's a week later when he notices two things.

It's just him, Rachel, and Caroline and they're having a great time.

But she's looking at Caroline different. She's still smiling and generally listening to what his daughter is saying to her but there's this look in her eyes. She looks so confused behind those chocolate orbs and it scares the shit out of him.

She's gonna leave, he can feel it in his bones. He doesn't know when but he knows their time together is like a ticking time bomb.

(When they get back from the park, he sets Caroline up with a movie in her room and then fucks Rachel until Quinn gets home.)

He notices the next thing during dinner. They're all sitting around the dinner table, the four of them, and everyone's eating and talking and laughing and it seems normal. But then Quinn offers Rachel some mashed potatoes. The brunette (who usually takes some of his potatoes home she loves them so much) shakes her head and says. "No thank you."

Quinn glances over at him as she sets the bowl down and three minutes later Rachel, who hadn't said much after thank you, excuses herself to the bathroom.

Caroline frowns when the sound of throwing up travels through their thin walls and asks Quinn if Aunt Rachel is sick. "Probably the stomach flu," Noah mutters and Quinn can't look at him for the rest of dinner.

\--

Quinn wakes up when Noah comes home from work. He slides into the bed next to her silently, wrapping his arm around her waist. "Noah?" He grunts in response and she lays her cold hands on his tan arm. "You don't remember anything about me being pregnant huh?"

"I remember stuff from when you were pregnant," he says defensively and she turns on her side to face him, hand leaving his arm to cup his face.

"I meant like, the small stuff. Like when I realized that my boobs had gone up nearly three cups or how in the beginning I couldn't be in the same room as ham or potatoes…"

"I wasn't there in the beginning, Quinn. How am I supposed to remember things I wasn't included in?" She rolls over on to her other side, pushing his arm off her.

\--

He sits beside her on his couch, both with newspapers in their hands. "What about this one," he asks, leaning over to show her the ad in his section. "It's probably really small but it's in between here and your dads'." Her eyes glance over the small print and then pass him the red sharpies she was holding.

"That's a good price," she says quietly.

"Are you okay," he asks, looking down at the girl carefully.

Maybe Quinn was right, maybe something was wrong with Rachel. He's not sure he's ever heard her speak so quietly and he can't stop thinking about Quinn's aversion to potatoes when she was pregnant with Caroline.

She nods and smiles. "I'm fine. Just getting tired of all this apartment hunting."

"Are you sure?" She smiles again and leans further into his side, hand falling onto his thigh.

"I'm fine, Noah. I promise."

And then she goes back to looking through all the apartment listings, quiet the entire time.

All the while, he can't stop thinking about how scared he is that she's so fucking quiet and those god damn mashed potatoes.

\--

A few weeks later she practically pushes Noah out the door because she needs to find out if it's true; needs to confirm her suspicions. She's watched Rachel avoid potatoes and Chinese food for the past two weeks and has heard her throw up more times than she can count; she can not just sit back and watch anymore and she can't bring herself to just _ask_.

Rachel lies on the couch, blanket draped over her, eyes focused on the TV like this is just another day.

She looks so tired and different and Quinn really doesn't even need to do what she's about to do because she knows it's already true.

Still, she perches herself on the edge of the couch in front of Rachel and pushes her hair back lovingly. "Is your stomach still acting up?"

She sort of shrugs. "Not really." Quinn nods and leans in to leave three lingering kisses on the brunette's lips. When she doesn't react, Quinn kisses her harder and a bit more frenzied.

She breathes a sigh of relief into the other girl's mouth when Rachel pulls her closer (although she's not sure why she's relieved because really, this doesn't disprove anything).

She moves to straddle Rachel when her mind gets the better of her. "Come on," she says, lacing their fingers together and pulling the girl up.

She shuts the door quietly behind them, Rachel going to lie down out of habit (or instinct, she isn't sure which anymore). She walks over to her silently and kisses her again, this time her hands slipping underneath the bottom of her shirt. She feels Rachel gasp lightly as her fingertips graze over still flat stomach and then again when her nails scrape across the cotton bra she wears.

"Quinn." Rachel pulls away and she just uses this moment to pull the brunette's shirt over her head.

"I don't understand how he doesn't see it," Quinn muses, hands carefully reaching around to unhook the bra that separates her from Rachel's bare chest.

She feels hands on her arms and she takes her gaze off Rachel's chest and meets her eyes. "Quinn, _please_ ," she pleads.

They know this is the beginning of the end.

Quinn's fingers silently undo the clasp and Rachel closes her eyes. "I'm sorry."

She pulls away the bra and then cups Rachel's tender breast. They're unnoticeably fuller (to anyone other than Quinn and herself), the tiniest bit more heavy. She squeezes and Rachel hisses, pushing the blonde's hands away.

"How far along are you?"

"I haven't gone to the doctor yet."

Quinn meets her eyes with a glare. (For the first time in a while, she feels like she's about to encounter the Quinn she knew in high school.) "How late are you?"

She's silent for a moment, the look of addition etched on to her face. "I've just missed my third period."

Quinn's eyes widen. She pushes herself off the bed quickly, turning around to look at her girlfriend. Her mouth opens but nothing but dead air comes out. They just stare at each other until Quinn turns around and leaves the room.

Rachel doesn't move after that. She stays still and silent for five minutes until she puts her shirt back on.

She opens the bedroom door and looks at the living room around her. No lights are on and Quinn's nowhere in sight. Suddenly the blonde appears, closing Caroline's door behind her. She doesn't look at her even thought she knows she's there, just crosses the hall and goes into the bathroom.

Rachel pads her way across the living room and leans into the doorway, watching Quinn with a confused look on her face. "You're cleaning." Her voice is quiet even though the only other sound in the entire apartment is the sound of the sponge against the tub.

Quinn nods as she leans over the side of the tub, scrubbing at a mildew stain in the corner. "When I'm upset, I clean."

Rachel breathes in deep (then wrinkles her nose because she just inhaled nothing but chemicals) and crosses her arms underneath her chest. "Can you please just say something?"

Quinn laughs. "What would you like me to say Rachel? That I'm happy? It's obvious that I'm not."

"I know you're not… I don't know what I want you to say, I just need you to say something."

Quinn won't look back at her, she just keeps scrubbing at the built up gunk in the corner. "What're you going to do?"

Rachel looks down. She can still see her feet. Her eyes focus on her flat stomach hiding underneath her plain white shirt. She doesn't know. She likes the way things are now but- "You're attached already aren't you?" Quinn cuts off her thoughts and it's now that she realizes Quinn's looking at her.

"I… I don't know…"

Quinn pushes back the blonde hair that's fallen out of her messy bun, sponge still in her free hand. "That corner gets a thick cover of mildew every two weeks because the shower doesn't drain all the way. The stove has two burners that don't work. There's mold growing on the windowsill in Caroline's room because the window doesn't lock down properly so then snow seeps in. Noah works shitty hours and then does so much during the day because I need him to. The past four years I worked in a shitty diner and now? Yeah, I have a better paying job but I still work insane hours. My daughter doesn't like me and truth be told, I don't know her all that well. I had no life before you came back… You don't want that life Rachel. You don't want this," she says, waving her hands around the room.

"It doesn't have to be like that Quinn… I'd have you and Noah… We could make it work."

Quinn shakes her head. "And we would live happily ever after? Get your head out of the clouds Rachel." She pushes past her but stops walking when she hears her girlfriend ask, "Then what do you want me to do?"

Quinn pauses, squares her shoulders and lets out a breath. "Abort it."

She gasps lightly, the sharp intake of breath hurting her throat. She side steps into the bathroom and throws up (she's positive this isn't the morning sickness).

\--

"Rach," he says softly, pushing her shoulder and kissing her temple.

She groans, eyes blinking open as she pushes herself further into the couch. "What time is it?" Her mouth is dry.

She rubs a hand over her face. Her cheeks are sticky.

"A little after 6." She can hear the shower running. "Why are you sleeping on the couch?"

She looks scared and worried and he automatically assumes the worst.

"I didn't mean to… I swear I didn't mean for this to happen," she starts rambling and he pushes his eyebrows together in confusion.

"For what to happen?" He looks so tired… Maybe Quinn was right; maybe she couldn't (shouldn't) do this.

"I'm pregnant," she whispers so quietly she's not even sure any sound comes out. But his eyes widen and she knows he heard her, his face becoming completely unreadable.

He leans back on to his knees slightly and then asks, "Are you sure?" (He already knows that she is) She nods and then he does the one thing she almost thought Quinn would do.

He wraps his arms around her, digging his face into her hair and breathing in deep. "It'll be okay," he whispers. She lets out a sob and a sigh simultaneously and clutches on to him. She wants so badly to believe him.

The shower turns off and they both tense.

\--

They stare at each other in silence, his fists clenching because he could honestly hit her right now.

Just raise his fist and in one fluid motion, punch that blank defiant gaze off her face.

"You told her _what_?"

She swallows and places her hands in her lap as she looks him straight in the eye. "To abort it."

He turns around and punches a hole in the wall next to the TV. "What the _fuck,_ Quinn?!"

She jumps as she hears his hand scrape and break through the rough plaster but she forces her face to remain looking like she's in control; like this isn't tearing her up inside either. "Do you have a better solution, _Puck_ ," she asks, voice and eyes daring him to say something that would fix this.

"Yeah I do, _cunt_. It's this little thing called giving birth and raising the baby. Don't know if you remember but you did that almost six years ago," he spits and she rolls her eyes.

"How do you suppose she goes about that?"

"Are you really that much of a heartless bitch? In case you didn't notice, we are both kind of dating her. And even if we weren't, we're still her friends. She can raise that baby with our help."

Her eyes watch the blood drip from his knuckles as she scoffs. "And how will we do that? We work all the time, she only makes enough to support herself and her dads _hate_ you."

"It's my baby, Quinn."

"You're all eager now aren't you? You were last time too, all sunshine and fucking rainbows. 'We can be a family' and 'I'll take care of the both of you'. It's all _bullshit_ Noah! Do you remember what it was like before Rachel came back? Because I do. I remember us hating each other and _hating_ Caroline and feeling like we were drowning and dying slowly. It won't be all sunshine and rainbows. It'll be our last five years only ten times worse."

He wants to punch her again. "It doesn't have to be like that with her," he says through gritted teeth and she stands up from her spot on the couch.

"Then go be with her. Go raise your baby because I don't want you. You can ruin her all you want but I'm done letting you ruin me." She walks into their bedroom and shuts the door quietly.

She's halfway through changing the sheets when she hears the door slam so hard, she can feel the vibrations in her chest.


	6. Chapter 6

He isn't back by the next morning. She has to leave work early to pick up Caroline and lies to Mr. Berry as to why Noah can't do it. "Terrible stomach flu," she says.

He nods. "It must be going around. Rachel hasn't been feeling good either." He smiles at her, legal papers in his hands and she has to force herself not to cry.

That night, Noah still isn't back and Rachel calls to tell her she'll be staying at her dads' for the night.

She feels drained and scared. Drained because she's just experienced her first day as a single mother; scared because she thinks that Noah and Rachel are (have) abandoning her. She knows this baby cannot, under any means, be kept. There are no funds to raise the child, and the only thing that could be produced is lies.

How on Earth would they explain why she's so okay with the fact that her boyfriend impregnated someone who isn't her? And would she be referred to as Aunt Quinn, the same way Caroline refers to Rachel as Aunt? Would Noah divide his time between the apartment and Rachel's? It wouldn't be fair to that baby if Noah stayed here all the time. And it's not as if they could afford to get a place together. Rachel was only working part time at her dad's law firm and then she'd have to take maternity leave. Plus Quinn had hoped that Noah would be able to get a job with better hours now that she had a better paying job.

Then there was the matter of Caroline and the Berrys. What would they tell them? They couldn't possibly tell them the entire truth, if any. Caroline could skate by with very basic information but the Berrys? They would expect her to be mad at both Noah and Rachel but she can't. She was a part of them, right in the middle of them (often times quite literally).

Rachel can't keep the baby. As much as it hurt her to say _those_ words to her girlfriend, she needed to be the strong one in this situation. Noah was too happy with the situation to see the gravity of it. Rachel was too confused and most likely in shock to know what to think of the situation. Quinn was the only one who had a clear head in this. She's been here before and most days, she knew she made the wrong choice.

She couldn't let Rachel do this to herself and she couldn't let Noah do it again.

\--

Noah isn't back the next night either.

She takes the whole day off work and after she drops Caroline off at school, she just walks down the streets of Lima alone.

She misses them and they've only been gone one day.

Truth be told (and she hates to admit this), she's not sure she knows how to function without Noah. And since he's apparently choosing Rachel over her, she had better start figuring out how to live without him.

She walks into the supermarket and wanders aimlessly for a while, grabbing the stuff she knows they need (more toilet paper, toothpaste, bread for Caroline's lunches) and stuff she thinks they might need (another gallon of milk, more conditioner since they always seem to run out of that first). When she turns down the next aisle, her cart narrowly misses that of Judy Fabray's.

The two blondes stare at one another in silence, Quinn's hands clutching her cart while Judy's hand remains outstretched, reaching for a bottle of laundry detergent. Quinn's lips part slightly, tongue ready to form the word 'mom' but her mind quickly overrides that decision. This woman is not her mom. This is the woman she hasn't seen in nearly six years, the woman who's never met Caroline, and the woman who doesn't know how big of a fuck up she's become.

"Quinn," her mother says softly as she finally grabs the laundry soap and places it in her cart. The older woman laces her fingers together and sets them atop the handle of the cart, staring back at her youngest daughter.

"I don't know what to say to you," Quinn mutters, looking down at the contents inside her cart (she's gotten too much; it's near the end of the month and she needs to conserve what little money they have left) before finally locking eyes with her mother (a shiver snakes through her spine when she does).

It's quiet between them again and it's really quite funny isn't it? How there are times where it appears that you're completely secluded from the world, always during the moments you need it the most. The aisle contains just the two of them and Judy looks around to make sure that they are indeed alone. Then she takes a visible deep breath and looks down at her hands. "Do you have time for coffee?"

She should say no, turn away from her mother, and ignore her for another five years. But she's should've done a lot of things, why not add one more to the list?

She nods and both women abandon their carts in the middle of the aisle.

\--

Her mother perches herself elegantly on the chair inside the Starbucks, opening the lid of her tea and blowing on the hot liquid. Quinn fidgets across from her, taking a gulp of the regular coffee she let her mother buy her; the dark liquid burns as it goes down her throat but it hurts a lot less than other things do.

They stare at each other for a few moments and Quinn thinks that it's so weird to not see the fake polite smile on her mother's face (she also knows what that means; she doesn't deserve the façade her mother puts on in public. She's just another person her mother could care less about). "I'd ask how you are but I feel like the only response I'd get would be a sarcastic one," her mother says, taking a small scared sip of her tea. "Have you been in Lima all along? I haven't seen you around town at all since you le-" Her mother stops herself, leaves the last word unfinished because that's not what happened. She didn't leave, they made her get out.

She looks down at her lap. "Yeah, I've been here the whole time… I just live on the side of town you never go to."

Her mother bites at the corner of her lip before straightening her posture. "What's become of you?"

She takes another drink of her coffee, the burning in her throat subsiding. She runs a hand through her blonde hair (the hair that's the same color as the woman in front of her) and then sighs heavily. "Nothing you'd be proud of."

Judy nods and it's quiet again. "What happened to it?" Her mother never even knew it was a she.

"She's still with me…" It comes out quiet and almost ashamed. "Would you like to see a picture of her?" Judy looks around for a moment before nodding. Quinn rummages through the purse she's had for the past five years and grabs her wallet, pulling out one of the pictures from this past Halloween. She hands it to her mother and then checks the clock. It's a little before 11 and she starts to mentally make a timeline of what she should get accomplished before she has to pick up Caroline just so she doesn't have to focus on her mother.

"She looks just like you." Quinn takes her eyes off the clock and looks at her mother, smiling a little when she sees Judy's small smile. "Definitely didn't get the Fabray blonde hair though… Who's this in the picture with her?"

Quinn glances at the photo and then bites her lip. "That's, um… That's her dad." Her mother's eyebrow arches and Quinn lets out a shaky breath. "I told Finn that it was his so he wouldn't know that I cheated on him with Noah… with his best friend." Her mother sets the picture down on the wooden table. "Please," she starts quietly, blonde hair falling into her face. "I already know you hate me, please don't make me feel worse about _that_."

She jumps slightly when she feels her mother push her hair back. "I don't hate you Quinn," she whispers, hooking blonde hair behind a pierced ear. "You are my daughter and that means I could never _ever_ hate you." She tries so hard to keep the tears back. She knows how proper her mother is and breaking down in public is _not_ acceptable. But the salty liquid comes pouring down her cheeks rapidly, slender fingers working fast to wipe them away.

She notices her mother tense, hands pausing (she's always been torn, never sure if she wants to be a mother or a mom. She almost always falls short). "You _did_ hate me and I've carried that down to my daughter… And I know that I shouldn't and that it's not her fault I hate my life. I made the choice to keep her and therefore I chose the shitty life that came along with it. But Mom, it would have been _so much better_ if I had given her away. I wouldn't be in Lima and I wouldn't be working all the damn time to help support my family. And I wouldn't feel like a complete failure as a mom."

"Do not say that Quinn," her mother lectures, voice stern. "I'm sure you're a wonderful mother to…"

The sentence trails off and that makes her chest tighten to the point where it feels like it'll split open. "Caroline," she says quietly and her mother nods. "And I'm not. I barely know her and she prefers Noah over me… I'm her _mother_ not her _mom_ … I'm _you_."

It stings like an insult and her mother leans away, hand coming up to cover her mouth. They're enveloped in that uncomfortable silence again and Quinn uses the sleeve of her sweater to dry her wet face (her mother would have berated her for doing this when she was younger). "I should go. I have stuff I need to do." She shrugs on her coat, doesn't look or acknowledge her mother and it's not until she goes to pick up her now cold coffee that Judy reacts.

"Where are you going? Can I take you there?"

Her shoulders sag. "I'm fine walking. You don't have to pretend to care just because I broke down."

"That's not why I'm offering Quinn." She meets her mother's blue eyes sadly and sighs.

"I don't know where I'm going… I don't know what I'm doing anymore." Judy Fabray slides into her red pea coat, and then grabs her purse off the back of the wooden chair.

"Let me help you for once." She holds her hand out like Quinn was Caroline's age.

Quinn places her hand into her mother's with minimal hesitation, fingers curling around soft skin.

\--

Her mother buys her a lot of food. She wants to tell her that she's not sure they can eat it all before it expires (especially if Noah isn't gonna be around) and that this isn't what she wants (money doesn't equal forgiveness or love). But Judy looks at her helplessly and Quinn shuts her mouth. (It's not her mom's fault she didn't know how to be a mom [Grandma Aston, who she realizes now is probably dead, was even harsher than Judy].)

She directs Judy to the apartment, noticing how the older blonde locks the doors and drives extra cautiously once they leave the rich part of town. "It'd probably be best if you waited in the car." Her mother looks around the neighborhood and nods.

After three trips, Quinn finally gets everything in the house (it takes her 10 minutes to put everything away).

She slides back into her mother's car slightly winded, smiling briefly as she does so. "You really didn't have to do that," she says again and her mother just waves her hand.

"It's the least I can do." She starts the car and pulls back on the road. "Where to now?"

Quinn glances at her watch. "Caroline's getting out soon."

It's silent in between the directions she gives and she wonders for a brief moment when she exactly she became so uncomfortable around her mom (she knows it happened before she even had sex with Noah). She remembers as a child staying close to her mom but then somewhere down the line they stopped talking, they were pushed apart and never had a chance of recovery before she was pushed off a cliff.

"I don't understand," she says softly and her mother glances at her quickly, eyes going back on to the road.

"What?"

"You were my mom… At one point you were my mom… What changed?" Her mother stops at a red light and she notices the air escape her, body deflating against the leather seat.

She looks at Quinn and shakes her head. "I don't know," she answers sadly, and they stare at each other until a car pulls up behind them and honks.

The light is yellow and they barely make it through before it turns red.

"Do you wish you could change things," Quinn asks just after she tells her mother to pull into the next driveway, this being the easiest way to find parking.

"Of course I do, Quinn."

She shifts uncomfortably in her seat. "I used to think about what would've happened if you had let me back in… If you'd never kicked me out." She looks out the window as they park near the entrance of the school, pulling her blonde hair into a messy bun at the nape of her neck. "Most times I think I would've been happier." At this moment though, when she's lost and Rachel and Noah are gone, she knows she would've been. "I think Dad would've made a wonderful grandpa."

Judy looks down into her lap, silver and gold keys splayed in her palm. She bites her lip and lets out a ragged breath. "He took it worse."

Quinn arches an eyebrow. "Of course he did. I was his baby."

"He still prayed for you," her mother admits and Quinn's hand instinctively rises to her chest, fingers outlining the cross around her neck. Her mother watches. "That's not your cross."

Quinn shakes her head. "I threw that one away." She watches her mother's blue eyes go wide, the older woman swallowing visibly. "I didn't need prayers, Mom… I needed my parents. I stopped believing in God for a long time because of everything that's happened to me."

Judy closes her eyes when she feels the tears well up (she's not sure she ever wants to know everything that's happened. Quinn would never tell her if she asked anyway). "Where'd you get that one from," she asks, her voice shaky, eyes opening but no tears spilling out.

"I got it on my birthday from," she hesitates in her mind for a moment. She's already broken her mother's heart, she's not sure she can do it again, "Rachel."

The bell rings faintly outside the car and both women look over to the chain link fence, small children emerging from the building on to the blacktop. Quinn gets out first, her mother following a few steps behind her. It isn't till Quinn stops abruptly that Judy looks up from the ground.

There's the boy from the picture. "I'm surprised to see you here," Quinn says angrily and he rolls his eyes.

"I pick up Caroline; I wasn't going to flake on that."

She rolls her eyes. "You did yesterday."

"Yeah, because you were being a colossal," his eyes dart to the blonde behind her and he shuts his mouth. Judy arches an eyebrow and Noah looks back at Quinn. "What's going on?"

She steps toward him, hand put lightly on his chest as she lowers her voice. "Please don't say or do anything stupid," she whispers and he thinks about fucking her over (he loves her too much to do that though). "I ran into her at the store… we've been talking." He eyes her mother suspiciously and then looks back down at his blonde.

"I'm taking Caroline."

"No you're not," Quinn retorts, arms folding underneath her chest. "Not unless you're coming back home."

"I'm not coming back home until you can stop being so _selfish_ and think about the other people in this situation, Quinn," he bites and she sighs heavily.

"You're too much of a retard to realize that I'm thinking about _all_ of us," she says, walking around him and towards the last class to be released. She sees Caroline's smiling face and she lets out a breath.

She's going to be a better mom. She's starting now.

"You can't keep her from me," Noah threatens from behind her. She keeps walking away and towards her daughter and then he says it. "It's not like she'd choose you anyway."

She stops mid step, turning on her heel to face him. "Don't tempt me, Noah. I know I told you I would never keep her from you, but if you're going to be an asshole, I'll get Mr. Berry to help me. I'm sure he'd be more than eager."

"Daddy!" He takes his eyes off the mother of his child and places them on his daughter.

"Hey baby," he says, catching her when she runs up to him. She kisses his cheek and he smiles. "Did you have a fun day in school?" She nods animatedly and starts telling him about a story they read and one of the art projects they started.

He sees Quinn crumple out of the corner of his eyes. (He can't see her clearly but he's seen this look too many times over the years that he knows it by heart. The tip of her nose is red, as are the tips of her ears. Her teeth trap her bottom lip and her blonde hair somehow falls messily around her face. Her shoulders hunch and she hold her hands together awkwardly as she stares at them, eyes tearing up but she won't allow anything to slip over.) "That sounds awesome," he tells his daughter before giving her a kiss. "Look, I have to work like I did yesterday okay? So you're gonna have to go with Mom and I'll see you later." Caroline frowns.

"Are you going to be home tonight?"

"Probably not."

Her frown deepens. "Tomorrow?"

"I don't know girlie," he answers truthfully and Caroline nods her head.

"I miss you, Daddy."

He smiles. "I miss you too. But you gotta take care of Mom okay?"

"Okay." He walks up to Quinn as she tries to desperately put back on her HBIC look (she fails horribly). He passes Caroline to her and Caroline repeats the same story she just told Noah about school. She looks at her daughter and smiles, eyes darting to look at him as she mouths a thank you.

"Whatever," he mumbles. He just needs her to remember this moment (that despite everything, he's a good man and a good dad). He drops a kiss on Caroline's head before he locks eyes with Quinn. She puts a hand on his arm and she still looks like she's going to cry. He drops a kiss on to her lips. "I love you."

"I love you too," she says quietly and gives him a small smile. He just nods before he walks away.

\--

She finds her mother back at the gate, standing in the same spot with a confused look on her face. Quinn opens her mouth to explain (she doesn't even know how she planned on explaining) but Judy raises her hand. "I feel like I won't understand."

Quinn nods. "You probably wouldn't."

Maybe it was a conversation like this that separated the two before.

Quinn looks at Caroline who's looking at the blonde curiously. "Caroline, I want you to meet someone. This is my mom."

Caroline scrunches up her nose and looks between the two women. "Is she my grandma?"

Judy sends a questioning glance to Quinn, only to be met with no answers. "If you'd like me to be," the older woman responds with a small smile.

"I don't have any grandmas," Caroline answers with a sigh. "I have two grandpas though." She wiggles in her mother's arms before Quinn sets her down on the ground.

"You do, do you?" Judy looks up at Quinn whose eyes are focused on her daughter.

Caroline nods. "They're my Aunt Rachel's dads. They're really nice to me. They take me to the movies and to plays, and they get me ice cream." Judy bends down so that she's eye level with the girl. "And, you can't tell Momma this," she whispers, moving towards her grandmother, "but they said we could maybe go to Disney World for my birthday this year." Caroline looks back suspiciously at Quinn who just smiles. "They have to make sure it's okay with Momma first though."

Judy smiles a little wider. "That'd be a lot of fun huh?" Caroline nods eagerly. "When's you're birthday sweetheart?"

"April 11th."

Judy nods. "And you're going to be six?"

"Yep yep."

"You're small for your age."

Caroline nods, pushing her curly hair back. "It's 'cause I was early. Momma said that's why it's harder for me to grow and why I have to eat so many vegetables."

Judy cocks her head to the side. "Your mom was small too. Is she still eating her vegetables?"

Caroline spins around. "MOMMA! You don't eat your vegetables!"

Quinn rolls her eyes. "I'm big now though, I don't need to eat as many anymore. Besides, I eat the mashed potatoes your dad makes and that's a veggie."

Caroline turns back to Judy. "She only eats potatoes and carrots," she tattles and Judy laughs before standing back up.

"Would you two like to come over for dinner?" She glances at both girls. Caroline nods her head before stopping and looking back at her mom.

"What about…" Quinn starts and Judy shakes her head.

"He'd love to see the both of you, Quinn."

"Who," Caroline asks, hand slipping into the older woman's as they start to walk towards the car.

"Your other grandpa."

"I have another one?!" Judy nods. "Sweet!"

Sometimes Caroline is too much like Noah.

\--

When the walk into the house, it's almost exactly like she remembers it. It looks the same, save for a few more pictures (most of the ones of her are gone) but it feels different. She can't quite place it yet but for some reason it feels more like a home than it ever did when she lived there.

She tells Caroline to take off her shoes so that she doesn't get the carpet dirty, taking the backpack from the little girl. "We have a play room Caroline, would you like to see it?" Her daughter nods eagerly and Judy takes her by the hand, leading her down the hallway to the last door on the right. When Quinn lived here that was a storage room (old toys that she and her sister had grown out of, hidden Christmas presents, and all the extra toiletries her mom stocked up on). She follows behind them to find that the room has been cleared out (she thinks this is the first time she's seen the floor), the walls painted a soft yellow. There's a bunch of toys and stuff in the room, some of the objects clearly for a child that's a little younger.

Her eyebrows bunch together and she looks at her mom. "Your sister told us she was pregnant five months after you did…" Quinn nods and looks at the legos and racing cars in one corner of the room.

"A boy?" Judy nods. "Name?"

"Noah." Quinn laughs and Caroline turns around from the book shelf to look at them.

"That's Daddy's name!" Quinn smiles at her daughter and nods. She watches Caroline turn back to the books before she walks over to the movies, her mouth hanging open slightly. "There's a lot of movies here… Almost as many as Grandpa Berry."

"Would you like to watch one while your mom helps me with dinner?" Caroline nods eagerly.

\--

When they're cooking (Quinn's making a fruit salad while her mother starts chicken marinara), Judy updates Quinn on everything that's happened. Her sister had Noah and is pregnant with a little girl, due to arrive in four months. Grandma Aston died last winter (Quinn's shocked she lived that long) and Grandpa Fabray is still doing well ("He's on safari in Africa right now," Judy tells her, hands expertly chopping up the chicken breast).

She doesn't say what she and her father have been up to and Quinn imagines they haven't done much. Dad still works (he's not even home yet) and Mom clearly still spends her days shopping and cleaning, exactly as it was when she lived here. "So, I know this isn't my place," Judy says after a moment's lull in the conversation. "But Noah's never… He hasn't… He's never hit you right?"

She turns to look at her mother who looks worriedly down at the chicken. "What? Why would you think that?"

"I don't know exactly what's going on between you but what happened at the school… It just put me off."

"No, Noah would never hit me. He's a little gruff and I suppose I am too but he's not like that," Quinn answers, turning back to the dish in front of her. "We're just fighting… We've always had it a little rough but we've never fought like this." Her shoulders lump slightly, a breath escaping her lips. "This is the first time he's ever not come home."

"Have you been together since Caroline was born?"

She shrugs. "We never officially got together I guess. It just sort've happened. We were living with his mom and then we got our apartment when Caroline was one… We never did anything outside of working and taking care of Caroline." She shrugs again. "I don't know."

Judy nods (she doesn't want to figure this out anymore).

"He's a wonderful dad. He does a lot with Caroline… She's definitely a daddy's girl."

"That's always the part that hurts the most." Quinn looks at her mother. "She's just like you Quinn. You never favored me over your father."

Quinn shakes her head. "She's nothing like me… She's nothing like either of us and I'm not sure if I should proud or sad that she's a clean slate."

It's then that they hear the front door open and close. "Judy! I'm home," Russell yells tiredly and she imagines him setting down his brief case and hanging his jacket on the hooks.

Judy looks over at her and Quinn wipes her hands on the dish towel, tossing it on the counter when she's done. She walks to the doorway and takes a deep breath and closes her eyes for a split second. She lets out the breath, straightens her shirt out and then crosses the threshold.

She faces her father for the first time since she was 16 and it amazes her how much older he looks.

It amazes him how young she still looks. "Quinn?"

She tries to smile. "Hey Dad…" She shoves her hands into her jean pockets and looks down at the ground, her blonde hair falling from behind her shoulders before she looks back up.

She doesn't know what to say (he doesn't either). They stare at each other for another beat before Caroline peeks her head out of the play room. "Momma, something happened with the movie. Can you come fix it?"

Quinn glances back at her daughter and smiles (and also thanks God that the staircase is blocking her father). "Of course sweetheart." Caroline disappears again and Quinn takes one last look at her father before following her daughter.

She tries not to notice his curious look when Caroline's small voice echoed down the hall.

\--

When she fixes the movie, her dad isn't in the hallway. She peeks into the kitchen to find her mother checking on the chicken.

There's only one other place her father could be after coming home from work.

She walks upstairs to his office and knocks on the open door quietly. He looks up from the papers on his desk and stares at her blankly.

"If you don't want me here, you can tell me to leave and I will. You know that I will," she says with her head held high, hands crossed behind her back.

"I don't know if I want you here or not," he says and this is one of the few truths her father has ever told her.

She nods unnoticeably. "A lot of stuff has happened between us. I mean, you kicked me out at 16 when I was pregnant and I hated you for a long time after that. But I had to focus on other stuff, like my family and work, and I realized that it was too much work to keep hating you, especially when I knew it wouldn't change a thing." She pauses for a second and leans into the doorway. "My life has been really good as of late, even though it's been turned upside down in some of the most wonderful ways. And running into Mom today was weird. Talking to her was weird and awkward, but I realized that instead of hating you guys, I just missed you. We weren't perfect but you're my parents. And I know it won't be the same as it was before, and I'm not Daddy's little girl anymore, but I'm willing to try this if you are."

Her dad doesn't say a word, just looks back down at his desk.

Her dad's let her down once again.

She turns to walk back downstairs when he asks, "What's her name?"

Her back's still to him when she says, "Caroline." He clears his throat and she glances over her shoulder at him. He waves her back into the room and she stands in front of the large wooden desk awkwardly.

"She ever been to a baseball game?"

Quinn shakes her head. "Noah's always wanted to take her to one but we've never had the time or money."

Her father nods and stands up from behind the desk, walking around it and standing in front of his daughter. He pushes her hair behind her ears before letting his hands drop back down to his sides. "I'm sorry."

(That's all she needed to hear.)

She hugs him and tries not to cry when he wraps his arms around her.

\--

The next morning while they're eating breakfast, Caroline won't stop talking about her parents. Quinn smiles at her tiredly before telling her to hurry up because they're starting to run late.

\--

She tells Mr. Berry that she has to leave early again today because she has to pick up Caroline. He looks at her sadly and nods.

He knows something and she feels more embarrassed than she thought she would. At least before their dirty secrets belonged to just them, not the whole damn world.

Right before noon, Rachel calls her. "I know you haven't been speaking to Noah," she says quietly and Quinn pauses for a moment to figure out if the girl is crying, "and because of that you've been missing work to pick up Caroline. So, if it's okay with you, I'll pick her up so you can work all of today. You can pick her up on your way home from work and I'll make sure she's fed and that her homework's done."

Quinn bites her lip and glances at the empty desk across from her (Rachel hasn't been in at all this week). "Thank you," she answers and for a second she thinks that Rachel's going to say something more.

She hears the dial tone next.

\--

She comes home with Mr. Berry because apparently, Rachel didn't know that Noah had taken the car. He invites her to stay for dinner and when Rachel appears at the top of the stairs with a smiling Caroline beside her, she doesn't know what to say.

Rachel gives her a small smile and Quinn accepts.

(The frown Mr. Berry gives Rachel doesn't go unnoticed.)

Caroline bounds down the stairs and into the kitchen with Mr. Berry and Quinn meets Rachel at the top. They go into her room and lock the door.

They don't say a word before or after Rachel's hand tangles with blonde hair and Quinn's lips meet hers roughly.

She thinks it would've gone further if she had it in her to look at Rachel topless (when her hands start to graze the hem of her shirt, she feels the tight skin underneath and she has to pull away).

Rachel rests her forehead on Quinn's and wills herself to not start crying (again).

Quinn gives her one last kiss before going down stairs and telling Mr. Berry that they can't stay for dinner after all.

\--

When they get home, Quinn cooks dinner for two. She's not sure she remembers the last time she did this (she thinks that this may be the first time).

Caroline is going on and on about her grandparents again ("I have so many now Momma!") and Quinn's glad that her daughter's so happy (makes her feel less shitty).

She pauses for a moment and wonders what this would be like with another child. With Noah and Rachel around the table too, with another baby that looks like them.

She thinks it could be nice (better than just the two of them). She shakes her head because she can't think with anything but her head right now.

"Momma, I miss Daddy."

She frowns. "I know sweetheart. I miss him too."

Caroline takes a bite of her mac and cheese. "I miss Aunt Rachel too. She doesn't come over a lot anymore."

"You can call Aunt Rachel if you want… When you miss her you can just tell me and we'll call her okay?" Caroline smiles and nods. "And as for Daddy… he'll be home soon okay?" This is one of the many times she wishes they'd invest in a cheap cell-phone plan despite the fact that they can't afford it.

Caroline nods again before switching the topic back to Grandma and Grandpa Fabray.

\--

After she puts Caroline to bed, she curls up in the middle of the bed that now seems too big without the two other people in it. She misses their warmth and their touch, and hell, she just misses them.

She cries without even realizing it.


	7. Chapter 7

He goes over to her house after work the next day.

She's lying on her bed with the curtains closed. It's almost pitch black in the room even though it's noon.

"Rachel?" He wishes he didn't sound so pissed off still.

"Please Noah," she says quietly, voice breaking slightly. "Just let me sleep. I can't take you yelling right now."

He kicks off his shoes and takes off his jacket before climbing in bed next to her. He kisses the back of her neck, arm wrapping around her waist so that he's flush against her. His hand palms her still flat stomach and she starts crying harder.

She wants to push him away but god, she needs him. She needs to feel like she didn't fuck everything up and that the baby growing inside her shouldn't be thought of as a parasite. "Don't listen to Quinn," he says, voice gruff and loud in the silent room. "She doesn't know shit okay? I _love_ you and you do _not_ have to fucking do that."

Her hand makes its way down and rests on top of his, fingernails digging into the skin right above his knuckles. "I have to," she whispers, hiccupping as salty tears continue to fall from her eyes, pooling on the pillowcase below her.

He rolls her on to her back, moving himself so that he towers over her. "You don't have to do shit. If you want this baby then do it. I'll be with you every step of the way." He can barely see her eyes in the dark room but he can feel it in his bones that she doesn't believe him. "I'm not fucking kidding okay? You can have our baby and it's going to be beautiful and everything is going to be _okay_."

She cries even harder because she knows its bullshit but she's so very close to believing him.

She places her hands on his cheeks, bringing his face down and capturing his lips as she cants her hips up. He pulls away, needing to talk to her more about this because she's crying and he has no doubt that Quinn is probably crying and _fuck_ this is all just so messed up right now. He wants to make this better and he wants to know where her head is but she shakes her head as one hand travels underneath the waist band of his jeans. "Please don't talk right now. Just give me this okay?" He stares at her for a moment, eyes trailing the still wet tear marks down her cheeks. (Why does he _always_ seem to make his girls cry?)

"We're gonna be okay, Rachel…" He pushes down his pants and strips her from the waist down. "It's gonna be okay baby." He thrusts into her and she starts crying even harder.

* * *

He blinks tiredly in the dark room, blindly groping for the brunette who fell asleep next to him. The sheets are crumpled and cold next to him and he sees her standing at the window. "What's up," he asks tiredly and she doesn't turn towards him.

"My dad wanted to talk to me… He's disappointed."

"Did you tell him?"

She rolls her eyes even though he can't see them clearly. "Of course not." She stays focused on the window, sniffling a little as she pulls her sweater tighter around her, hands carefully avoiding her stomach.

In everything that's happened, he realizes that he doesn't even know how she feels about all this. He knows that she's upset that she feels like she's fucked everything up (god, he would give anything to make sure she didn't feel that way… Honestly, the fact that Quinn has made Rachel feel like that makes him want to punch the blonde) but she's stayed silent when it comes to the life growing inside her. Instead, he and Quinn have been the vocal ones about the baby. "Do you want to keep it?" He asks her as he sits up in the bed, blankets falling in a pool at his waist. She's still looking out the window at the empty street below and he watches as she rolls her shoulders back.

"No." She pulls the curtains back a little further and he has no idea what she's looking at but she gets a small smile on her face (it's the first one he's seen in days) before she turns to him. "I _need_ to."

She looks back out the window and fuck, if that isn't the one thing he's wanted to hear. Quinn didn't want Caroline, didn't _need_ her. Quinn had been content to give their little girl away.

Rachel wanting his ( _their_ ) kid? It makes him want to make Quinn see his way ten times more.

"I don't want you to do it." She drops the curtain from her hand and turns towards him fully, hands settling underneath her chest as she arches an eyebrow (she looks so much like Quinn here it thrills and scares him at the same time). "I don't want you to abort or give it away. I want you to keep needing it." She frowns and walks over to the bed, crawling across the mattress until she can curl into him, bodies pressed together save for her stomach that he notices she doesn't want him to touch anymore.

"You're a good man, Noah Puckerman. It's a shame that won't do you much good in this world." She pats his stomach, resting her head on his shoulder. "In your perfect world, what would you do? How would you make it okay?"

He tightens his grip around her shoulders, aching to reach and touch her stomach but resisting since she's uncomfortable with it. "In my perfect world, nobody would think what we have isn't natural. That way every one of us would be okay and happy with what's happened."

"You know that'll never happen though," she states obviously and he nods. She's 100% right. Even polygamists don't have what they have. They aren't even accepted in _Utah_.

"But it'd be nice wouldn't it? Going out together and _not_ getting disgusted or confused looks when I kiss the both of you?"

He looks down at her, brown locks blocking most of the small smile that she wears. "Yeah… Yeah it would be." Her fingers fan out and sink into his shirt, his skin, creating all kinds of delicious pain with her nails. "You and Quinn will be okay right?" She flexes her hand like a cat again, her legs mixing with his. "Even if this is ruined, you two have to be okay…"

He moves his arms to her waist, thumbs ghosting the edges of the small pudge forming in her midsection as he pulls her onto his lap. She straddles him and he finally gets a good look at her sad face. "Quinn and I always make it through." With all the complete and utter shit they've been through, this is barely considered a speed bump. "We'll _all_ be okay Rach… Everything'll work out. I promise."

"Silly boy," she mumbles and he wants to dispute her words but let's face it, he isn't the smartest guy in the world. She leans down and captures his lips carefully, moving his hands to cover the slight swell of her stomach.

* * *

After he leaves Rachel's, he stops at a 7-11 to fill up the car and grab something to eat since he hasn't eaten since yesterday. This turns out to be just another shitty thing for him to do without realizing it.

He doesn't notice him right away, just thinks it's some creepy homeless guy trying to swindle a case of beer out of the store. But then the man straightens up and clears his throat and its then that Noah sees the strong jaw and the nose that match his own. "Dad?" The older man looks up and locks eyes with Noah, revealing a crooked smile.

He hasn't seen his dad in two years. Ironically, he ran into his dad at the store then too. He had gone back home with his arms full of groceries and a smile on his face because his dad wasn't a shit head and didn't reek of booze. He moved around Quinn in the kitchen and told her the story before announcing that he invited him over for dinner the next day.

She stopped stirring the mac and cheese, hands finding their way to her hips. "Excuse me?" He stayed quiet, just like Caroline (because even at three she knew to let Quinn finish first), crossing his arms across his chest. "You hate your father, I'm _tired_ after working which means I don't want to 'entertain', and we barely have enough food for the three of us. Why on _earth_ would you invite him here?"

"If your dad said 'I'm sorry' to you tomorrow, wouldn't you try to see him again?"

Her hazel eyes narrowed. "Well I wouldn't invite him _here_ and not at the end of the month when we're broke." He grinned because in Quinn's language, that meant he won.

It started out good enough. His dad had showed them pictures of the family he left Noah for, pointing out brothers and sisters Noah didn't even realize existed. But then he ate the bulk of the dinner Quinn had hastily made after work, drank four beers and started shouting when he talked (something that had caused Caroline to burrow in Quinn's lap before retreating to her room).

It wasn't perfect, not by far, but his dad was there and he was _trying_ and that's all Noah's ever wanted since his old man left.

But then Noah excused himself to go to the bathroom and when he came out Quinn was shoving his dad out of the front door. "Hey!" He grabbed her by the elbow, spun her around only for her fist to collide with his jaw.

"I don't want that _dick_ in _my_ apartment ever again!" He looked between his pissed off sort of girlfriend and his dad, who he realized now was clutching his bleeding hand, confused, before the blonde slammed the door and dead bolted it.

"What the fuck, Quinn?"

"Your dad slipped his hand between my thighs while I was washing some dishes so I stabbed him with a steak knife," she growled before walking into their room and slamming the door.

He had caught his dad as he was climbing into his truck downstairs and gave him a matching black eye before he drove off.

So when his dad limps over to him, Noah takes a step back because he really does _not_ need this right now. "What're you afraid of Noah? You're the one who hit me last time 'member?" His dad laughs and then turns his attention back to the refrigerated aisle. "You still with the blonde," he asks, sly grin forming on his face that makes Noah want to punch him again.

"You still with your family?"

His dad laughs, shaking his head as he opens the cold glass door. "Nah. Knocked someone else up last year and the wife kicked me out." Noah swallows hard, hands tightening around his bag of funyuns as his dad pulls out a six pack. "You look nervous boy. Waiting for the blonde to do that to you?" He arches an eyebrow, shit-eating grin still on his face.

"You don't know anything about me or Quinn," he spits back and his dad just shakes his head.

"I may not know you but I know that look on your face." His dad walks over and puts his hand on Noah's shoulder, only for his son to shove it off. He raises his hands as if he means no harm, six pack placed halfhazardly under his arm. "I'm just sayin' son. You've always been too much like me. We look almost identical 'cept for your mom's brown hair and you always got into as much trouble as me. It was only a matter of time before you knocked up someone who wasn't your girl." The older man walks past him to the counter and Noah tries to block out what his dad just said.

(Apparently both of his parents have never had higher hopes of him being anything more than a douche-bag Lima Loser like his father.)

* * *

He hates to admit it, but he's crawled his way into a bar and has already downed five shots of Jack and is now nursing a beer. He's tired and after his talk with Rachel and the run in with his dad, he feels like he deserves everything he's pouring down his throat. He sighs and runs a hand over his scruffy face before glancing over at the clock. He probably won't make it to pick up Caroline today (he's a stupid man but not stupid enough to go pick up his daughter with a bunch of booze running through his veins) and he figures he'll call Quinn to tell her when he feels a little less like shit.

He knows that he's not a great father. Hell, it takes everything he has to just be a _good_ father most days (other days he knows, he falls a little more than short). Yeah, he picks her up everyday from school and they laugh and his baby girl talks to him (sometimes a little _too_ much for his liking), and she trusts him to make her sandwiches just right. But fuck, he still remembers the one time he screamed at (and, _fuck_ , he hates to admit this because it's one of the biggest things he regrets and it still haunts him to this day, tightly squeezed her pale arms) his two year old daughter to shut the fuck up when she kicked and cried for five minutes after he told her that they couldn't go to the park. He tries to rationalize a lot of the shit he's done (in that moment, he had just been _so_ tired. He hadn't been to sleep in three days because he was either at work or watching Caroline) but at the end of the day, it's no excuse. He should've never grabbed his daughter like that, should've never screamed at her, should've never ducked out of the house with Quinn that one time they were playing hide and seek with their daughter.

If he had a choice, it wouldn't be like this. Caroline wouldn't have two parents who try _really_ hard to give her a good, stable life but fight behind their closed bedroom doors. Wouldn't have a dad who can never seem to get it right and a mom who always hit's the mark but never really feels like she's there. Frankly, it reminds him a lot of what he remembers from when his dad was still around.

He can still remember hiding out in Jenna's room, back when she upgraded to a toddler bed like the kind Caroline has now, and sitting with her in the closet as their mom screamed how much of a stupid drunk their dad was and how better off they'd be if he left (when he thinks back to her saying this, it makes him laugh). His dad would always scream back that she trapped him here, followed by the sound of something breaking in the kitchen (he would never know who threw the bottle at who). He can also remember when he'd be trying to sleep and he'd hear his parents having sex through the paper thin walls because they thought he and Jenna were asleep. Jenna probably couldn't hear it and even if she did, she was only 4 so she wouldn't have known what it was anyway. But he was 10 and he can still remember his dad grunting and his mom moaning and, the part he always remember the most vividly, is when they'd say 'I love you' just before they fell silent for the rest of the night. For a long time, that's the part that always made him have some sort of fucking hope in his parents. That they'd finally work their shit out and, once his dad left, it's what made him hope his dad would come back. That they could be their little make shift, kinda shitty but _there_ , family again.

Him and Quinn? They've been through a lot. Not exactly what his parents went through, but enough to make them both realize their lives have been one big permanent mess since the first night they had sex. There have been times where they were almost evicted (Quinn doesn't know this, but when they were three months behind on rent and two days away from being locked out, he fucked the landlady just to keep a roof over their head). There were times where he's come home to find the house filled with food when just that morning it had been bare (Quinn always told him not to ask but he would find the lingerie she bought with his 'bonus' in the laundry underneath her uniform). There have been times where they've had screaming matches in front of Caroline, both of them blaming them for trapping them here (Noah blames her specifically for tying him down and sucking the life out of him while Quinn blames him for making her a Lima-loser and absolutely ruining every aspect of her life).

And yeah, they've fought (not just petty fights but _fights_ ), more than a handful of times (honestly, Quinn's slapped him more times than he can count). After all, they butt heads almost everyday and with circumstances like theirs (poor teenage parents who live just before the Lima crack district), it's amazing they haven't killed each other. Quinn used to always tell him he's an asshole whose good intentions always seem to fall a little short. But through everything, they've always managed to get by without feeling like they haven't officially fucked everything up beyond repair. The most they've ever been able to do is just _manage_.

And with Rachel, he finally feels like they've moved past just managing. That he and Quinn and this shitty little family they've been building (and wrecking and building) for the past five years is finally working. They're _happy_ and he can't honestly remember when the last time they were happy for longer than on hour. So this? Rachel being pregnant and Quinn completely spazzing over it should be a piece of cake. And really, this should be simple. It doesn't have to involve any of the bullshit he and Quinn have already been through. Ever since Rachel came into their lives, everything had been _really_ good. This could be a new beginning for them. A clean slate.

It can only go up for them right?

* * *

His mom gives him a lot of shit when he shows up on her porch. She bitches during dinner about how she always hated Quinn and that he should've left her a long time ago. She bitches after dinner, when Jenna is trying to watch Dancing with the Stars, about how she doesn't even know her only grandchild and it's that 'gentile whore's fault' that she doesn't. She bitches when she grabs him blankets for him, Jenna sighing tiredly and kissing his cheek before she goes upstairs to escape another half hour of their mother complaining about how he's left them to fend for themselves when he said he'd always be there to help them ("You're just like your stupid father," he hears her mutter and her breath just before she goes upstairs for the night).

Still, with the nonstop complaining, he still has a place to sleep and so he just listens to her, nodding occasionally and rolling his eyes when only Jenna is looking at him. When she finally leaves him alone, he figured he'd fall asleep instantly and sleep till noon tomorrow (it's his one day off and he's been _so_ tired). But instead, he just lies on his back, trying to shake this picture that popped into his head when he was still in Rachel's bed.

He can see their future perfectly. Not the immediate future, but the place where they'll end up.

They'll be living in a better neighborhood, all five of them together, probably in a duplex (because he's not completely delusional. He knows they don't have enough money for a house) with a tree out front (not a big one but not a bitch one either), and a garden in the back. It'll be a tight fit but they'll manage for the time being, just like they've always done. In the summer Caroline will run through the sprinklers while he barbecues. Rachel will walk out hand in hand with Quinn, their son on her hip. And they'll be smiling and he'll smirk because it all worked out. It won't matter that they're in one big relationship or that each woman has given him a child because they love each other and that's enough.

He rolls over on the small couch, kicking frustratedly at the throw blanket his mom gave him. He stares blankly at the ceiling for a while, fingers drumming on his stomach as he keeps thinking about how beautiful their future could be.

Before he realizes it, he has the portable phone against his ear, the dull ringing the only muted sound in the room. "Hello!" She sounds groggy but angry enough for him to feel bad about calling so late.

"Hey…" He hears her shifting on the other end, probably taking the phone back into their small, mostly empty room.

"It's late and I have to be up early," she says and he imagines her in the middle of the bed, the spot that became hers when Rachel became a permanent fixture on the right.

(That's how it always is. The two brunettes on either side, the blonde sandwiched between them.)

"I know," he responds softly, lying back down on the couch, his body aching to be next to her; to wrap his arms around her and mold himself to her back. "I miss you." She stays quiet on the other end before he hears her sniff and then a sharp intake of breath. "Don't cry, Quinn… Please don't."

"Shut up Noah. If you miss me then **come** _home_."

He lets out a heavy sigh, running his hand over his head (his hair's grown back in, not a lot, but enough for him to want to find some clippers). "Say it'll be okay."

"It won't. What we're doing… Kids should _not_ be mixed into this equation. Caroline shouldn't even be in the middle of this." She's crying a little harder now and fuck, he wishes that she's stop.

"Caroline is fine… She's happy and we're happy and isn't that what matters?"

" _God_ , could you for once in your fucking life think realistically?" He's learned over the years that when it comes to Quinn, most of what he's been taught (as long as you're happy nothing else matters, most food is good a few days after the expiration date, Die Hard is one of the best movies of all time) is wrong. "Do you realize where we live? We live in Lima. They don't like gay people, let alone one big polyamorous relationship!"

"I don't understand why it matters what they think. Please, give me one good reason why this isn't okay."

She lets out an aggravated groan and he imagines her pulling at her golden hair angrily. "It matters because our daughter has to go out into this city Noah. They can call the three of us whatever they fucking like, but I will **not** let them torment my daughter or that baby in Rachel's belly. What we have should not reflect them in anyway but it will and I can't have that."

He blinks twice, processing what his girlfriend has just told him. He gets it, he does, but now it sounds like she's ready to toss Rachel to the side completely (and as much as he loves Quinn, he doesn't think he can do that). "Do you love her?"

"Don't be stupid, of course I do." Her response is instant and that's enough to make him sigh silently in relief.

"So why can't she bring her own child into this? Why can we have this relationship with Caroline but she can't do the same with my baby?"

"You don't see it Noah…"

"What don't I see Quinn? What is the big fucking issue with this?" He's starting to get angry now and he has to remind himself that his mom and sister are sleeping upstairs.

"This can't work forever. Eventually you'll leave one of us and there is no doubt in my mind that it'll be me."

"That's such fucking bullshit Quinn and you know it." He's told her _so_ many times that he'd never leave her or Caroline; that if he wanted to he would've left already. But then he remembers that deep down Quinn is still the insecure girl she was in high school and he sighs heavily. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere without either of you."

"You're already gone Noah."

"This is a _fight_ Quinn. I know we haven't had any like this before but this is _not_ what's going to break us."

She's quiet again and if he listens closely, he can hear someone else in the room. "I have to go. I have to get up early."

He hears the voice again, this time Quinn's following in a hushed tone. "Let me talk to her."

"She has school in the morning. Goodbye." He hears Caroline let out a sharp cry and then Quinn sighs. The bed squeaks and there's a muffled sound right before he hears his daughter.

"Hi Daddy." Her voice holds left over tears and sleep but he can tell she's most likely smiling.

"Hey baby girl. Did we wake you up?"

"A little. Are you gonna pick me up from school tomorrow?"

"I don't know. That's up to your mom."

She doesn't say anything but he knows that she's just nodded (she tends to forget that people can't see her on the phone). "Daddy, did you know that I have more grandparents? I have a grandma and everything! She was really nice but I'm not sure about Grandpa Fabray… I think I still like Grandpa Berry and Papa Berry more."

He laughs softly. "Is it because they spoil you rotten?"

"It helps." This time when he laughs, he hears Quinn laugh too (he's missed that sound). "Grandpa Fabray is different though… He didn't even hug me goodbye!"

"Yeah, well Grandpa Fabray isn't really a hugger… Look, it's really late sweetheart. Go back to bed and I'll talk to your mom about picking you up tomorrow okay? I love you."

"I love you too Daddy." The phone gets passed around and he can hear Quinn tell Caroline to go lay back down.

"I'll be there in a second." She falls silent and he can hear the distant noise that sounds like the door closing. "Only our daughter would say something like that," she says lightly.

"You know she picked it up from Rachel." He swallows thickly before asking "Will you let me pick her up tomorrow?"

"Have her home by six and make sure her homework is done."

"This isn't the first time I've spent a day with my daughter Quinn."

"I know, I'm just reminding you. And I don't want you taking her to your mother's."

"You can take her to your fucking father's house but I can't take her to see my mom?" He sits back up quickly, his face heating up. "I seem to recall your dad being a grade A _dick_. I don't want Caroline being around _him_."

"Noah," she groans. "Can we stop fighting about everything? I'm tired of it."

He sighs; it's the truth. Even if they aren't fighting about Rachel, their fighting about Caroline or something else. It's never easy for them (never has been) and up until Rachel came back to Lima, their lives were one long string of fights over money, work, food. He finally sees where Quinn is coming from. Why would he stay with Quinn when all they do is bicker? Why not run off with Rachel and their baby and live happily ever after?

(His happily ever after includes _all_ of his girls though.)

"G'night, Quinn. I love you."

"Love you too…"

He listens to the dial tone for five minutes.

* * *

He stays away from the Berry household now, partly because Rachel's dads hate him even more now (and they don't even know he's knocked her up) and partly because he doesn't really know what more to say to the brunette. He's told her what he wants her to do, he's let her know how he feels no matter what, and he can't do much else past that.

He stills sees her everyday, though they either stay quiet for the most part or focus on everything but this messed up relationship. Today, they plan on meeting up at the park on 5th after he picks up Caroline and after she goes to the doctor (he doesn't want to ask).

Caroline starts talking a mile a minute as soon as she sees him. This would normally piss him off because he's overly tired now but he hasn't seen his daughter in a few days and its crazy how much he's missed her. It's weird, learning everything secondhand now. "And Momma made mac and cheese last night AND it was shaped like Toy Story!" He smiles and tells her that's cool before taking her oversized backpack from her.

When they get to the park, Caroline spots Rachel first (she always finds her first), immediately releasing her father's hands in order to run up the brunette. "Hey baby girl," Rachel exclaims with a half fake smile on her face. "How was school?" Caroline launches into the exact same rant she told him on the way here. Rachel nods enthusiastically, adding in commentary here and there, her smile getting a little sadder when Caroline talks about her mom.

This is why he wants them to do this. Rachel doesn't have much for herself and has been lonely for so long that she deserves this. And above that, she clearly wants to be a mother. She's good at it and she enjoys it. She's everything he and Quinn never were.

He slumps down next to his girlfriend when Caroline runs off to the swings. "Keep your hat on!" Caroline grumbles but pushes her pink beanie back on before jumping on to the swing. "Quinn'll kill me if I taker her home sick."

"She's a small girl… Getting sick is a genuine danger to her," Rachel responds, her hand finding his. "I only have a few more days left."

"You deserve this Rach…" She's taking long and labored breaths and he can tell that all she really wants to do is cry.

"But…" She stops and her face contorts and she looks so pissed off. "I don't know what to do and I just… It makes me so mad that there isn't a clear cut answer and that no matter how many pro-con lists I make, I can't come up with an answer!" He squeezes her hand and she reclines on the bench, eyes closed tight. "I just don't want to upset anyone."

"Quinn'll come around. She'll see that this can be a good thing."

"Oh, Noah." She turns her head and opens her eyes. "You and I both know she won't she's too much like her parents."

He shakes his head. "Not about stuff like this. I'll talk to her if you're serious about doing this." She shrugs and leans into his shoulder.

"I just want everything to work out."

He looks at Caroline, makes sure she's distracted on the playground and then drops a kiss on to her lips. "It will. I promise."

He seems to be making this promise a lot and for once in his life, he really wishes he'll keep this promise.


	8. Chapter 8

"Rachel?" Her eyes flutter open, the curtains parted enough to let light dance into the room. She groans slightly, pulling her blanket tighter around her and pushing herself further into Noah's body.

"Rachel."

Her eyes open again, focusing on the body in front of her. She's awake as soon as she realizes she's looking at her father's face. "Get dressed and meet me in the kitchen. _Now_." She nods slowly and once she hears her door shut, she creeps into the bathroom to throw up.

* * *

John Berry sits at the head of the table, half a bagel and a cup of coffee in front of him. His hands are folded in his lap and he's staring straight ahead, not acknowledging his daughter until she sits at the other end of the glass table.

"So Quinn had to leave work early today," he says evenly, taking a sip of his black coffee.

Rachel stares at the untouched bagel.

"Do you know why she had to leave early?" She shakes her head. "She had to pick Caroline up from school because Noah has the flu." Rachel drops her gaze to her hands. "So would you mind explaining to me what he's doing in your bed at this very moment?"

She stays silent, squeezing her hands into fists, knuckles turning white and nails creating crescents in the palm of her hand.

"Are you going to answer me Rachel?"

"No," she whispers, gaze remaining steadfast on her lap.

He sighs heavily, fingers rubbing his brow tiredly. "I defended the both of you to your dad. You're a good girl and he's a good boy. And I told your dad that people make mistakes. That what you two did, are doing, doesn't change the fact that we love you. But it's going too far now, Rachel. Whatever it is you're doing is starting to directly affect his family. Before, at the very least, he still kept up his responsibilities to Quinn and Caroline. But now he's pretending to be sick so Quinn has to take off work while you _fuck_ him?"

"You don't know the whole story Dad," she tries quietly, and even though she's not looking at him, she knows he's crossing his arms over his chest, eyes narrowing.

"Do you care to explain it then? Is there some grand piece of information that your father and I are missing? And please, spare me the humor. I don't want to hear you say you love him."

"It's complicated," she mutters.

"And I'm giving you a chance to explain yourself."

"You wouldn't understand, Dad. Please just leave it alone."

"I like to think that your dad and I are very understanding people. Try me," he responds and the only thing she can think to do is get up.

She slowly pushes back her chair and stands up, tucking her hair behind her ears.

"Rachel?"

She slowly turns to look at him, eyes closed for a moment before looking at her father for the first time since she came downstairs. "I know you don't want to hear what I have to say and half of what I can say I don't think you'll understand at all. It's not something simple. So unless you want to berate me some more, I think we're done."

"Rachel," he tries, voice still hard but she shakes her head and walks away.

* * *

Part of her feels like curling back up on the bed with Noah and falling back asleep but she doesn't think her mind (or her stomach for that matter) will allow that to happen. She sneaks her hand under the fabric of her sweater to rub her tummy, even though she has been trying to avoid touching because she doesn't want to get attached. There's nothing visible yet but she knows there's something under there and it kind of wigs her out.

She walks over to the window and sits down on the bench in front of it, pulling back the curtain just enough so she can see outside without waking the boy in her bed. There's a thin layer of snow outside and the sun is hidden behind a sea of dark gray clouds. She has half a mind to glare at it because weather like this always puts her in a bad mood but she has been feeling this way for a while now anyway. The weather just so happens to be matching now and she sighs tiredly as she relaxes into her spot.

Her dad was so upset and, frankly, it kind of kills her that she can't tell her dad what's really going on between her, Noah and Quinn. She knows that she already let them down by moving back here. She didn't finish school, she couldn't support herself, and it's because of her parents that she has a roof over her head and a job now. She's still a pretty good kid though, nothing to be ashamed of (she's free of a drug habit and she hasn't experienced a day where she seems like someone out of an SVU episode), and she's incredibly thankful that her dads do care enough to let her come back. But from what they know of the situation, she looks like a horrible person, nothing at all like the girl they raised (even if their girl was known for stealing boys in high school). They raised a good girl and even though they'd never say it to her face, they probably think she's a whore. She's a home wrecker who they tolerate because she's their daughter. In actuality, they'd sooner support Quinn wholeheartedly in this situation.

She releases another sigh, running a hand through her knotted hair. She is a home wrecker. Maybe not how her fathers think she is, but this pregnancy has strained Quinn and Noah's relationship and therefore created an unstable environment for Caroline. Rachel knows that before she came back into their lives, they didn't have a great relationship (hell, they didn't have a _good_ relationship). It was forged out of convenience more than actual feelings but Rachel doesn't doubt that if their situation had been better, Noah would still be with Quinn. All the fucked up things Rachel knows from the last five years were done because the young couple cared about each other. She knows there were fights, some of which neither of them will tell her about (they just look at one another before distracting her in some way), and a bunch of other shitty things but they still went through them together. They both had plenty of chances to leave. Neither of them had to come back to that little hole in the wall they call home, but they did, and that's how Rachel knew they loved each other. And then she came along and, while she really believes they were happy for the short time they were together, she has created such a divide between the two that for the first time since Caroline was born, Noah didn't go home.

She can only imagine how Quinn's feeling right now. Rachel was used to being alone. She didn't like it, in fact she hated being by herself, but she had dealt with it for years. She didn't have very many friends growing up and she spent her years in New York alone. Loneliness is like an old friend for her. Quinn hasn't been alone or without Noah in five years.

She knew this pregnancy was going to ruin everything and it's actually making her feel worse than expected. Not only is her body feeling horrible because of it but it's affecting everyone in her life. She's letting down people who care about her and for what? Before this happened, she hadn't really thought of kids. She liked them enough and Caroline is an absolute sweetheart but they were never really in her plans. When she left Lima, she left to go be on stage and her acting career had no room for babies. Having any of her own kids was never something she thought about. And when she thinks about how happy they'd all been before this, she really just wants that back. She doesn't want Quinn to be upset with them, she doesn't want Caroline to be without her father, and she doesn't want her fathers to be even more disappointed in her.

She doesn't have to have this baby. She's still young and there will be plenty of time in the future if she really wanted them. Besides, for now, being Aunt Rachel to Caroline is enough for her. She should've just gotten rid of it the day after she took the test. It would've saved them from all this mess. She just got too caught up in the idea at first. Quinn was right. None of them were in a stable place right now. Rachel is still completely reliant on her parents at 21 and getting an abortion makes the most sense.

It'll probably hurt Noah but he'll realize that this is what's best. Maybe, when they're all in a better place, they can talk about kids. But for now, things are much better off without another child added to the situation.

She starts rubbing her stomach again when she feels it starting to churn once more, leaning her head against the cold glass. The sun's starting to peek out from behind the clouds again just as she notices Mrs. Brooks jogging down the sidewalk. She and her husband moved into the house on the corner Rachel's senior year. She doesn't know them very well and as far as Rachel knows, her fathers aren't very close to the family. But they do go to all the neighborhood functions and seem like a really nice couple. One thing that Rachel does know is that the couple wanted kids but, for whatever reason, it wasn't happening. She can actually remember her daddy telling her about when Mrs. Brooks announced she was pregnant with the little boy she's pushing in the stroller now. Her fathers had been beyond happy for them, even if they weren't close. She finds herself smiling a little bit, her grin widening when she notices that Mrs. Brooks appears to be pregnant again. The older woman looks so happy and content with her life that Rachel wishes she had that feeling.

She has felt like a complete mess since she came back. She had had her head in the clouds when she left for New York. She was just a girl from Ohio and her voice had been polished by vocal coaches who had no known clients under their belts. Broadway shouldn't have felt so in reach.

That isn't to say she hasn't had wonderful moments while she's been here. The moments she has shared with the Fabray-Puckerman family have been her highlights. They completely charmed her without even trying and they both still had so much faith in her even though she had come home empty handed. She loves them but she knows they're even more fucked up than she is. While she's wallowing in her own little puddle of depression, they have far bigger things to worry about, like bills, their child, and figuring out where the two of them stand now that Rachel has made them realize that they're together. And now Rachel's left trying to figure out how she fits in their lives while trying to reclaim the independence she had when she was drowning in New York.

So having - _wanting_ \- this baby is stupid. Babies don't fix things and she won't feel content or put back together if she had one. If anything, this'll just make her feel even more lost. And she's selfish. Rachel knows she is. She doesn't think she can give up what little she does have to take care of a child.

But damn it if she isn't thinking about what it'd be like to have a baby with Quinn and Noah.

She watches as Mrs. Brooks stops short in front of her house, her smiling face replaced by a worried frown. Rachel watches curiously as Mrs. Brooks crouches down in front of the stroller, trying to calm down the bundled up toddler. He doesn't keep crying for very long. All it takes is a kiss on the forehead and Mrs. Brooks tucking his blanket tighter around him for the tears to stop. It seems like all he needed was to see his mom. It amazes her just how much a child can so purely want another person.

"Must be nice," she whispers out loud. Her smile shrinks and even though everything is telling her to stop thinking it, she can't. Rachel has felt loved before but she's never really felt needed. And as much as she hates to say it, her mommy issues are reappearing and making what should be a logical decision difficult. She should feel no connection to this baby. Her own mother didn't give two shits about her so why is she allowing herself to indulge what a future would be like with a child who needs her?

She sighs, pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands as she hears Noah waking up.

* * *

Rachel Berry has always thrown herself into everything. Into singing, into dancing, into school, into life. And by throwing herself into things, she's come to realize that she loves a lot. She loves to sing and dance, she loves her life. And in her life, she's loved a lot of people. She's thrown herself into Finn and Jesse, obsessed over Shelby, and has been forever dutiful to her fathers. All of this is proof that Rachel Barbra Berry has a lot of love in her (and yeah, maybe a lot of obsession too).

But now that she's sitting alone in the dump of a truck stop that Quinn used to work in, she wonders if she loves too much. Because she loves Noah, she loves Quinn, she loves Caroline, and she loves her baby and nothing is turning out right. Quinn is mad (though she seems more sad than anything now) and Rachel wants so desperately to make it right but if she does that, then she hurts everyone else.

She looks down at the crap placed in front of her (she ordered biscuits and gravy again) before glancing up at the new waitress. She's a heavyset red head with pit stains on her robin's egg blue uniform. She's nowhere near as pretty as Quinn is and she's definitely a lot older (40 something if Rachel had to guess). This waitress doesn't smile but Rachel can't really blame her, Quinn only smiled when it guaranteed a tip and tips only seemed to come through when the customer was fat and missing a few teeth. She watches as the redhead moves around the diner, the disgusting truckers not paying as much attention to her as they did Quinn.

"What're you doing here?" She turns and finds Noah slumping down in the seat beside her. It's early so he really shouldn't be here, he should be sleeping since he barely got off work an hour ago. She opens her mouth to tell him to go home but he shakes his head. "I'm fine, Rach. Another hour awake isn't going to kill me." She smiles softly and pulls her messy brown hair into a sloppy bun on top of her head before nudging the cup of coffee she impetuously ordered towards him.

"I miss our girls," she says sadly, moving the slop on her plate around before dropping her fork, the silver clanging on the dirty white plate.

"I saw them yesterday." She looks as his jaw locks and hands relax. "Tried to pick Caroline up but Quinn wouldn't let me." She leans over and rests her head on his shoulder.

"She needs her… If you're not there and Caroline's gone, who else does she have?" He grunts and she clutches his arm, nails softly pricking his skin.

"She's supposed to have you isn't she?"

"She doesn't want me."

"Yes she does… She just doesn't want…" He trails off, can't find it within himself to bring up the baby out loud, not after Mr. Berry talked to him yesterday morning.

"Why are you here," she asks after a breath of silence, eyes trailing the redhead who drops a plate right before the bin behind the counter.

"I asked you first." She cranes her neck to look up at him and brings a hand up to run along his jaw, his stubble comforting and harsh under her palm. He kisses her forehead and she lets out a breath before she sits back up.

"I don't know," she answers honestly, shrugging a little. "I don't really know what I'm doing at all anymore." She pulls her plate back towards her, cutting in to her biscuit and taking a small bite. She's hoping this will actually stay down but she knows how unlikely that is. "I'm sorry I ruined things."

"It's not your fault," he says gruffly as he runs a hand over his chin. "You didn't do anything wrong. I wish you'd fucking see that."

There's an angry pleading in his eyes and she lets out a breath when she grabs his hand, holding it tightly between her own. "I know baby," she replies, kissing his knuckles before he continues. "No one's to blame but I really don't have any problem taking it… I just don't want anyone to be angry with each other." It's a lie at best. He may have been the one to come inside her but she let him fuck her without a condom and she knows there have been days where she's taken her pill a few hours later than she should have. She takes full responsibility for messing things up but if saying it's not calms him down a little bit, then she'll lie to him all day. "I want us to all be happy but I know that's not going to happen."

"You still need our baby?"

"I do… I'm just not sure who I need more. You and Quinn or the baby." She knows she can't have all three and she keeps trying to convince herself that she doesn't need this baby. Being around Noah isn't helping her with that but she's not sure she can handle being away from him if she's just going to have to stay away from Quinn too. She can't go from having so much to having nothing at all. "Do you honestly think it'll be okay?"

He drinks half of her coffee and runs the back of his hand over his mouth before he shrugs. "I don't think it can get any worse," he admits and she nods even though she's not sure what to make of that.

"What if she doesn't come around?"

"You know she's a stubborn bitch, Rachel. She's too pessimistic for her own good. Did you know she almost didn't take the job because she was worried the offer wasn't legit or that your dad would fire her and we'd be fucked?" He finishes the rest of the cup she ordered, waving down Quinn's replacement for a refill.

"But what if she doesn't come around, Noah?"

"She will." She tries not to notice the crack in his voice.

* * *

She eases herself on to her bed, cradling her stomach when she lays on her side. If Quinn were talking to her, she'd ask if her morning sickness was this bad with Caroline. Rachel can vaguely remember Quinn running out of classes and Glee practices back then, but Rachel just seems so much worse. She feels so horrible that she can't physically sit up without feeling dizzy. She can't be in the same room as food without feeling like she'll throw up at any moment. Quinn always seemed to be at school back then so there's no way her morning sickness could have been as bad as Rachel's.

Maybe this morning sickness was some sort of sign that she shouldn't be having this baby. Though, all joking aside, she's honestly surprised she hasn't thrown the fetus up yet. She knows it's physically impossible to do so but she feels like she doesn't have anything left in her body to throw up. She hasn't eaten anything since yesterday morning and she's been throwing up nothing but bile for the past few hours. Her whole body aches, her throat especially, and she really just wants all this to go away.

She hears the door open behind her and she closes her eyes before letting out an even breath. "Daddy, I really don't want to talk right now. I don't feel very good."

She feels the bed dip behind her and she's about to protest again but the arm that slides over her waist stops her. Quinn molds herself to Rachel's body, digging her head in between the brunette's shoulder blades but makes sure she carefully avoids Rachel's stomach at all costs. "Your dads took Caroline to dinner and that new Disney movie. Said they wanted to give me a break. They feel bad."

"I'm sorry," she says hoarsely, her hand coming up to hold her throat. It hurts to talk, hurts to swallow, and her eyes tear up at the throbbing raw feeling beneath her hand.

"Don't apologize," Quinn whispers, stretching to leave a kiss on the back of her neck. "They said you've been sick all day."

"I can't keep anything down, I haven't even tried to eat today. I feel like shit."

"You kind of smell too," Quinn says lightly, a small laugh in her voice. "If I draw you a bath, do you think you can get through it without throwing up?"

Rachel shrugs, leaning into Quinn when her stomach starts churning again. "I can try. You might want to keep a bucket handy though."

"I'll be right back okay?" Rachel nods, her eyes closing again when she feels Quinn pull away. She'd honestly rather sleep for as long as she can instead of sitting in the tub. But then she moves her arm up to cover her eyes and she realizes Quinn was putting it nicely when she said she kinda smelled. She sits up slowly, clutching on to the bedspread beneath her when she starts to sway. She starts taking deep breaths, exhaling through her nose steadily when Quinn walks back in, her blonde hair now pulled back in a loose ponytail.

They make it to the bathroom without any trouble but the moment Rachel sits down on the toilet, she starts dry heaving. Quinn quickly grabs the trash can and thrusts it into Rachel's lap before gathering her hair in her hands and pulling it out of the way. Rachel heaves a few more times before spitting into the bin once she feels like she'll be fine, for now. She looks up at Quinn helplessly, her eyes watery from exertion and pain. "I just want it to stop," she cries, wincing as the words make it past her throat.

Quinn wants to tell her she can make it stop, that all she has to do is get rid of that thing inside her. An abortion is like a cure all; Rachel will physically feel better and their relationship can finally get back to some sort of normalcy. Noah will probably be upset for a while but eventually he'll realize that this was the right decision, just like she told him from the beginning. But Rachel doesn't look like she can handle hearing that right now and Quinn doesn't want to start anything while Rachel's like this. For once, Quinn just wants to do the right thing and just take care of her girl.

"It's going to be okay," she says, pushing Rachel's greasy hair back. "We're gonna get you clean and back into bed, then I'm going to make you the smoothie that helped with my morning sickness."

Rachel groans, shaking her head as Quinn takes the trash can from her. "It's just going to make me sick."

"I promise it won't." Quinn pulls Rachel's shirt over her head, tossing it in the direction of the laundry basket before having the brunette stand up. "Without that shake, I doubt I would've made it to school at all during my first trimester." She hooks her fingers into the waistband of Rachel's shorts and panties and pulls them down, Rachel gripping on to Quinn's shoulder when she picks her legs up to step out of the fabric. She helps Rachel slip into the tub, the water sloshing from side to side and causing it to trickle over the lip.

Rachel relaxes against the porcelain, sinking in until the water hits her chin. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me. I've been worse than a bitch to you," Quinn replies, leaning over Rachel to grab the body wash and shampoo from the shelf. "Dunk your head real quick." She does as she's told and when she resurfaces, Quinn squirts some shampoo into her hand before rubbing it into her scalp.

"I don't blame you. I fucked up." Quinn's fingertips massage her scalp, lathering the shampoo over all of the chocolate strands. "You know, I'm not even sure when it happened. I've been on the pill since high school. I've never missed one."

"Remember that day your dads took Caroline to the zoo in Columbus? You missed your pill that morning." She tugs on Rachel's hair, causing the brunette to dip her head back in to the water.

"How do you remember that," she asks as she closes her eyes in order to avoid getting any soapy water into them.

"Because the next morning I was getting out of the shower as you were finishing up your make up. When I kissed your cheek, you were popping your pill out. Then you realized you had an extra one." Rachel sits back up, eyes wide as she turns to face Quinn. "I told you it was going to be fine." She shrugs a little, pouring some body wash into her hand. She grabs Rachel's arms, pale hands leaving a soapy trail against tan skin as she runs over the length of the brunette's arms.

"You were worried," Rachel states, trying to catch Quinn's eyes. It's useless though because the other girl keeps her eyes on the body in front of her.

"Up," Quinn instructs, helping Rachel as she stands up herself. "And yes. Once your dads and Caroline left, the three of us didn't leave your bedroom until a half an hour before they got home. We had _a lot_ of sex that day. It was literally the worst day for you to forget your pill." She puts some more soap in her hands, lathering it before starting at Rachel's collarbone. She can feel Rachel shivering beneath her and she works a little faster because she doesn't want that shivering to upset Rachel's stomach again. She carefully runs her hands over Rachel's chest, keeping her touch lighter than it's been all day because she knows her breasts are beyond sensitive right now. She lets her thumbs swirl over each nipple and she has the urge to smile a little when they pucker from her touch and the cool air.

"I don't think Noah's going to change his mind."

"I know. He's just as stubborn as we are." Her hands run over the tight skin of Rachel's stomach, frowning when she realizes the still flat skin feels different beneath her even though there's no physical difference. "Why would you want to go through what we went through? We've told you what it was like for us Rachel... It was awful."

"It doesn't have to be like that. You have a better job now and I have the same one. We might even be able to get a better apartment." She covers Quinn's hands with hers, bringing them to a stop on her stomach. "Why won't you just consider it? You refuse to even hear me out." Quinn sighs, shifting all her weight on to one leg as she tries to pull her hands away from that particular part of Rachel's skin. The brunette only tightens her grip, forcing Quinn to feel the skin that will soon stretch to accommodate the baby she considers to be Quinn's just as much as it is Noah's. "When I think about being a mom, I feel happy. And before this came to light, I was happy with your family. It was the first time in a long time that I was. If you'd just let us, I think we could all be happy together."

"I'm not saying we wouldn't be happy. That's not what the argument is here. And I really want you to be happy, there's nothing I want more for all of us." Rachel finally loosens her grip enough for Quinn to continue her path along the shorter girl's body.

"Is it the money? I'm sure if we sat down and budgeted everything, we could make ends meet. I've even been thinking of applying for a job with the state. That means more money and benefits for me and the baby. I know you guys have a lot of debt but I'm sure we could even work on getting that down." Quinn's hands reach around to wash Rachel's back and ass before coming back around to clean her legs. "Even if we can't afford to move, that is if it's okay with you that I move in. I realize now I've been very presumptuous about that."

Quinn rolls her eyes, lifting Rachel's left leg and then her right, running her soapy hands over the skin that was underneath the water. "We were going to ask you to move in when your dads told you to find a place. We weren't sure if you'd accept or how Caroline would react or if you'd want your space which we obviously don't have, but we were going to offer. But then this whole baby thing happened..." She runs her hands up the inside of Rachel's thighs, letting one drop as the other cups the brunette between her legs. Rachel shivers for an entirely different reason, groaning when Quinn sighs as she drags her hands up to her hip, middle finger purposefully swirling over her clit on the way up. "What we have isn't normal Rachel." She watches as Quinn moves down, dipping her hands under the water to get rid of the soapy bubbles. She stays kneeling next to the tub and Rachel takes that as a sign to sit back down in the water herself.

"You had no problem with some of the looks we got when we went on our dates. You would kiss Noah and then me without a second thought." Quinn shakes her head and instead starts running her wet fingers over Rachel's arms once more. "I'm not suggesting we shout our relationship from the rooftops but why can't we at least have a family behind closed doors?"

"Because our babies don't deserve to be dragged into this. I'm okay with dirty looks but I will not stand for the kids being subjected to any sort of harassment because we all happen to love each other. Besides, what would we tell your fathers? They're not stupid. Even if you lied and told them the baby isn't Noah's, they'd know. And I don't want them to eternally pity me for sharing a home with both of you when they don't know how I really factor into everything nor do I want this to ruin the relationship you have with them." Quinn motions for her to go underwater but Rachel shakes her head.

"I don't need my dads if I have the both of you." If she's honest with herself, she sounds kind of pathetic right now.

Quinn pinches the bridge of her nose before running her hand through her hair in aggravation. "Don't do that to yourself or your fathers. They love you and just want what's best for you."

Rachel slumps in the tub, looking down at the now dirty water she's sitting in. "What was this then," she asks quietly, hands going up to play with the ends of her hair. She glances up at Quinn who arches an eyebrow, face softening more than it has all day. "If you honestly thought that this could never work long term, then what was this for you? Was I just something to pass the time in your shitty life?" She sounds so cold, something she wasn't sure she was capable of, and she briefly wonders if Quinn is partially responsible for this. Quinn had no sense of hope when she came back here and on more than one occasion self deprecatingly called herself poisonous. Maybe that poison has finally seeped into Rachel but it's not enough for her to give in to this fight. If anything, it makes her even more upset, makes her stare turn more icy than before.

"You're not just a fuck buddy, Rachel. We just could have had a lot more if you hadn't gotten pregnant."

"So as long as I didn't want to have my own kids, we could've been happy? If I conformed to _your_ life plans?"

Quinn groans and stands up. "I wasn't fucking thinking long term okay? All I knew going in to this was that Noah and I could, if not did, love you, and that Caroline adored you. And that was enough for me. With you, I didn't have to think ahead so I didn't." She walks over to the sink and grabs a towel from the cabinet. "I didn't actually come here to fight with you."

Rachel takes a breath and disappears under the water for 10 seconds before emerging slowly. She tries to wash away her shitty attitude (which she realizes is nearly impossible because she's been in a shitty mood since Quinn found out she was pregnant) because it's not Quinn's fault that she was playing this by ear. They haven't even been back in contact for a year and before she got pregnant, she wasn't exactly questioning the longevity of their relationship. They're both young and out of all of them, Rachel had the most reason to just be in a carefree relationship. It was enough for her and so she can't fault Quinn when she didn't really think about the future either. "So did you think you'd just be able to convince me," she asks, a bit of bite left in her voice even though she's stopped glaring at Quinn.

"I thought I could at least try. But then I saw you looking absolutely miserable and convincing you was the farthest thing from my mind." She takes a step forward and wraps the towel around the brunette cautiously, obviously unsure of where this leaves them for now.

"Don't feel sorry for me," Rachel mutters as she relaxes into Quinn's body, tucking her wet head underneath Quinn's chin as she wraps her wet arms around the blonde's waist. "I don't like being mean to you but sometimes I think it's the only way you'll listen."

"I am listening, Rach. I'm listening to both of you. I just don't think that the pros will outweigh the cons." Quinn presses a kiss into her wet hair and then leans back far enough so Rachel can see her. "Just let me take care of you for right now. We'll talk when you're feeling better okay?"

Rachel sighs. "We can't just talk," she replies, shrugging when Quinn looks like she's about to protest. "It's the truth. When there's a disagreement, we do nothing but fight. You've always been like that Quinn."

"Go lay down please," is the only response she gets. The blonde waves for her to leave before she moves past Rachel to drain the tub and clean up the water that escaped.

She pads her way into her room, sitting down on the edge of her bed. It's dark outside and the only thing she can see out the window is the outlined reflection of her in her room alone. They're getting no where fast and with each passing day she just feels more drained. She's tired but her stomach has gotten to the point where it physically hurts (either from her constant morning sickness, her lack of food, or both) too much to get to sleep when she does actually attempt it. And she still can't wrap her mind around just how shitty her life got. She was happy and then suddenly she wasn't. She knew this wasn't going to be a welcome addition but nobody was dying, nobody was harmed. She just got pregnant. Shouldn't that be a good thing when you're in a stable, loving relationship?

She jumps when she feels Quinn gather her hair in her hands. The blonde sprays some of Caroline's leave in conditioner into her hair before carefully brushing Rachel's tangled hair. It almost makes her mad how sweet Quinn's being to her. She knows that Quinn means well, that her entire argument is stemming from what Quinn thinks would be the best, but she's the reason Rachel feels so horrible right now. If Quinn had only been okay with this baby, then everything would have been a little bit better right now. Having Quinn so close just makes her feel worse. "Do you love me," she asks quietly, noting that Quinn's hands don't even pause when she answers yes.

"Do you not think that I do?"

Rachel shrugs, eyes closing when Quinn runs the brush over her scalp. "I thought that you did before… I wasn't entirely sure about now though."

Quinn sighs and it's the sigh Rachel always hears before Caroline gets into trouble. "I'm not doing all this because I don't love you," she replies, voice clearly irritated though she's trying to mask it. "I thought I made it clear that I'm saying all these things because I do love all of you. In this town, I think this is what's best for us."

"Can we do this somewhere else then? Go to a bigger city where we could be anonymous to nearly all the people we pass?" Quinn sets the brush down and then lets her hands half heartedly play with Rachel's hair. "In New York, we'd be the only ones who'd matter."

"What about the kids' teachers? The friends they'll inevitably make? Those friends' parents? Yes a bigger city would take the focus off us for the most part but that won't take the focus off the kids." Quinn sighs again but it's more tired not than it was before. "If you're so eager to have this baby, maybe you should start acting like its mother."

" _Really_ ," Rachel spits out, turning around so she can look Quinn in the eye. "You're going to tell me how to be a mother?"

"I'm not telling you how to parent, I am merely suggesting that you start acting like one. You and Noah both are being incredibly selfish."

"How is wanting my child selfish," Rachel yells, hand grabbing on to Quinn's arm when the blonde tries to walk away. "It would be selfish of me to not want to raise this baby. I love Noah and I love you, so why shouldn't I want a child with both of you? To me, wanting my baby is a lot more motherly than how you acted with Caroline."

The glare that sets in on Quinn's face would terrify her if she weren't so angry. "Do _not_ talk to me about her. I know I haven't been a good mother but I've done my fucking best." Quinn rips her arm away from Rachel only for the brunette to follow her back into the bathroom. "It was incredibly selfish of me to keep her. I know it was. I also know that her life would have been so much better if I'd actually given her away."

Rachel walks up behind Quinn, her own glare set on the blonde in the mirror. "My pregnancy is nothing like yours. I know I don't make a lot of money and I'm not in an exactly stable place right now, but I could do it. My fathers would help me until I got on my feet. I could be a better mother than you."

Quinn spins around and Rachel sees a look that she hasn't seen since high school. " _Fuck_. _You_ ," Quinn growls, pushing Rachel away from her. "You don't know how to be a mother anymore than I did at 16. You didn't even have a mother! You're so sure of yourself now, but it is an entirely different story once you actually have a screaming infant in your arms." Rachel backs into the wall behind her as Quinn takes another step forward before trapping her against it. "And how the fuck are you going to feel when you realize you're 24 with a kid and still relying on your daddies for everything? You have nothing right now and Noah will never leave me. You actually think that a year from now things are going to be all sunshine and rainbows? You're going to start hating yourself, Rachel. And pretty soon after that, you're gonna start resenting that baby."

She's not going to let Quinn do this to her again. This isn't fucking high school anymore. "Oh, so mean girl Quinn is back," Rachel scoffs and then pushes herself off the wall. "I may not have had a mother and depend on my fathers, but at least I won't have to _fuck_ anyone to provide for my kid." Quinn's eyes widen in surprise and Rachel can feel a sick smirk settling on her face. "I have always been better than you Quinn and it drives you crazy. You may have been prettier and more popular but I have parents who love me. I got out of this town. Any boy you ever cared about couldn't resist me. Having this baby is going to be ten times easier for me than it was for you. And I can guarantee you, I _will_ be a better mother than you."

She hates that she's saying this. It's an ugly way of trying to get the upper hand and even though she does believe there's some truth in her words, she doesn't want to mean them. But she hasn't slept in days and she's tried of feeling like such shit. She honestly believes that they could make this work, that even if they have to lie about what they are. She can't explain why she wants this baby so much, but she does. The relationship she had with Quinn and Noah was unconventional and a lot of people would call it fucked up. But it is also the most stable, healthy, relationship she's ever had. They made her feel loved and they put up with every piece of her. They indulged her even when they were dog ass tired from work. They make her want to start a family with them, even if they haven't been reacquainted for a year yet. She knows that Noah supports her having this baby, that he's happy about it, so she doesn't think it's that crazy to want to go through with the pregnancy.

She'd be willing to lie to everyone about the paternity, completely hide her relationship with the couple unless they're in the safety of their bedroom, and do anything else Quinn deems necessary to do this. Rachel's willing to make those sacrifices but Quinn's refusing to see that. Instead, the blonde just keeps trying to cut her down and if that's how Quinn wants to do things, then so be it. Rachel learned how to play dirty from the best.

She's still seething and she begins inwardly preparing herself for whatever Quinn's going to scream back at her but Quinn's face is completely blank. She just stares at her, face void of any emotion, save for the tears that are glazing over her eyes. Her lips part for a second before they close again and then she notices Quinn's body visibly relax.

She's giving up.

Quinn lets out a breath as she shakes her head, eyes closed tight. "Fine." Rachel arches an eyebrow and Quinn just throws her hands up. "You're right…" She's shaking her head slightly and Rachel watches as tears spill down Quinn's cheeks, the blonde licking her lips when a tear hits her mouth. "I'm done fighting with you. Have your baby Rachel. And have a nice life with our boy."

Her face twists. "What?"

"I'm _tired_ , Rachel. And we don't exactly have all the time in the world to hash this out do we? You're coming up on the beginning of your second trimester. So I'm backing down. Have your baby. I'm _done_."

She brushes past Rachel and the only thing the brunette can do is stand there and blink before her brain catches up to what's just happened. "Are you breaking up with me," she asks, turning to stand in the doorway as Quinn picks up her bag and coat from Rachel's desk. Quinn doesn't turn around but nods as she throws on her heavy winter coat and Rachel notices Quinn cover her face once the coat rests on her shoulders. "Are you trying to guilt me into this?"

That gets Quinn's attention and she spins on her heel, revealing her wet cheeks and red rimmed eyes. "Of course not."

"You know that it's all or nothing for me."

Quinn nods. "That's why I'm removing myself from the equation."

Rachel crosses her arms under her chest, shaking her head. "You can't just _do_ that. What about Noah?"

"He can be in Caroline's life but we're done. You can keep him."

"We _love_ you! This is a relationship, Quinn. Noah isn't a t-shirt you can just let me have. How can you honestly stand there and just… Give up?" She can't believe she's hearing this. It has been clear ever since the three of them got together that they all wanted each other. There was no favoring someone over the other in any sense.

"What do you _want_ from me," Quinn exclaims, dropping her purse to the ground with a loud thump. "I'm giving you what you want! You couldn't make a decision. You kept waiting for my approval and I'm giving that to you now. Have your baby and go be fucking happy with Noah, okay?"

"But I want _you_. Noah wants _you_."

"But you both want your baby. And I want you guys to have that. I just can't be apart of that. I'm sorry, but I can't."

She feels her whole body sag and her arms drop to her sides as she rests against the doorframe. She really believes Quinn doesn't have any ulterior motive when she says all of this. She trusts Quinn more than that and guilt wouldn't have been a last ditch effort by the blonde. She would have tried it before, would have been one of her first attempts at swaying Rachel, and so Rachel knows that Quinn is genuinely giving up everything for them. She's willing to be alone so that Rachel can have her family and so Noah won't be forced to choose. She's giving them the easiest out she can think of. Rachel's not sure she's felt so loved and so shitty at the same time before. Quinn picks up her bag and Rachel's stomach churns and she closes her eyes. "I'll do it," she whispers. She can hear her heart beating in her ears and she can't believe she actually said that and clearly Quinn can't either because her bag hits the ground again.

"Excuse me?"

She opens her eyes and Quinn has taken a cautious step towards her. "I'll do it."

"I'm sorry," she says quietly after a long moment and Rachel walks up to her, throwing her arms around the taller girl's neck, head resting against the blonde. "I don't _want_ this… I really just think it's what's best. I don't want to do this to you."

"You're not doing anything to me. I've made my own decision." Quinn clutches on to her and ducks her head down, lips skimming Rachel's ear. "Noah's going to be upset but we love each other right?" Quinn nods violently against her and then peppers Rachel with kisses, pulling back so she can see all of Rachel's face.

"I love you. I'm sorry." Each word is punctuated with a kiss and Rachel starts crying harder, a lump forming in her throat as she feels bile start to rise in her throat.


	9. Chapter 9

She just wants to sleep. She's tired of thinking and caring and every single movement she makes seems to be rejected by her body. There is nothing left in her stomach yet it threatens to leap from her throat. "Oh, my baby." She peeks open an eye as her dad pushes stringy hair from her eyes. "You're disappearing right in front of me." His hand tenderly touches her shoulder, her arm, her hip, cups the back of her knee.

She brings her knees closer to her body, muscles feeling like they're being pulled past their limit, and whines. "What am I doing?" Her father continues to pet her hair in the same way he used to when she was younger and she tries not to analyze the way he sighs.

"Do you remember the first time we went to Chicago," he asks and she's too tired to remember anything other than the last few months. "We saw quite a few shows… You fell in love with Chicago before you set foot in New York."

"I haven't been there since high school," Rachel murmurs through gritted teeth.

Her father redistributes his weight. "Are you happy here?" It feels like her entire body is laying on broken glass as she rolls away from the man who raised her. "Rachel?" She shoves her face into the pillow, a scream tearing through her throat as she starts sobbing. She's not even sure there are tears spilling from her cheeks (she's cried so much already) but she cries harder when her dad tries to hold her, his arm wrapping around her waist. His hand brushes the skin of her stomach and she vomits onto the sheets.

She meets him in the middle of the supermarket where Carol worked when he was a kid. Caroline is on her knees in front of the cereal, fingers tapping against a box of Captain Crunch and a box of Fruity Pebbles. "How am I supposed to pick just one," Caroline asks Noah, turning the boxes around to look at the games on the back and Rachel lets all the air escape her body.

He puts an arm around her shoulders when she's close enough and when he presses his lips to her temple, she very quietly, very simply says, "I'm not going through with it."

Caroline starts babbling about the pros of Fruity Pebbles as Noah's arm slips down, the bag of chips in his other hand crunching loudly. "Did-" He stops himself, hands relaxing. He takes a deep breath. "What changed?" Caroline turns her attention to the Captain Crunch and Rachel can't think of anything to say that won't lead to a fight so she shrugs. "Quinn talk to you?"

"This doesn't… that's not why-"

" _Don't_ lie to me, Rachel."

She sucks in a breath, takes a step back from him and squares her shoulders. "After careful consideration, I think that this is what's best for all of us."

He shakes his head. "That's bullshit. You want that baby! I want that baby," he yells, pointing at her stomach.

"I didn't say that we didn't. Want isn't the problem here." Caroline is looking between them now, hands clasped against her lap. "We shouldn't-"

"What did she say to you? I know it was something she said something." Caroline presses herself up against the cereal boxes.

"It doesn't matter. Look at me." Her greasy hair is pulled into a frizzy bun on top of her head and he notices for the first time just how much sharper her features have become, how dark the area around her eyes are. "Look at us." He scratches at his jaw, he hasn't shaved in days, glances down at the clothes he's worn for nearly a week. "We're miserable, Noah."

"We don't fucking have to be. We'll be okay if Quinn would just-"

"Then go talk to her," she says softly, rubbing the back of her neck. "Go ahead and grab both, Caroline."

The little girl's eyes light up and Rachel knows that she shouldn't be encouraging the thought that Caroline could have anything she wanted. "Really?"

Rachel nods, licking her lips as she reaches out for Noah's hand and he pulls her flush against him. It's overwhelming but comforting and he whispers that he's going to fix this. She laughs and pushes him away, sniffing. "I'm the one fixing this," she says. Caroline's tiny arms wrap around the two boxes of cereal, the boxes nearly as big as her. Try as she might to clasp her hands together, she can't reach, the box of Captain Crunch falling to the floor.

"Where is our daughter," Quinn asks when she opens the door to find Noah pacing in the hall. His head snaps to look at her and she shrinks back, fingers curling around the door. Puck has never hit her before, never even went as far as to raise a hand to her, but over the past 4 years she's seen the look in his eyes; he wishes desperately that he could punch her. Quinn knows she can be a cunt, that it really is a testament to the man he is that he's only used his voice against her.

"What the _fuck_ did you say to Rachel?"

She squares her shoulders and blinks as Noah fills the doorframe. "I told her that she could have you."

He punches the door frame and she refuses to flinch. "To fuck with her? I knew you were manip-"

"I did it to fix this god damn mess," she practically screams.

A door down the hall opens, a man they've never seen before stepping out with his arms across his chest. "There a pro'lum or ya gonna can it?"

Quinn moves just enough to let him pass the threshold. He keeps trying to look her in the eye but she hangs her head and rubs the back of her neck. "I love you. I love her. I want you two to be happy so I gave her an out. I was going to leave and talk to you when she said she'd…" It's suddenly hard for her to say now that it's so overwhelmingly final. The appointment is made, 3 o'clock tomorrow afternoon, the final nail in the coffin.

Noah still doesn't look like he trusts her and she can't blame him. "You didn't say _anything_ else to her?"

Quinn shakes her head. "I was trying to leave." She falls against the door, her head bouncing against the wood and she closes her eyes. "Is Caroline with her?"

"Yeah," he croaks. He stands in the middle of the place they've begrudgingly called home for years now, looking just as disheveled and ruined as the first day they moved in. "She made us better."

"We ruined her," Quinn says, nodding even when Noah starts shaking his head. "We fucking sucked before her and we just… We dragged her down with us."

Noah walks up to her, his hands gripping her hips in a way he hasn't in what feels like so long. His thumbs push up her shirt and find her skin, rubbing circles against her bones. "She brought us up," he asserts. "We could… We could finally do right, Quinn."

She chokes out a bitter laugh, her hands wrapping around his wrists, nails digging into his skin. "Right? If anything we were doing was _right_ , there wouldn't be a problem."

"Fuckin' a, Quinn." His arms drop back down to his sides, his shoulders still tense. "This could be our do over, don't you see that? All the shit we wish we'd done. All the shit we wish we didn't do. I could be the kind of dad I knew I should be."

She presses the heel of her hands against her eyes when her vision starts to blur. "If we're talking about righting wrongs, then Rachel shouldn't have this baby. That's pretty much where we fucked up, right?" His fists clench but he doesn't yell at her for it because he knows it's true. "For god's sake Noah, do you really think this new baby will help make up for the shit we already put Caroline through? You should be wanting to fix things for her, not showing her she wasn't good enough to try harder for." Slipping past him, she shakes her head and goes to their bedroom, the one she has been fitfully sleeping in since her lovers left. Quinn slumps in the doorframe. She has never felt at home in this place and now just the sight of her room, with the ghosts of memories taunting her, makes her skin crawl. She wants out. "Aren't you tired? I'm _so tired."_ She can feel him standing behind her and she wishes he'd touch her again. It's going to have to last her a long time. "I don't even know why you're here. I'm not the one you need to be talking to."

Hesitantly, his arms wrap around her waist. She hates that it feels a little easier to breathe. "The only thing I've ever been able to give you is our daughter," she sighs. "Don't be an idiot and stay with me when she can give you more."

"So, what, I can prove you right?"

She closes her eyes as she lets her head fall to his chest. "Don't put words in my mouth." Quinn takes a big breath, laces her fingers with his where they sit low on her belly. "If you chose her, you are not your father. I will not think any less of you. I will love you just the same."

"I promised her everything would work out."

She blindly cups his cheek. "You should know better than making promises you can't keep."

His head turns in her hand and he kisses her palm.

"Hey, bug." Caroline jumps off her bed when she sees her dad standing in the doorway, hugging herself to his legs before he picks her up. "Your mom is downstairs. Why don't you go see her and get ready to go home?"

"Are you coming home too, Daddy?"

Rachel can feel him looking over at her but she stays focused on packing the suitcase in front of her. "Yeah," he sighs. "I'm coming home too." Caroline squeals and kicks to be put down. The second her feet hit the ground she starts to take off down the hall only to sharply turn back around. She runs up to Rachel's bed and climbs up before launching herself at Rachel.

"Now you just need to come home too!" Caroline's hands excitedly tap on Rachel's back as they hug. "I love you, Aunt Rachel."

The lump swells in her throat and she tries not to start shaking. "I love you too, sweetheart." Noah closes the door when Caroline leaves and Rachel has every intention of not looking at him until she's finished packing her suitcase. He walks closer to her, choking on her name before he falls to his knees. "Noah," she breathes out as his arms wrap around her thighs.

"I'm sorry," he cries, fingertips digging into her aching muscles.

She cradles his head in her arms and strokes the back of his neck as he tries to bring her even closer. Her t-shirt is soaked by the time he looks up at her. Immediately her hands travel to his face, wiping away tears that are replaced as quickly as they're removed. "It's okay." He shakes his head as she nods hers. "It is, Noah. I promise."

"I promised you everything would work out." His hands push her shirt up as they move to her waist. She tenses. Her stomach is something she's tried to ignore, both because the thought of what's growing underneath and because she's been sick for what feels like forever. But when Noah's lips press against the skin just below her bellybutton, she tries to pull him closer.

There's no space between them but it still doesn't feel close enough.

"Everything is working out. Just not like…" She swallows hard, closing her eyes for a moment. Three deep breaths later, she cups Noah's chin, forcing him to look up at her. "It's okay. I love you."

He repeats that it's not okay until she drops to the ground. He buries his face in the crook of her neck and she kisses the skin in front of her, trying to convince herself she's not crying either. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees her half packed suitcase. She bites down where shoulder and neck meet, closing her eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this is the last chapter, I tried, where I could, to go back to how this story started in terms of style. I know that a lot of you aren't going to like this ending but I really hope that you respect it as the honest, realistic ending. This still feels a little bit like something is missing and I spent all day yesterday trying to figure out what it was before I realized that that's the only way I could feel after reading this. This will never feel complete and sometimes in life, there are moments that don't feel like you've gotten closure but it's not necessarily a bad thing. Anyway, I do hope you enjoy and thank you very much for taking this journey with me :)

Rachel tells them the appointment is at three and, no, she doesn't need them to pick her up.

Her appointment is actually at noon and she asks her dad to drop her off at the clinic. She's not sure if she's surprised or not when he doesn't say anything, doesn't look at her any different, just turns to the sports section and says, "I'll be ready by 11."

When they pull out of the drive way, she sees Mrs. Brooks getting ready for her run. Rachel grips her knees. Her dad leans forward, to change the station Rachel assumes, but instead his hand wraps around hers, giving it a gentle squeeze before forcing her to relax her grip. "Have you thought anymore about what your daddy said?"

Closing her eyes, Rachel nods. "Maybe we could all take a weekend trip soon?"

She looks at her father and can't figure out whether or not the half smile he wears is sad. "That sounds really great, baby. I think I could clear my schedule for next weekend." He clears his throat and turns left on to Baker. "I'll call your daddy about it when I get into the office."

A silence falls between them, only breaking when they pull up to the clinic fifteen minutes later. "Thank you." He stares as she unbuckles and gathers her purse and coat.

"Do I need to pick you up?"

Shaking her head, she opens the door. "No, I have a ride home."

Just as she's about to step out, he grabs the hand closest to him again, forcing her to look back at him. "I love you, my little star."

It's something she would've expected from her daddy; it surprises her so much that she ends up rooted in her seat, just looking at her father whose eyes, instead of tearing up, become stained red. "I love you too."

She doesn't realize she's crying until her father puts the car in park and wraps his arms around her, pulling her uncomfortably across the middle consol and to his chest. "It's going to be okay… I am so proud of you, no matter what," he repeats, rubbing circles on her back. It's not until he offers to stay with her that she pulls back, wiping her cheeks furiously like she used to as a child.

"No. Please, just go to work. Like you said, it's going to be okay." Her cheeks twitch from the effort to smile but she falls short.

"Yeah," he sighs. He pats her cheek and tucks her hair behind her ears. "Will you be home for dinner?"

The real question hangs silently between them and she shakes her head. "No, probably not."

* * *

At approximately 2 o'clock, hours after her appointment time, Rachel stares up at a blank ceiling, her legs elevated and mind just a little fuzzy. She's told that she will feel some discomfort, some pressure, but she's been numbed so it shouldn't be too much worse (if that) than a standard exam.

It hurts in a way she can't describe. She doesn't feel like she's dying but it's worse than menstrual cramping, which is what nearly every online resource she read compared the pain to. Her mouth is clamped shut but she realizes that a whine of sorts has escaped her throat when the nurse who offered to hold her hand steps forward and pushes her hair off her face. "It's okay, deary. Almost done now."

With the clatter of the doctor returning tools to the tray besides him, Rachel suddenly feels as though she can breathe for the first time in months and she knows that it's done.

* * *

She spends the next half hour in another room, sunk into a cushioned chair surrounded by magazines that are at least two months old. She's given crackers and water and she finds that she can actually stomach the sight of food again. She shovels so much into her mouth that if she were anywhere else, she'd practice restraint or at least have the modesty to act embarrassed by the amount of food she takes; this feels like the first time she's eaten since this whole thing started.

She's advised to go to the bathroom before she leaves. She grimaces at the blood and few clots that appear on the pad they'd given her when she first got redressed. When she shows the nurse, the older woman smiles and says, "All normal then." Rachel's face pulls just a bit, because for her that is not normal (her periods have never been heavy and though she's sure at some point in her life she's passed a clot, she can't recall a time when she did), before asking if she can go now.

It's possible that she's sad… Actually, she's pretty sure that she is. She'd built up the idea of having a baby in her head these past weeks, of giving Noah something he seemed to really want. And now she's empty.

The strange part is she feels more full of life now than she has since she first slept with Quinn and Noah.

Rachel walks out of the clinic at 2:53 and slips on her sunglasses, the sunlight extraordinarily affronting with her senses still a little out of whack, right when Quinn and Noah pull into the parking lot. Neither one looks happy as the exit the car but Quinn is the only one who attempts to smile. "Should we go in," Noah asks as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

"No," Rachel answers with a shake of her head. "It's done. We can go home."

Quinn's eyebrows furrow before one arches sharply. "It's done?" She looks down at her watch. "It's not even three."

"My appointment was at one." Rachel shrugs her shoulders when they both continue to just stare at her. "And I'm a bit tired now, so if you don't mind…" She starts towards their car and they have no choice but to follow.

* * *

Quinn knocks on the bedroom door, even though it's her own, and waits until Rachel tells her to come in before she enters. She wasn't sure what, if anything, Rachel would want to eat but she stands in the doorway with a cup of apple juice in one hand and a bowl of tomato soup in the other.

She realizes now that might be a horrible combination in the taste department.

"Hi," she says, hating the way she sounds a strange mix of ashamed and shy. "Did you manage to get any sleep? We told Caroline to keep quiet but, well, you know."

Rachel sits up and Quinn didn't realize she was waiting by the door until Rachel waves her over. "What's in the bowl?" Quinn hands her the bowl wordlessly, setting the cup down next to Rachel's phone on the bedside table. She tries not to look at the open text message but fails; Rachel's dad asked if she'd made it alright, adding that they're good to go to Chicago next weekend and Quinn swallows hard. She watches Rachel take spoonful after spoonful until the bowl is half empty. Rachel looks up at her with the wide eyes Quinn loves. "This is very good," Rachel compliments softly.

Quinn shrugs. "It's Campbell's."

Rachel shrugs herself and Quinn thinks there may be a small smile. "It's still good. Thank you."

There's a clamor outside, something breaking in the living room, and instead of hearing Noah curse like Quinn expects, he laughs. It unnerves her in a way Quinn can't describe. "Why did you tell us the wrong time?" The question slips from her mouth unexpectedly and though Rachel doesn't stop eating, Quinn can feel the way she tenses.

"What would you two have done," Rachel asks in between bites of soup, "besides glare at nothing and sit in discomfort next to one another?"

Quinn sinks further into the bed, looking as the blank wall behind Rachel. "Could have held you hand," Quinn supplies.

"There was a nurse there." Rachel takes another bite before setting the bowl down. "Really, it wasn't horrible. It was fine." Rachel pats Quinn's knee. "I'm fine."

Quinn wants to call bullshit but Rachel seems so sure of herself that Quinn almost finds herself asking how.

* * *

The sun has already set by the time he works up enough courage to go see Rachel. For the most part, they've left her alone all day. When Quinn left the room earlier she said that Rachel asked for it but, honestly, he's not sure he would've been able to go in anyway.

He expects her to be asleep but he opens the door to find her sitting on the edge of the bed. "Hey." She glances back at him with a look he can't quite figure out but says nothing. He shuffles over to the bed and lies down, pushing the blankets closer to her. "It's gonna be cold." He sighs. "Are you cold?" Rachel tilts her neck from side to side, her bones popping and almost echoing in their near empty room, before lying back down. She rolls over and instead of looking at her face, he stares at her arm that's covered in goosebumps. He lifts his hand to warm her up but stops short.

"You can touch me," Rachel whispers. She curls into him just a little bit, palming the back of his neck as she buries her face in his chest. Hesitantly, he wraps his arm around her. He expects her to relax in his arms then, but she stays tense. "I need you to do something for me."

"Okay."

Her whole body shrinks when she exhales. "I don't ever want to talk about this." Her nails start pricking his skin. "Dwelling will kill us and there's nothing…" She pulls back to look at him and it terrifies him how normal she looks when he doesn't know how to be acting himself. "Everything is okay and there's nothing to discuss. So, _please_ , never bring this up."

He nods because, well, what else is he supposed to do?

* * *

Rachel spends the next three days with them. She wakes before everyone and makes breakfast and has dinner ready by the time Quinn comes home. She plays with Caroline and looks genuinely sad every time she has to tell Caroline that she can't pick her up just yet. Quinn doesn't remember the last time she saw Caroline this happy. It's a shame, she thinks, because she and Noah are floundering.

Rachel leads them the three days she stays. She starts conversation, she initiates touch, she does everything and they just follow her cues while trying not to stare at one another wide eyed.

She doesn't want to think it, and she certainly won't vocalize it, but she's glad that Rachel heads home on Friday.

When she gets home from work, after dinner and entertaining Caroline before putting her to bed, she drops onto the couch next to Noah. He turns the TV up two more notches before tossing the remote on to the coffee table and turning to stare at her. "Do you need to talk about it," Quinn asks.

He scoffs. "Like you don't." She smiles just a little bit and nods.

"I don't really know what to say," she admits. She's… well, she's not sure she could say that she's happy and there's really nothing to be sad about, if Rachel genuinely is okay.

"Do you think she's faking it?" Quinn pulls her bottom lip into her mouth as she shrugs. She allows Noah to pull her legs into his lap and she rests her head on the cushion of the couch. "I feel like I shouldn't be okay… even if she is."

His hand rests on her knee and she sits up a little better so that her fingers can tap along it. "Are you okay?"

He's quiet for a long time and she waits patiently, watching the way his jaw flexes every now and then. She jumps a little when he abruptly chuckles. "You know," he says, patting her knee before holding her hand, "I don't know. I don't really know anything anymore."

She squeezes his hand. "It's okay… Not like you knew much before anyway." He pinches the bottom of her foot and she kicks the inside of his thigh before leaning up and kissing along his jaw.

* * *

Rachel thinks that maybe she doesn't deserve this weekend away. She shouldn't be gorging herself on food or seeing show after show or shopping so much when this is all on her fathers' dime and she's been so distant from them both.

She sits between them as they wait for the ballet to start and looks around as they talk over her. She's very lucky and she realizes now how incredibly unfair it would have been for them to help support her and a child.

The day before they leave, her fathers take her to look at apartments "just to see if she likes anything."

She likes most of them.

* * *

He kind of tries to start being a better dad.

He doesn't do much, because he still works long, shitty hours, but what Quinn had said to him was right. He already has a daughter and he should focus on making everything better for her.

(There's a little part of him that thinks maybe this will help prove to Quinn that they can have a future with Rachel.)

He plays dolls with her one day, does some macaroni art (he's not sure it could be called art, but) the next. Caroline gets more excited the more they do. Really, it's the most he's seen her and Quinn smile in months.

Even Rachel (when she's around, anyway) gets this look in her eye when Caroline tells her about how he took her to the library after school and let her pick out four books.

* * *

She knows that it shouldn't be awkward around Rachel's dads, but it really is. So Quinn spends the majority of her lunch hours applying for different jobs. It helps now that she has experience in a field that isn't waitress-ing and, though Quinn feels bad about leaving them potentially short staffed, Rachel's come back to work full time; they shouldn't have a problem finding a replacement if she gets a job elsewhere.

She debates telling Rachel for a long time and it isn't until three months later when Quinn actually has an interview that she actually does.

Rachel congratulates her and, though she doesn't know it then, Quinn completely misreads the way Rachel's voice cracks when she tells Quinn that she'd better tell her dad soon.

* * *

It's been _months_ since it happened. They've gone through winter and spring in this state of… Rachel's not quite sure what it is. Yes, they've been together but it hasn't been at all like it was before.

Shortly after the abortion (and she can say that now, at least to herself), she hardly spent the night because, while she physically felt great, was weary of being touched. And, frankly, she knew that Quinn and Noah weren't great. There was a rift between all of them; taking the time to mend it was important, especially for them since they have Caroline to worry about. It didn't surprise her that even after she felt comfortable in her own skin again she chose to spend more time at home than with them. To be honest, she's not sure the others even noticed that much. They've spent a good amount of time apart, angry and sad and disillusioned by their reality that cramming into that small apartment again felt less comforting than before.

At least once a week they all have dinner together and it's nice. She loves them and she knows that they still love her. Being with them is still one of the best parts of her life…

But this is not where she's supposed to be… She's not sure this is where she _wants_ to be anymore.

She's been back to Chicago a few times since that first weekend. She'll stay a weekend or maybe a week. Sometimes her dads will come with and other times she'll make the drive by herself and see the little places she wants to check out that her dads would never go. She's roamed the city and fallen in love with it more than she ever thinks she loved New York. It's a little upsetting that she was allowed to be seduced by the glamour of New York. With Chicago, she's going to ever dark, grimy place she can find and she falls in love with each space.

Strangers become friends that lead her to gigs in places she never would've seen on her own and take her to diners she never would've stepped foot in.

The best part so far though: Chicago drowns out the what ifs.

* * *

Quinn lays gasping in the middle of the bed, her body covered in sweat on the first of July. Noah drops on to the bed, his head falling to her belly and sweat dripping and pooling in her belly button. Rachel giggles and collapses next to her. She apologizes when she accidentally pulls Quinn's hair with her leg, kissing Quinn's thigh that's right in front of her face. "I can't fuck in this heat," Noah pants and Quinn laughs a little as she licks her lips, tasting nothing but Rachel.

They don't do this quite so often anymore but Quinn finds that usually makes it better. She and Noah still have sex fairly regularly but Rachel has pulled away a lot, focusing more on her own life than twining herself with them. Noah's asked if she thought Rachel was fucking someone else but Quinn knows that's not the case. For all intents and purposes, the three of them are still dating and she knows that Rachel would remain true to that.

Rachel starts tracing imaginary lines on Quinn's hip and that's when Quinn feels it.

This is their end.

"I'm going back to Chicago after the fourth."

Quinn's fingers tighten around Noah's hair when he asks, "How long are you going for?" Rachel glances up at her and bites her lip before looking back down at Quinn's skin in front of her. She can feel Noah looking up at her now but she can't look down at him. Instead, she does her best to cup her cheek, her thumb tracing along his eyebrow. "Oh." His voice is a bit gruffer, reminding her of the boy she first let into her bed at 16. "So this is it then?"

Quinn clears her throat. "You were never meant for Lima."

Rachel smiles and that's all Quinn wants for her.

If it were any other time, Quinn would shove Noah off her when he rises on to his elbow on her stomach but she deals with the pain because she knows that he wasn't expecting this. "What about us?"

"Noah," Rachel cries and buries her face in Quinn's thigh. "We…" Quinn can feel Rachel's hot breath on her skin before Rachel bites lightly. "I just…"

Quinn wraps her hand around Noah's wrist. "Rach, can you give us a minute?" Rachel slides out of bed, tugging on Quinn's shorts and her tank top before stepping into the living room. Noah rolls on to his back but stays near the foot of the bed so Quinn scoots down to see his face. "You can't honestly be this surprised." She palms his cheek, forcing him to look at her when he tries to look away. "You've said it yourself… That ever since it's been different."

"I didn't think she'd actually fucking leave us," he spits out. "It's been different but it's not… We just had two really great days with her and our daughter and she wants to leave us for _what_ in Chicago exactly?" Quinn tangles her legs with his and tries not to notice how red Noah's eyes are. "Is there some other guy or girl? What's better than us?"

With a small sigh, Quinn shakes her head. "You're an idiot," she states. "Chicago can give her everything else she's wanted. It has the stage and it's an actual _city_ and it's a place that you _know_ should be Rachel's home."

Noah scoffs. "She thought that about New York too and look at how that turned out." Quinn slaps his cheek and his glare softens. "Sorry. That wasn't fair."

"No, it wasn't." Quinn lets out a breath. "She needs to do this… We can survive without her. We are _fine_ without her. God, I'd even go as far as to say that we've been good. Haven't we been good these past few months?" He nods and she smiles a little bit before kissing him. "This'll be okay. It's like that saying."

"Quinn, if you even say that shit, I'll push you off the bed." She laughs as he pulls her closer.

* * *

Their lives can not be described as shitty, at least not anymore.

He still works long fucking hours that make him wish he could spend all day sleeping. But ends have started meeting and then some and he's realized that he needs to focus on the little things.

Like the fact that he has Quinn, who is not someone who tied him down or ruined his life, but instead the best person he's ever fucking met. And he has Caroline, who is somehow a smart and great little kid despite having him as a dad.

Rachel sends postcards sporadically, and presents for birthdays and holidays but she doesn't come back to Lima. It was hard at first (and even though Quinn put on a brave face, he knew that right after Rachel left, it tore her up inside) but now when he thinks about her, it's okay. She's happy in Chicago and Quinn's heard from Rachel's dads (they still don't care for him too much and he can't blame them) that she's doing really well, is even back on stage. On one postcard a month or so back she wrote about her supporting role in a musical and some guy she's started seeing who sounded a lot like the St. James kid.

He did not think this is where their lives would end up but he can't find room to complain.


End file.
